Internal Memo for Wednesday, 1/23/19

Good day, fellow protestors! Remember, you’re either the kid (good) or the toothless voodoo shaman (evil). There is no in between.

BUSINESS.

Vice President Mike Pence‘s wife Karen (Mother) is returning to teaching at a Christian school where she previously spent 12 years, one that has banned openly gay students, parents, and teachers. Ironically, Mrs. Pence will be teaching art.

Elsewhere in institutional homophobia, actor Chris Pratt, who recently became engaged to girlfriend Katherine Schwarzenegger two years after divorcing fellow actor Anna Faris, reportedly attends a church with a history of child molestation and gay conversion therapy. When asked for comment, Pratt insisted he was actually Chris Evans.

Anna from Travel, thanks for booking me into that sexy little chalet in Davos! Where’s your ticket 😉?

Singer Chris Brown has been arrested in Paris on charges of rape. “What’s the big deal?” Brown has since said in a statement, “I’ve done worse.”

The IRS has given hundreds of employees permission to skip work during the extended government shutdown. Experts have praised the IRS for extending such a courtesy, which they liken to the permission the bureau has long given the superrich to skip paying taxes.

Jerry, it was pass interference.

In response to Democratic Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s plan to raise the marginal tax rate on assets over $10 million to 70%, Fox News host Sean Hannity has warned that such a measure would stop rich people from remodeling their homes. “And when rich people stop remodeling their homes, who gets hurt?” Hannity told listeners to his radio show, “That’s right: rich people! She’s so young and dumb.”

Novelist MacKenzie Bezos, currently in the process of divorcing Amazon CEO and founder Jeff Bezos in the wake of the latter’s affair with news anchor Lauren Sanchez, stands to get up to half of her husband’s wealth, or $69 billion. Such a windfall would make her the richest woman in the world, and the 78th-richest country.

Did you know National Handwriting Day (today, January 23rdwas established by the Writing Instrument Manufacturers Association in 1977? And that “their motive is to promote the consumption of pens, pencils and writing paper”? I like their style.

Various videos and accounts of the now-famous standoff between boys from a Catholic prep school in Kentucky and a Native American elder last week continue to emerge, sparking fierce debate about the nature of the interaction in which no physical contact was made by either side. When asked for comment on the student protestors’ actions, Covington Catholic’s principal Bob Rowe said, “Both the school’s and the church’s views on this are pretty clear: the students, like many great Catholic explorers before them, could have gone further with the natives.”

In other Covington Catholic news, the school’s openly gay valedictorian was barred from speaking at graduation last spring because his speech was “inconsistent with the teaching of the Catholic Church.” The speech reportedly contained such statements as, “Love thy neighbor, no matter whom he loves,” and, “Nobody should molest children.”

Which would you rather fight for: the right to life or the right to drum?

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 1/9/19

Hello Failed Resolutionaries,

New year, new company! Man… those new tax laws are really kickin’ in, huh? After “repatriating” approximately $1 billion in overseas profits, we’ve seen them grow to $2 billion! Tax-free! How?

Don’t worry about it! Remember those $1,000 one-time bonuses? Me too. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, good times.

But enough about dull old “finances,” it’s 2019! The year of SEX. And BUSINESS.

Beginning this year, public school students in Texas will learn that slavery played a central role in the Civil War. The decision is a stunning departure from the state’s prior curriculum, which held that who cares?

A Canadian man arrested outside the White House earlier this month said he was hoping Donald Trump could “help him find a wife,” and had brought Trump two bottles of Crown Royal. When the man was told Trump doesn’t drink, he replied, “Yeah, and Mexico’s gonna pay for the wall.”

Anna from the Cafeteria, I like my coffee like I like you: BURSTING with milk.

The United States Army has begun recruiting for an esports team aimed at connecting with young people. The new team’s slogan will be “Love Fortnite? KILL FOR REAL.”

new report prepared for the US Senate shows that Russian operatives used every major social media platform during the 2016 election either to encourage voters to support Donald Trump or discourage them from voting. The report, which cost approximately $4 billion, also uncovered that Russia is a “country” that is “very large.”

Jerry, you did not win a Golden Globe for The Kominsky Method.

To Facebook’s surprise, British Parliament took the extraordinary step of seizing a number of the company’s internal documents pertaining to data and privacy controls. “This is an outrage,” Facebook CFO Sheryl Sandberg told reporters in the aftermath. “They are using our proprietary methods of handling information.”

Foot fetishists have discredited a nude photo said to depict Congresswoman Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez as fake. As a reward, Rex Ryan has been rehired as head coach of the New York Jets.

Watch out! The third floor snake is molting!

Arby’s is giving a 97-year-old World War II veteran free food for life. The offer was reportedly suggested by his 96-year-old friend from the army, who wants to soon become the oldest living veteran of the war.

Marriott’s guest reservation system was recently hacked, exposing the personal data of over 500 million people. The hackers have since released a statement saying they don’t know much about computers, but they did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night.

My resolution is to stop reading articles on the Internet.

Shit.

-The Chairman

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