Internal Memo for Wednesday, 5/8/19

Happy Met Gala, poors! Who are you wearing today?

Oh, this old thing? It’s my aunt. She died last year.

BUSINESS.

A chartered Boeing 737 from Guantánamo Bay, Cuba slid off a Jacksonville runway last Friday, injuring 21. The pilots were said to be severely sleep deprived.

Soldiers in Benin last week fired on protesters following the country’s contentious parliamentary elections. Donald Trump has since tweeted his condolences to the country of Africa.

Anna from Finance, you be Meghan Markle, I’ll be the royal baby. I’m hungry!

Adele and husband Simon Konecki have split, reportedly at the behest of her label.

Intrepid viewers of last week’s episode of Game of Thrones noticed what appeared to be a Starbucks coffee cup in one of the shots, leading to speculation that the show’s producers will soon introduce Howard Schultz as a reasonable, centrist choice for the Iron Throne.

Jerry, that wasn’t Edie Falco.

Donald Trump tweeted Sunday that 2 years of his presidency were “stollen.” He then boasted that the next two would be “strudel, if not full Linzer torte!”

A shark found in the waters near Greenland last year may have been alive for over 400 years. Scientists were stunned that the United States existed for 240 of those years before jumping it.

Next time you go to the bathroom, smile- you’re on camera! After a rash of indiscriminate toilet paper theft, we’ve outfitted all on-campus facilities with state-of-the-art Japanese Zooirushi “Skippy Happy Bum Bum!” toilets. They see (and feel) all!

Since its inception last July, NASA’s newest mission, TESS, has discovered over 1,800 stars that could support habitable planets. Researchers have not yet found any such planets because they no longer remember what one looks like.

New York mayor Bill de Blasio is planning to announce his candidacy for president sometime this week. Aides say he will trumpet his signature progressive achievement: having mixed-race children.

Remember: wealth is a mysteriously accumulated and politically immutable force that must be displayed once a year, ostentatiously, at the celebration of a purely aesthetic nonprofit.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 6/6/18

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, you laundered that money, remember?

The Ukrainians, the Russians… you name it. Who didn’t “look after” us in our time of need? Oh, and don’t worry, we “took care” of that journalist. As in… killed him. Dead. Deady dead. Night night. Oh- hey, Paul, can you hold on a second?

Hello, plebeians! Didn’t see you there. Just catching up with my old friend Paul Manafort on a VERY secure line. He is definitely NOT GUILTY. MANY LIVES RUINED BY THIS FAKE “RUSSIA” “PROBE!”

BUSINESS.

Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz is stepping down. Sources say Schultz may run for president, where he would inherit a proud tradition of making black people feel unwelcome.

A Swedish nuclear physicist has created an app that acts as a contraceptive by using a mathematical algorithm to determine when it is safe to have unprotected sex. The app’s working title is “Babe, trust me.”

Everyone please welcome Anna from Finance back from her monthlong sabbatical in Thailand! Cholera is a small price to pay for all that relaxation.

Donald Trump canceled the Super Bowl champion Philadelphia Eagles’ planned visit to the White House yesterday. Though Trump said it was a response to the NFL’s national anthem protests, sources close to the reality host said he has feared unwanted guests ever since he was visited by three ghosts last Christmas.

Norway’s sovereign wealth fund, created to ensure financial stability for future generations, is now valued at $1 trillion. The country has been able to save so much by investing heavily in public schools, social services, and universal healthcare.

Jerry, you are not dating Grimes.

Irish citizens overwhelmingly voted to overturn their country’s ban on abortion last month, endangering the lives of no one.

A Republican candidate for governor of Massachusetts who believes the Holocaust was orchestrated by gay Nazis gained enough support at the party’s recent convention to appear on the ballot this fall. He is expected to receive as many votes as people he believes were killed in the Holocaust.

Great news! 90% of our workforce qualified for federal aid last year, up a whopping 6% from the year prior! As the kids say, keep gettin dem (government) checks!!

Brazilian soccer star Ronaldinho plans to simultaneously marry two women in a ceremony later this month. “As one of the greatest futbol players ever,” Ronaldinho said in a statement, “I am used to squeezing balls between two people.”

Republican Congressman Dana Rohrabacher of California recently declared his view that homeowners should be able to refuse to sell their houses to gay people. “I don’t know why gay people think they need a home,” Rohrbacher told reporters, “when all they really need is the closet.”

Wait, really? You and Putin did what?

Oh, Paul… you’re fucked.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Sunday, 5/13/18

Happy Mother’s Day, ungrateful brats! You didn’t think I’d let a whole week go by without a memo, did you? I was simply waiting for the day when we may celebrate the greatest mother of all: a woman who was, truly, more than a woman. A woman by whose example we lead our own lives and guide the lives of others, through self-empowerment and righteous defense of the ideals of liberty, freedom, and liberty. A woman whose tireless devotion to ideological purity leads all of us to strive for racial, sexual, and ethnic domination above all other superficial concerns, forever and ever:

Ayn Rand.

