Internal Memo for Wednesday, 3/8/17

Good Morning,

Despite the fact that my email should not be widely available (*cough* HR *cough cough*), a number of you have asked me how the GOP’s plan to “repeal and replace” Obamacare will affect your health insurance.  The short answer: It won’t.*  If you like your doctor, you get to keep your doctor.  You may not get to keep your job, but you’ll get to keep your doctor.  All doctors can be seen for a price, right?  Listen, I don’t make the rules- I’m not even really sure how this works.  Like President Trump said: nobody knew how complicated health care could beNobody.  Now get back to work, and for the love of god DON’T GET SICK.  It’s not rocket science.

Business!

Speaking at the recent Conservative Political Action Conference, NRA head Wayne LaPierre said that left-leaning protestors around the country are being paid $1,500 a week and are dangerous.  In related news, psychologists around the country have updated the sections of their textbooks concerning “projection.”

Later this year, Germany is set to introduce a zero-emissions train powered entirely by hydrogen.  “Finally,” Chancellor Angela Merkel said at a recent press conference, “Germans can have some good associations with trains.”

Enjoy your day off, Anna from IT!  And thank you- every day here was a day without a woman til you sued your way into a job.

A Washington, D.C. art installation featuring a roomful of glowing pumpkins was damaged last week when a visitor tried to take a selfie.  Due to its location and the subject of the installation involved, the incident is being called “the perfect metaphor.”

A judge last week called a meeting with French far-right presidential candidate Marine Le Pen over allegations that she misappropriated funds from the European Union.  Le Pen has since questioned the white, French, female judge’s ability to be impartial because of “his Mexican heritage.”

Jerry, The Wire is not a “nonfiction prequel.”

Scientists have been quick to cast doubt on new findings that herpes outbreaks during pregnancy may cause autism.  Other scientists without herpes say it is a distinct possibility.

Chicago musical artist Chance the Rapper has announced he will be giving $1 million to his hometown’s public school system.  In response, Donald Trump tweeted, “Just saw the news- another 1 million people shot in Chicago. This time by a rapper WHO IS BLACK. Sad! Bad (or sick) Guy!”

Next week, join us for our Tuesday discussion group at 7:30 in the 4th floor lounge.  Our topic: Is Anderson Cooper a robot?  Drinks and snacks will be provided… for humans.

Donald Trump has vowed to cut funding for the National Endowment for the Arts, a move that will save the government under $500 million per year.  Most of the savings will be diverted to security for Don Jr. and Eric Trump, as they fly around the world building their new, private National Endowment for Art Collection.

Scientists have announced they are closer than ever to resurrecting the extinct woolly mammoth.  Once born, the first specimen is expected to be released into the wild, as experts say the last thing the world needs is another elephant in the room.

Yup, it’s a tumor.  Walk it off.

-The Chairman

*It will.

Standard

Internal Memo for Monday, 11/7/16

‘Twas the night before this mess, and all through the House
Not a Speaker was stirring, not even his spouse
The jockeying was done without mercy or care
In hopes it would disappear soon like Trump’s hair
The voters were fretting all snug in their states
Divisions and frog cartoons stoking their hates
When down at Fox News there arose such a clatter
WikiLeaks emails of course were the matter
In a great orange flash Donald boarded his jet
Along with his servile army of pets
“Now Corey!  Now Comey!  Now Kushner and Conway!
On Christie!  On Ailes!  On Rudolph Giuliani!”
Their tiny minds racing with thoughts of election
They blissfully shunned any news of rejection
But try as they might, they could not shake the feeling
That tomorrow’s results just might send them all reeling
Certain that it would go down to the wire
They stayed up all night to see what would transpire…

According to a new study, New York is the second-most rat-infested city in America.  It is expected to drop to third on November 9th, when both presidential candidates leave.

Researchers at the University of California-Berkeley have expressed concern that Apple’s new Bluetooth-enabled AirPod headphones put users at risk for exposure to harmful radiation.  When asked for comment, company spokesperson Kim Doros replied, “According to our internal studies, when given the choice between an iPhone and their health, people always choose the iPhone.”

