Internal Memo for 3/27/19

Hello Fellow Muetineers,

How does it feel to be betrayed by a hero that you so painstakingly built up over the course of two years despite knowing nothing about him or his field of expertise beyond what was breathlessly and irresponsibly speculated by cable news pundits ad nauseam?

I know, I liked Michael Avenatti, too.

BUSINESS.

Donald Trump’s youngest son, Barron, turned 13 last week. For his Bar Mitzvah, his father gave him jurisdiction over the Gaza Strip.

A California mom has sued Lori Loughlin, Felicity Huffman, and others involved in the “Operation Varsity Blues” college admissions scandal for $500 billion. As a condition of the suit, the defendants’ counsels must have gotten into college the same way their children did.

If anybody’s looking to get drunk tonight, might I recommend Anna from the mailroom’s homebrewed Scottish ale? It’s made with anal yeast!

Nicolas Cage has applied for a marriage license with girlfriend Erika Koike. On the back of the license, there is a map.

Disney’s newest planned Star Wars ride, “Rise of the Resistance,” will reportedly be 28 minutes long, or as long as it took to write the last two films.

Jerry, Jussie Smollett is not “the new OJ.”

To celebrate the launch of its four new “Fresh Faves” box meals, fast food chain Del Taco gave away several bars of its new crinkle-cut French fry-scented soap on its Instagram page. The soap, whose ingredients are a secret, is recommended only for those with fatally dry skin.

ICE is currently detaining 50,000 people, its highest number on record. Donald Trump disputes the reported figure, saying the agency is actually detaining 50,000 animals.

In honor of the new Lorena Bobbitt documentary on Amazon, free haircuts in Conference Room GGG! Pubic and non.

Singer Sam Smith has come out as gender non-binary, assuaging some more conservative fans’ fears that they were gay.

Texas Congressman Beto O’Rourke has officially announced his candidacy for president. Experts say the announcement may be a red herring, as it was made while under the influence of laughing gas at the dentist.

I once read the entire Bible, cover-to-cover.

My summary: Total exoneration of Judas.

-The Chairman

Standard

Internal Memo for Wednesday, 7/6/16

Happy belated, America!  You were the greatest country in the world for the better part of 200 years… quite the accomplishment.  Business!

FBI Director James Comey has called presidential candidate Hillary Clinton “extremely careless” with classified information during her time as Secretary of State, but has not recommended bringing charges against her.  “Listen, she’s no longer in a position of power, so who cares?” Comey said at a press conference.  “No further questions.”

A grizzly bear killed a mountain biker last week near Glacier National Park in Montana.  After the mauling, the bear hopped on the dead man’s bike and now has 5,000,000 views on YouTube.

“Started from the bottom now she’s here!”  Congratulations to Anna from the mailroom on her promotion to “mail supervisor!”  Thirty years in the making!

The Taiwanese military accidentally fired a missile last week that killed a Chinese fisherman.  “We are furious that the Taiwanese military would mercilessly murder a Chinese citizen, accidentally or otherwise,” Chinese General Fan Changlong told reporters after the incident.  “Only we are allowed to do that.”

Virginia lawmakers have introduced new legislation to prevent 12 year-olds from getting married in the state.  “I like the law,” said Felix Hatfield, 53, whose fiancé is 12 year-old Ellie Mae Jensen.  “I’ve always wanted to move to Mississippi.”

Jerry, it’s called a piccolo, not a “sound phallus.”

A work featuring drifting Gabors took home first place in the Neural Correlate Society’s “Best Illusion of the Year” contest for 2016.  The work narrowly beat out the second place illusion: American democracy.

Notorious infidelity website Ashley Madison has admitted that some of the female “users” of its site are not actual women, but virtual computer programs.  “We decided to come clean, as we don’t want any of our users to feel cheated,” parent company Avid Life Media wrote in a statement.  “Just their spouses.”

Want to “Beat the Heat” this summer?  Why not stay at the office?  The AC is on and the work is reeeeaaaallll cooooooooooool.

Pilot Bertrand Piccard made history last month when he completed a 71-hour journey across the Atlantic Ocean in a solar powered plane.  The actual flight took 14 hours, but Piccard’s team built in an additional 57 hours for self-congratulation.

One of Donald Trump’s advisers told CNN that he expects the “candidate” to pick a running mate by next week.  “His choice will need to fit three main criteria,” the source said, “36-24-36.  And only if she’s 5’3”.”

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, and as they age they sort themselves out into very rich and very poor.

-The Chairman

Standard