Internal Memo for Wednesday, 5/22/19

Valar Morghulis.

Valar Dohaeris.

Valar… Business.

For the first time ever, a great white shark has been spotted in the Long Island Sound. The shark settled near Greenwich, Connecticut, where it easily blended in.

At an annual charity hockey game in which he scored eight goals, Russian President Vladimir Putin tripped over a rug on the ice while waving to fans. Putin called the incident “an act of NATO aggression that will not be tolerated.”

Congratulations, Anna from Legal, on publishing your first book! Dukakis: An Erotic Journey can’t not be a hit.

A record 13.6 million viewers took in the series finale of Game of Thrones Sunday night, all from the same HBOGO account.

In further Thrones news, when conservative website The Daily Wire turned a quote from character Syrio Forel into a meme disparaging socialism, the actor who plays Forel, Milton Yerolemou, took to Twitter to express his displeasure. Many conservatives were surprised to learn that someone in a show that glorifies torture and inherited wealth while breaking all of the promises made to its supporters over the years did not share their views.

Jerry, you are not the new Matlock.

Australian Prime Minister Scott Morrison was re-elected last week, despite his Liberal-National Coalition trailing in the polls for over two years. Donald Trump reportedly called to congratulate Morrison on his “big victory” and urged him not to take the country in the direction of its neighbor, Germany.

Taiwan has become the first Asian country to legalize same-sex marriage. Under the “one China” policy, the preceding sentence is nonsense.

Thanks to everyone who came out last Saturday to commemorate the ninth anniversary of Joe Sestak’s historic victory over Arlen Specter in the 2010 US Senate Democratic primary in Pennsylvania! That was some gooooood scrapple.

Actress Scarlett Johansson is engaged to SNL performer Colin Jost. “Scarlett’s already been married twice, which shows that love is a fleeting thing that ends not with eternal happiness but a bitter and lasting disappointment that strips us of our innocence and forces us to confront our own mortality in ways that lead to self-harm and perhaps the harm of others,” Johansson’s publicist said in a statement. “And the couple is very happy.”

Washington has become the first state to allow human remains to be composted. “This is an outrage,” one lawmaker who opposed the measure told reporters, “people will be rolling in their graves.”

You know nothing, Jon Sno- er, David Benioff.

Seriously, fuck that guy.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/20/19

Happy Presidents’ Day week! Remember those guys?

BUSINESS.

Hong Kong has instituted a ban on vaping that could result in jail time for violators. As a result, several million teenagers have applied for Australian refugee status.

The Bramble Cay melomys, a tiny brown rodent native to the island of Bramble Cay near Papua New Guinea, has become the first mammal to go extinct due to climate change. Donald Trump has since released a statement asserting the animal never existed.

Anna from Reception, are you Portugal? Because when I was last in you, you were FULL of cheap wine.

Navy veteran George Mendonsa, the man depicted in the iconic “kissing sailor” photo from the end of World War II, has died. “It’s a real shame- there will never be another photo like it,” Mendonsa said in an interview last year, “because now our wars don’t end.”

Despite having only 5% of the world’s population, the United States consumes 80% of the world’s supply of prescription opioids. Upon hearing of the statistic, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell tweeted, “Who says we don’t have universal healthcare?”

Jerry, you were not the inspiration behind Bohemian Rhapsody.

Former New York Congressman Anthony Weiner has been released from federal prison. “I’m just so grateful,” Weiner told reporters on his way out of the facility, “that she’s almost of age.”

Prominent New York real estate developer David Lichtenstein called the day Amazon announced it would cancel plans to build its “HQ2” in New York “the worst day for NYC since 9/11.” In the wake of the insensitive comment, many are calling Lichtenstein the second-worst developer in New York’s history.

The Oscars are this Sunday! Has anybody seen Green Book? That’s the one with Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez as Mao, right?

A man pretended to be stood up by his date at Outback Steakhouse on Valentine’s Day in an attempt to get a free meal. The restaurant became suspicious when the man chose to dine at an Outback Steakhouse on Valentine’s Day.

Despite posting a profit of over $11 billion last year, Amazon is expected to pay $0 in federal taxes. In exchange, all IRS workers will receive free two-day shopping on purchases for the next year.

Presidents — they’re just like us. They eat, sleep, and breathe amoral profit.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/7/18

Great news, ingrates! I, your most trusted and powerful kin- I mean, chairman, now have…

wait for it…

A TWITTER FEED.

