Internal Memo for Wednesday, 3/13/19

Good evening Boeing shareholders,

You’re fucked!

Business!

When Walmart US CEO Greg Foran recently asked employees to email him with complaints, he received about 2,700 responses. Foran said he initially expected to receive more before remembering that most Walmart employees are too poor to own a computer.

A new bill introduced in the California state legislature aims to allow residents to salvage and eat roadkill. The state is desperately seeking a use for the Los Angeles Lakers.

Anna from Accounts Payable, you really should smile more.

UFC fighter Conor McGregor was arrested in Miami Beach on Monday for allegedly smashing the cell phone of someone who was trying to take his picture. The phone was the 15th-ranked middleweight in the UFC, and a rematch has already been scheduled for later this year.

An Arizona woman was attacked by a jaguar after crossing a zoo barrier in an attempt to take a selfie. Luckily, Blake Bortles was intercepted before he could cause serious harm.

Jerry, I knew you didn’t get into Yale for women’s soccer.

A high school jersey of Kobe Bryant’s that was stolen several years ago was returned to the superstar by a Chinese man who thought he had purchased it legally. “I don’t know who initially stole it,” Bryant told reporters Tuesday, “but it has the distinct taste of Shaq’s ass.”

In recently resurfaced audio from the Bubba The Love Sponge radio show, Fox News host Tucker Carlson calls Iraq “a crappy place filled with a bunch of, you know, semiliterate, primitive monkeys.” A majority of Republicans have since condemned Carlson for his blatant disrespect of US troops.

Join us this Friday at 3 AM in Conference Room B5 for our semiannual staff enrichment lecture! See if you can guess our guest speaker! (Hint: She definitely didn’t kill her roommate.)

Health care costs for an unvaccinated Oregon boy who almost died of tetanus in 2017 totaled almost $1 million. The boy’s parents say it was a small price to pay for not having autism.

China is planning to introduce a new fleet of driverless magnetic levitation trains by 2020. Authorities say the trains will be able to shuttle some 10,000 Uyghurs a day to concentration camps at speeds of up to 600 MPH.

Hang on…

Yup, still fucked.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Friday, 3/11/16

Sup Berniebros?  Don’t forget to mansplain to some feminazis today.  Michigan!

The US Department of Labor has filed suit against New York electronics superstore B&H Photo Video, alleging the retailer made Hispanic workers use separate bathrooms from other employees.  In a countersuit, B&H alleges the Department of Labor is run by a bunch of “filthy Hispanics.”

Subway has promised to make sure its “Footlong” sandwiches are actually a foot long after a recent lawsuit.  The suit represents the most egregious case of footlong false advertising since the last Republican debate.

Who knew human beings could live without food or water?  Anna from Accounts Payable did, when she started her monthlong stillness meditation two weeks ago!  Has anybody checked on her?

Newly uncovered medical records indicate that Adolf Hitler had a severely deformed micro-penis.  “I used to recommend that people go back in time and kill baby Hitler,” said researcher Thomas Bonn in a statement.  “Now, I would at least wait til he hits puberty.”

A suburban Chicago high school has apologized after its students staged a skit about a slave auction at a recent conference.  “We didn’t mean to offend anyone,” school spokesman Morgan Delack said in an interview, “we were simply trying prepare our kids for a possible Trump presidency.”

Jerry, there’s no such thing as “causal Fridays.”

A British woman who lives like it’s 1939 is seeking a husband.  “He must be charming, capable,“ her recent newspaper ad read, “and support Prime Minister Chamberlain’s ideas of appeasement.”

The University of Virginia has unearthed a hearth from the days of founder Thomas Jefferson while undertaking renovations.  Forensic analysis has revealed the hearth to be the only place on campus free of Jefferson’s semen.

Phil from Accounting left the lights on in the men’s bathroom again last night.  Phil, don’t ask how I know this, ask why you haven’t been fired yet.

The nanny with whom Gavin Rossdale cheated on Gwen Stefani is pregnant.  The father’s identity is as yet unknown, but a recent sonogram has revealed the fetus looks like a washed-up D-list 90s rock singer.

The Guinness Book of World Records has certified Holocaust survivor Israel Kristal as the World’s Oldest Man.  “I’d like to dedicate this great honor to Adolf Hitler,” Kristal said in an interview, “and his disgusting, terrifying, tiny, tiny, microscopic baby penis.”

Enjoy the weekend, superdelegates!  Remember, you’re the real stars of democracy.

-The Chairman

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