BUSINESS.

Israel won this year’s Eurovision Song Contest in Lisbon, Portugal. The victory proves that peace in the Middle East is possible, by moving Israel to Europe.

Hafþór Júlíus Björnsson, who plays The Mountain on the hit show Game of Thrones, has been named the World’s Strongest Man. As a reward, the show’s creators have written his character a threesome with his aunt and sister.

Enjoy today while you can, Anna from Finance! The company health plan doesn’t cover your son’s treatments.

Police in California believe they’ve finally apprehended the infamous “Golden State Killer,” LeBron James.

Donald Trump’s former doctor admitted last week that Trump himself dictated a glowing letter about his own health back in 2015. In related news, Melania Trump’s former doctor admitted the First Lady is not an African-American woman named Michelle.

Jerry, breast milk is not tax deductible.

Under Donald Trump’s watch, the US National Debt recently climbed above $21 trillion for the first time. Trump cited the news as proof of his commitment to running the government like one of his businesses.

Charlie Rose is reportedly in talks to host an interview series focusing on men brought down by the #MeToo movement. It is tentatively titled Charlie Rose is an Idiot.

Happy Mother’s Day, banana slugs!

A Swedish decluttering method known as “death cleaning” is gaining popularity worldwide. “It’s very simple:” author Margareta Magnusson writes in her book, The Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning, “If you touch it, it goes.”

In a recent report geared towards biotech companies, investment bank Goldman Sachs pondered whether curing patients of chronic diseases is “a sustainable business model.” “If these patients don’t eventually die from their high-cost managed diseases,” analysts warned, “we will have precious few janitorial staff at our main office in hell.”

Remember: rape isn’t rape if it’s hot.

Thanks, Mom!

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Friday, 5/13/16

Ahhhhhhhhhhh, yessssssss… right there, Doris… a little lower… YES.  YES YES YES……………. whoops, sorry, still basking in the glow of my horse’s big win at the Kentucky Derby on Saturday.  As a reward, I think I’ll put myself out to stud.  Who wants first dibs?  Business!

Justin Bieber got a new tattoo of a cross on his face.  The singer says the new ink is meant to symbolize his kinship with Jesus, another delusional child prodigy with millions of mindless followers.

Artist and entrepreneur Jae Rhim Lee has created a suit made of mushroomsdesigned to efficiently break down the human body after death.  Lee has said she modeled the suit on New York City, which efficiently breaks down the human body throughout life.

When it finally comes time to pass the torch, I now know whom to call: Anna from Finance!  Anna just made her first million selling digital downloads of her “guided meditations” for $75 a pop!  Now THAT’S a BUSINESSWOMAN.

The United States has sent two F-22 warplanes to Romania.  Or, as Bernie Sanders calls it, Poland.

A gay pastor who claimed employees at an Austin, Texas Whole Foods wrote a homophobic slur on a cake he ordered may have written the word himself.  Jordan Brown, the priest behind the alleged fraud, told reporters that it didn’t matter who wrote the word, the fact that the word exists at all is enough for Whole Foods to owe him “a lot of money.”  An Austin judge agreed, rewarding Brown $3 million in punitive damages stemming from “America’s long history of grocery-related imperialist chauvinism.”

Jerry, Israel exists.  Period.

A former official with the Russian Anti-Doping Agency has revealed that at least four of the country’s gold medalists from the 2014 Sochi Olympics used steroids.  “This is news to you?  Really?” Vitaly Stepanov told The New York Times.  “Oh, I forgot, this is the Donald Trump country.”

A new study shows that occasional fasting can help you live longer.  I TOLD YOU, BRENDA.

It’s Friday the 13th!  Remember, there’s nothing scaaaaaaarier to us hardworking Americans than power-hungry labor unions peddling false promises of “better working conditions.”  BOO.

Disney is reportedly planning to turn its iconic Tower of Terror into a Guardians of the Galaxy ride.  The new attraction will replicate its predecessor’s 199-foot freefall, plunging the audience into a bottomless pit of Chinese Yuan.

Actor Jake Lloyd, most famous for playing young Anakin Skywalker in Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace, has been diagnosed with schizophrenia.  Following the news, the US government moved the film past the Challenger on the list of “Greatest Mistakes in American History.”

I’ve been told I have a lot in common with horses.  Well, one thing, mostly…

-The Chairman

PS- Don’t forget, if you’ve missed any memos in the past, you’re at serious risk of being fired (and probably deported)!  Catch up here!

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