Internal Memo for Wednesday, 4/1/20

Good Morning Flat-Curvers,

April Fools! It is neither “good” nor the “morning.”

Business!

For the first time since World War II, Wimbledon has been canceled. Would-be competitors are being urged to practice activities that allow for appropriate distancing from others, such as tennis.

President Alexander Lukashenko of Belarus has touted hockey, vodka, and traditional saunas known as “banyas” as treatments for the coronavirus. “That is the wrong message to be sending,” Director of the United States National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases Dr. Anthony Fauci told reporters on Tuesday. “Only two out of three of those work.”

Anna from the infirmary, seems everybody wants a piece of you! Especially me 😉

UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson has tested positive for coronavirus. Since the diagnosis, the number one Google search in Britain has been, “How can a virus catch a virus?” 

The World Happiness Report recently ranked Finland as the world’s happiest country for the third year in a row. The organization has since updated its rankings to account for coronavirus, replacing Finland with Madagascar.

Jerry, roller derby is not an “essential service.”

A Democratic congressman from South Carolina has tested positive for coronavirus. Republican leaders have said the diagnosis should serve as a warning to all future Democrats planning to run in the state.

The head of the Philippines armed forces has also tested positive for coronavirus. “I wouldn’t worry too much about that,” US Secretary of State Mike Pompeo told reporters about the news, “he’s the head of a non-Western military, so we were gonna kill him soon anyway.”

If you haven’t already, please download Tor. This could go on for a while and we’re gonna do some really illegal shit!

New Orleans Saints coach Sean Payton has reportedly recovered from coronavirus. Authorities are still questioning Gregg Williams in relation to the infection.

In other recovery news, a 102-year-old woman in Italy has beaten COVID-19. When asked her secret, Italica Grondona replied, “Not living in the United States.”

Will it be April Fools… forever?

-The Chairman

Internal Memo for Friday, 9/9/16

Smell that?

The grass, the cleats, the America…

Oh, yes… it’s football season.

So grab a girl, lock the bathroom door, and get ready for the most exciting game of all…

BUSINESS.

North Korea claims to have completed its fifth nuclear weapons test Friday morning, the country’s largest yet.  Experts say the powerful warning to the international community was designed to coincide with the annual release of Starbucks’ Pumpkin Spice Latte.

An Australian school has apologized after awarding one of its students a “best-dressed” prize for his Adolf Hitler costume.  The school has declined to comment on the boy’s subsequent award-winning science project.

Great job last night, Anna from the infirmary!  It’s hard to figure out when to examine an NFL player for a concussion, and you exercised appropriate restraint.

Hickeys and wasps are two of the stranger things now known by doctors to cause strokes.  So far this year, hickeys by WASPs have resulted in 15 fatalities in Greenwich, CT alone.

A Canadian man was recently barred from entering the US after admitting he had smoked marijuana in the past.  The man claims he was unfairly profiled, as he is Canadian and thus forbidden to lie.

No, Jerry, you may not request that your quarterly reports be published posthumously.

More than 3 million honeybees are dead after officials in South Carolina utilized aerial insecticide spraying to combat the Zika virus.  “Three million?” South Carolina’s Republican governor Nikki Haley said after hearing the news.  “I told you they weren’t going extinct.”

Chicago’s Lincoln Park Zoo has named its newest baby camel “Alexander Camelton.”  The newborn has already written 51 of the zoo’s wildly popular “Fodderalist Papers,” while the other animals still can’t read.

As summer winds down, don’t forget to get some sun!  We’ve installed grow lights on floors 1-3 to compensate for the lack of windows.

Police officers chasing a Brooklyn robbery suspect Thursday came upon several 8-foot tall marijuana plants in an East New York apartment building.  The officers then seized the plants, indefinitely postponing the release of the much anticipated film Cheech & Chong’s Little Shop of Horrors.

Star Wars: Episode VIII is set to be released in May of 2017.  The script is not yet finished, but Star Wars rights holder Disney is already calling the film, “By far the greatest toy commercial in history.”

Man… nothin like tossin that pigskin.  Isn’t that right, new company spokesperson Peyton Manning?  He’ll endorse anything.

-The Chairman

PS- Miss a recent memo?  SHAME ON YOU.

Catch up here or here.

NOW.