Internal Memo for Thursday, 4/23/20

Happy Earth Day, parasites!

Speaking of parasites… I did NOT like that movie. Why did all the most hardworking, charitable characters die? And don’t get me started on what they did to that BEAUTIFUL house…

BUSINESS.

New York’s famed Upright Citizens Brigade improv theater and training center are permanently closing. The move is being hailed as “an important stimulus,” one that could save millennials up to $3 billion dollars over the next year.

Former New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski has come out of retirement and been traded to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, where he will reunite with longtime quarterback Tom Brady. Tampa Bay Head Coach Bruce Arians has said the team is not done scouting former Patriots tight ends and has instructed his scouts to “kick the tires” on Aaron Hernandez.

Ana from our Belize office, have you ever noticed that your name is in “mañana”? Makes sense, cause you always seem too far away…

US oil prices fell below $0 a barrel on Monday to their lowest point since trading began in 1983. Donald Trump has since announced that he will personally purchase all barrels of oil that are unable to be stored for a price of $100/barrel, at which point he will generously sell them to the federal government at $200/barrel.

A Connecticut man broke into a shuttered restaurant last week and spent four days consuming thousands of dollars worth of food and alcohol. The man will not face any charges, as he was socially distancing.

Jerry, you are not quarantining with Soledad O’Brien.

The Washington Post is reporting that FEMA recently gave a $55 million contract to Panthera Worldwide, LLC, a bankrupt company with no employees, to produce N95 masks for the agency. “We have the utmost confidence in Panthera’s capabilities,” FEMA spokesperson Lizzie Litzow said in response to the report, “we used them during Katrina.”

In related news, the Army Corps of Engineers has awarded a $569 million contract to a Montana construction firm to build 17.17 miles of border wall between California and Mexico. Lieutenant General Todd T. Semonite later said that the ACOE would have undertaken the project itself, but Donald Trump said he wanted the money spent on “anything but testing.”

The NFL Draft begins tonight! Join our office predictor pool before 7 PM for your chance to win a one-hour Zoom call with Tom from accounting! He does a GREAT John Madden impression.

Shake Shack has announced that it is returning the $10 million it received from the federal government’s PPP program for small businesses following widespread backlash. The company said that the $10 million was no longer necessary, as it has since sold 100 burgers.

The global coronavirus pandemic is being used by mafia groups in Italy as an opportunity to expand their influence. “The mafia has been wonderful; they’ve been coming by and testing us every day,” Naples resident Carlo Fratello told La Stampa. “For 10 euro, we’ll test negative.”

50 Earth Days… and the world* has gotten healthier with each one!

*our vast sub-Saharan mining operation.

-The Chairman

PS- 봉준호는 공산주의자

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 8/20/14

Guess who’s back?
 
Back again?
 
The Chairman’s back.
 
Tell a friend.
 
“Shouts out” to my homeboy Eminem for fashioning such a poignant and timeless reintroduction.  After enjoying a luxurious summer vacation aboard this (to scale) with these (not to scale), I’m back to bring you the latest goings on at the company and around the world.  Now, without further ado… your only reason for living: THE BUSINESS.
 
Five months after his high profile divorce, Coldplay frontman Chris Martin is reportedly dating actress Jennifer Lawrence.  “They have a lot in common,” said a source close to Martin, “for instance, they both hate Gwyneth Paltrow.”

A Michigan girl who was mauled by a raccoon is getting a new ear molded from cartilage in her rib cage.  The girl originally wanted a wife, but same-sex marriage is currently illegal in the state.

Congratulations to Aña from marketing on being named one of Forbes magazine’s “30 Under 30”!  That Cuban birth certificate is like gold!

Former President Bill Clinton was reportedly so angry when FIFA awarded Qatar the 2022 World Cup over the US that he broke a mirror in his hotel room.  Luckily, none of the five women in the room with him were hurt.

Earlier this summer, a Virginia man declared his daughter princess of an 800-square-mile expanse of African desert, calling it “The Kingdom of North Sudan.”  Last week, the six year-old was deposed in a bloodless coup and is currently awaiting trial for mass genocide.

Jerry, nobody nominated you.

A Japanese woman has released a YouTube video in which she tries to grow her breasts by massaging them with fresh summer vegetables.  YouTube has removed the woman’s other videos in which she attempts to grow her labia in the same manner.

Girls actress Allison Williams has been cast as Peter Pan in NBC’s upcoming telecast of Peter Pan Live!  As a result, the show’s title has been changed to Peter Pan: The Boy Who Wouldn’t Grow Up but Then Suddenly Did and Everybody Realized He Was Actually a Smokin’ Hot Lady Live!

Lorin Maazel, former music director of the New York Philharmonic, has died.  The New York Times called his death “coolly fastidious and emotionally distant,” adding that his “staccato breaths” towards the end were “a subtle yet winning touch.”

Go tell it on the mountain!  Shlomo Horowitz from accounting will be presenting his solo performance piece, The Unsung History of The Negro Spiritual, this Friday afternoon at 2:30 in the third floor conference room.  A change HAS come, oh lawd!

True Detective creator Nic Pizzolatto has been accused of plagiarism.  “He stole everything,” said Jimmy “Fat Stacks” Dalton, 36, of Hampton, Florida, during a press conference in his mother’s basement.  “I’ve been saying for years that life is shit, people are sheep, and Lone Star is the best goddamn beer in the world.”
 
Former President George W. Bush has had his second partial knee replacement.  Bush has said he feels “great” and “could invade Iraq again tomorrow.”

Watch out for those cops!

-The Chairman

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