Internal Memo for Wednesday, 8/20/14

Guess who’s back?
 
Back again?
 
The Chairman’s back.
 
Tell a friend.
 
“Shouts out” to my homeboy Eminem for fashioning such a poignant and timeless reintroduction.  After enjoying a luxurious summer vacation aboard this (to scale) with these (not to scale), I’m back to bring you the latest goings on at the company and around the world.  Now, without further ado… your only reason for living: THE BUSINESS.
 
Five months after his high profile divorce, Coldplay frontman Chris Martin is reportedly dating actress Jennifer Lawrence.  “They have a lot in common,” said a source close to Martin, “for instance, they both hate Gwyneth Paltrow.”

A Michigan girl who was mauled by a raccoon is getting a new ear molded from cartilage in her rib cage.  The girl originally wanted a wife, but same-sex marriage is currently illegal in the state.

Congratulations to Aña from marketing on being named one of Forbes magazine’s “30 Under 30”!  That Cuban birth certificate is like gold!

Former President Bill Clinton was reportedly so angry when FIFA awarded Qatar the 2022 World Cup over the US that he broke a mirror in his hotel room.  Luckily, none of the five women in the room with him were hurt.

Earlier this summer, a Virginia man declared his daughter princess of an 800-square-mile expanse of African desert, calling it “The Kingdom of North Sudan.”  Last week, the six year-old was deposed in a bloodless coup and is currently awaiting trial for mass genocide.

Jerry, nobody nominated you.

A Japanese woman has released a YouTube video in which she tries to grow her breasts by massaging them with fresh summer vegetables.  YouTube has removed the woman’s other videos in which she attempts to grow her labia in the same manner.

Girls actress Allison Williams has been cast as Peter Pan in NBC’s upcoming telecast of Peter Pan Live!  As a result, the show’s title has been changed to Peter Pan: The Boy Who Wouldn’t Grow Up but Then Suddenly Did and Everybody Realized He Was Actually a Smokin’ Hot Lady Live!

Lorin Maazel, former music director of the New York Philharmonic, has died.  The New York Times called his death “coolly fastidious and emotionally distant,” adding that his “staccato breaths” towards the end were “a subtle yet winning touch.”

Go tell it on the mountain!  Shlomo Horowitz from accounting will be presenting his solo performance piece, The Unsung History of The Negro Spiritual, this Friday afternoon at 2:30 in the third floor conference room.  A change HAS come, oh lawd!

True Detective creator Nic Pizzolatto has been accused of plagiarism.  “He stole everything,” said Jimmy “Fat Stacks” Dalton, 36, of Hampton, Florida, during a press conference in his mother’s basement.  “I’ve been saying for years that life is shit, people are sheep, and Lone Star is the best goddamn beer in the world.”
 
Former President George W. Bush has had his second partial knee replacement.  Bush has said he feels “great” and “could invade Iraq again tomorrow.”

Watch out for those cops!

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo For Thursday, 3/6/14

Good afternoon, mortals.  Can I get a little “dap” for preventing World War III?

“Girls” star Allison Williams is engaged to boyfriend Ricky Van Veen.  When asked what she likes about the College Humor co-founder, Williams replied, “He farts a lot.”

Russian president Vladimir Putin has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize.  He is joined on the ballot by the ghost of Adolf Hitler and arson.
 
A 9-month-old baby may have been cured of HIV simply by watching Focus Features’ inspirational film Dallas Buyers Club, winner of three Oscars, out now on DVD, Blu-Ray, and Digital HD!
 
Has everybody gotten to see Anna from accounts payable’s silver medal for giant slalom?  And she’s seven months pregnant!  How did she do it?!
 
Amtrak has unveiled a plan to give free delays to writers.

The Sochi Olympics were the costliest ever.  “Don’t worry,” said Russian President Vladimir Putin during the closing ceremonies, “money won’t matter where we’re headed.”

A freshman at Duke University has been outed as a porn star.  When asked how she likes the school, she replied, “I feel right at home with all the dicks.”

Jerry, you are from New Jersey.  New Jersey has never been a part of the Russian Federation.
 
The Ukrainian national soccer team shut out the United States on Wednesday, 2-0.  “Congratulations, Ukraine,” said U.S. President Barack Obama after the match, “you’re on your own.”

Duke men’s basketball coach Mike Krzyzewski is feeling fine after becoming dizzy and lightheaded Wednesday night during a loss to Wake Forest.  “Sorry, guys,” he said in his postgame comments, “I was just thinking about how much money I make.”

Congratulations to Oscar from reception on his winning Oscar ballot!  Weird!

A robust secondary market has arisen for French military rations, which contain delicacies such as duck-fat cassoulet and Camembert cheese.  “I love them,” said Nathalie Perron, a French civilian, “they have that exquisite flavor of defeat.”
 
The College Board has announced sweeping changes to the SAT beginning in 2016.  The test will now consist of two sections of anonymous commenting, followed by the essay question “How much money do your parents make?  Be specific.”
 
Pope Francis has said the Catholic Church may support some types of same-sex civil unions.  “What the hell?” said the Pope, speaking through an interpreter, “a hole’s a hole.”
 
A Thursday memo?  I’m just glad we’re all alive!  Do svidaniya!
 
-The Chairman
 
BREAKING NEWS: The Crimean parliament has just voted to join the Russian Federation.  We’re not out of the woods yet!  Back to work, you intrepid defenders of capitalism!

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