Congratulations to Anna from IT on successfully hacking into FiveThirtyEight.com!  Things are looking up for this “Evan McMullin”…

Scientists believe Tasmanian devil milk might be a breakthrough weapon in the fight against superbugs.  Unfortunately, the development has led to several researchers’ deaths in mini tornadoes.

This past June, popular porn site Pornhub launched a “described video” category aimed at users who are blind.  So far, the site’s most popular videos are those narrated by Joseph “Kinky Joe” Mahorn, known in industry circles as “the Shakespeare of anal.”

Jerry, there is no such thing as “late voting.”

San Diego Chargers linebacker Manti T’eo will reportedly miss the rest of the season with an Achilles tendon injury.  Doctors performing an MRI to assess the damage were shocked to find that T’eo never had an Achilles tendon in the first place.

Members of the Harvard men’s soccer team have been punished after their “report” ranking members of the school’s women’s soccer team by attractiveness leaked.  Additionally, the players involved are being vetted for possible posts in President Donald Trump’s cabinet.

Look on the bright side, everyone: If Trump wins, we get another Sound of Music.

The FBI has announced that it found no criminality in its most recent batch of emails relating to Hillary Clinton’s use of a private server while Secretary of State.  However, the bureau has recommended a term of 3-5 years in prison for anyone who talks about the case ever again.

The James Webb Space Telescope, heir to the famed Hubble Space Telescope, is reportedly powerful enough to see far into the past.  Scientists say it can almost, but not quite, make out a time before this election.

And Wolf Blitzer cried, at the horrible sight
“It’s too close to call, we’ll be here all night!”

-The Chairman

Standard

Internal Memo for Thursday, 10/27/16

As last week was spent prepping for, feeding answers to Hillary during, and ultimately manipulating media coverage after the last debate, I was unable to communicate with you “individuals” who will bear the brunt of this glorious “election” to come.  My “sincerest” apologies.  Just know that everything I did last week was in service of your futures.  If they’re bleak, you have me to blame.  If they’re just what you wanted, you have me to thank.  And if they’re both, everything is going according to plan.  Business!

A leading American psychosis expert has advised only using marijuana after the age of 30 to avoid possible mental health issues.  The suggestion is currently irrelevant because, as Fox News has reported, everyone under 30 was given a cannabis injection at birth as part of the War on Christmas.

A 2013 Facebook photo of comedian Bill Murray has the Internet in a frenzy, as many believe it is actually a picture of Tom Hanks.  “People like it because it’s the ultimate thought experiment,” University of Chicago sociology professor Dr. Peter Musselman said of the photo.  “They’re forced to ask themselves: is this the stupidest fucking thing in human history?”

Anna from IT, your body positivity is contagious!  Errybody in the office gettin’ fat!

An activist dressed as a city construction worker has destroyed Donald Trump’s star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.  The man, Jamie Otis, told reporters he really took to heart Michelle Obama’s words from the Democratic National Convention: “When they go low, we pick up a sledgehammer.”

Starbucks is introducing almond milk at a number of its US locations.  The socially and environmentally conscious company has assured consumers it will only use milk from grass-fed almonds free of the controversial recombinant almond growth hormone.

Jerry, there are no “absentee ballots” for the weekly meeting.

Fox News anchor Shepard Smith has come out as gay.  As a result, several thousand of the network’s viewers now believe they have AIDS.

Serial subject Adnan Syed’s lawyers have filed a motion to have him released on bail.  If the motion succeeds, Syed will be allowed to go free provided he stays at least 500 feet from any Best Buy parking lot.

FYI- the China office has requested that we not update our iPhones to the latest iOS yet.  They also don’t want us changing any of our passwords until further notice.

Due to plate tectonics, Australia has shifted almost five feet in the past 20 years.  The change has not had much of an impact on the country, as most of its citizens have been too drunk to notice.

At the White House’s recent South by South Lawn festival of ideas, actor Leonardo DiCaprio revealed that he has signed up to go to Mars.  “I did it for the good of humanity,” DiCaprio told assembled reporters, “and, someday, I’d like to fuck the moon.”

No, no, Lou, it’s not the Mormon mafia, it’s the Jewish mafia… Jesus Christ, get Chuck Todd back in here!

-The Chairman

Standard