Internal Memo for Wednesday, 4/4/18

Blessed Day Jesii,

How was your weekend? Did you get enough sleep? Maybe in a cave? Three days-worth? Then you woke up and showed your cool scars to some friends who told some other friends and suddenly you’re like, hella famous?

That’s nice. It’s also heresy.

Business!

Win Myint has been elected president of Myanmar. Myint ran on an enormously popular platform of economic improvement and swift execution of ethnic minorities.

Donald Trump has blamed violent video games and movies for recent mass shootings, suggesting a rating system for such content. When told such a system already exists, Trump suggested a rating system for such content.

Kudos, Anna from Operations! THAT was the sweet yet sensible candy bar I was thinking of.

Donald Trump has tapped his personal physician, Ronny Jackson, to lead the Department of Veterans Affairs. It will be Jackson’s first time dealing with any kind of veteran in at least two years.

Rapper DMX has been ordered to serve one year in prison for tax fraud. He pled bark to all charges.

Jerry, did you sign me up for a Gap card?

A team from Weill Cornell Medical College recently mapped the DNA found in New York’s subway system, finding samples from 15,152 different species. Researchers were able to map every line but the G, which never came.

In a controversial new interview, Pope Francis reportedly said that hell does not exist. “In these uncertain times,” the Pope told an Italian journalist, “it’s comforting to know that there cannot possibly be any worse place than the world we live in.”

Gooooo tell it on the mouuuun-tain
Over the hills and everywhere
Goooooo tell it on the mouuunnn-tain
Frozen yogurt’s back at the cafeteria!

Following a lengthy investigation, Israeli police have uncovered “sufficient evidence” to charge Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu with corruption. The police refused to recommend charges of murder as well, as they do not consider Palestinians people.

18-year-old Charlie Lagarde of Quebec will receive $1,000 a week for life after the first lottery ticket she ever bought turned out to be a winner. As a bonus, lottery officials will also give Lagarde a lifetime’s supply of cigarettes.

Jesus was my nickname in college. But instead of loaves and fishes…

… I slung hos and bitches.

HIGH FIVE ME GODDAMMIT.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 1/10/18

Welcome to 2018, empty vessels!  Let’s start this new year off right… WITH SOME BUSINESS.

The University of Alabama beat the University of Georgia to win the Division I college football “National Championship” on Monday night.  Tickets to the game rose in value to almost $2,000 before kickoff, or roughly 1/3rd of Alabama’s GDP.

Royal sister-in-law Pippa Middleton was lambasted on social media recently for suggesting that poor children who cannot afford breakfast eat avocado tortillas.  “I apologize for my mistake,” billionaire Middleton said in a statement.  “I just assumed all poor children lived in Mexico.”

Congratulations, Anna from Operations, on your championship-winning fantasy football team, Roy Moore Elementary!  If Jerry had used that name it would have been wholly inappropriate, but I know your intentions are pure.

Despite not being accused of any sort of sexual harassment, documentarian Morgan Spurlock wrote an open letter to fans saying that he’s “part of the problem” of our gender-unequal society.  Critics say the unexpected gesture was solely designed to generate hype for his upcoming sequel, Super Size #MeToo.

Apple is reportedly considering ending music downloads on its once-popular iTunes store.  As a result, U2’s Songs of Innocence will remain the most downloaded album of all time.

Jerry, no more deportations.

New York’s Metropolitan Museum of Art is doing away with its “suggested donation” policy for out-of-towners, and will begin charging a $25 admission fee.  “As part of the decision, the museum will repatriate all of its foreign works to their countries of origin,” Director Thomas P. Campbell said of the controversial decision.  “Just kidding.”

Sources say special counsel Robert Mueller has indicated he would like to interview Donald Trump as part of the ongoing investigation into Russian interference in the 2016 presidential election, prompting concerns from Trump that Mueller might actually be a real person.

With snow in the east and mudslides out west, don’t you just want to “dance yourself clean”?  Well now you can!  Join us at 6:30 AM Friday in the third floor cafeteria as we present a special set by James from Accounting’s cover band, Liquid Crystal Boombox!

The bodies of a Swiss couple who went missing 75 years ago have been found perfectly preserved in a receding glacier.  The discovery is seen as a major victory for proponents of global warming.

Last summer, German police seized 5,000 pills shaped like Donald Trump.  The pills are said to be a relative of ecstasy known as “agony.”

I wouldn’t call myself a “very stable genius”… more like a “voluptuous sexual monstrosity.”

-The Chairman

PS- Ever wondered what I think about amaranthPoughkeepsieKojevian rhetoric as it relates to a Christian reading of Hegelian dialectic?  Write to chairofthebored@gmail.com.  THE COLUMNS ARE BACK, BABY.  And I would like nothing more than to educate my loyal (and consenting) workforce in how you can better serve… me.

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