🙌🙌🙌

“Bang it” here, as the kids say, for the latest in erotic witticisms and company paraphernalia.

Take your time. We’ll be here when you’re done.

BUSINESS.

Unscrupulous ridesharing giant Uber has unveiled its latest project: Uber Elevate, a service that would bring flight to urban commuting. No word yet on whether pilots will talk to you.

Actor John Stamos has married Caitlin McHugh, who is the same age as the Olsen twins.

Hey Anna from Legal, are you the stock market? Cause you were gettin DOWN at the company happy hour!

Erstwhile comedian Aaron Glaser, who was blacklisted from New York comedy theater the Upright Citizens Brigade after charges of sexual assault, is suing the theater for gender discrimination. “Look at their improv teams,” Glaser said in his lawsuit. “Not a straight white man among them.”

The eastern cougar has been declared extinct. The western cougar is thriving, mostly in Palm Springs.

Jerry, it is not titled Call Me By Your Peach.

The Philadelphia Eagles defeated the New England Patriots by a score of 41-33 on Sunday to take home the team’s first Super Bowl. Afterwards, rioters in Philadelphia overturned cars, scaled light posts, and finally killed Santa Claus.

In further Super Bowl news, Australian Trade Minister Steve Ciobo estimates that an Australian tourism ad that ran during the game depicting a fake Crocodile Dundee sequel generated $30 million in free media. That’s $30 million Australian, or roughly 35 cents, enough to buy 13 Crocodile Dundee box sets.

The Winter Olympics begins Friday! It’s full of bi athletes! HA- never gets old.

A leading nutritionist says eating a slice of pizza for breakfast is healthier than eating a bowl of cereal. “It’s common sense,” Dr. Dolores PapaJohn told website The Daily Meal. “It has better ingredients.”

Pharmaceutical giant Pfizer has cut its entire research budget for drugs that treat Alzheimer’s Disease. Facing backlash, the company released a statement reading, “Everybody relax. Patients won’t notice.”

Before you know it, I’ll have a Snapchat! A public one, that is 😉

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 1/24/18

Good morning, all.  It has come to my attention that, due to recent high temperatures at our Sydney office, some of our most vigilant attack bats have died.  This has left our colleagues down under perilously open to potential danger, as Australia is a land of convicts.  Thus, I am instituting the first companywide draft since the 1960s- all men, women, and children over the age of 13 will be required to register with our new Mandatory Service Office and await further instruction.  Semper prodest!

BUSINESS.

Federal immigration authorities last week raided dozens of 7-Eleven stores around the country in search of unlawfully employed illegal immigrants.  The raids were said to be the result of a misunderstanding after Attorney General Jeff Sessions watched The Problem with Apu.

A Russian couple suspected of killing and eating up to 30 victims has been apprehended.  The husband and wife were reportedly caught with their hands in the hand jar.

Congratulations, Anna from Accounts Receivable, on your new baby!  Sorry you have to give it to Kim and Kanye :(.

While awaiting retrial on charges of sexual assault, Bill Cosby performed an impromptu standup comedy set at Philadelphia’s La Rose Jazz Club Monday night.  Sources say the club featured a special cocktail for the evening.

A vacation home where President Obama occasionally stayed with his family from 2008 to 2011 is available to rent at a reported $3,500 a night.  The property’s listing says it is in Hawaii, but many people are saying it is actually located in Kenya.

Jerry, this company was not the inspiration for Get Out.

Delta Airlines has adopted new guidelines prohibiting passengers from traveling with certain emotional support animals such as turkeys and ferrets.  “If turkeys were meant to fly,” Delta said in a statement, “God would have given them wings.”

In further Delta news, the airline is one of multiple carriers considering charging passengers on flights from the United States to Europe for checked baggage.  Delta says the move will allow the company to lower fares, then raise them again in a few months.

Thinking about violating your NDA?  Don’t!

2018 has already seen over a dozen cases of poisoning from the so-called “Tide pod challenge,” a game in which teenagers dare each other to eat the eponymous laundry detergent capsules.  Police across the nation are asking teens to come clean.

Missouri Governor Eric Greitens has admitted to an affair with his former hairdresser.  “What can I say?” Greitens said at a recent press conference, “She gives a mean blowout.”

Vladimir… Bubbles… Drac… you’re all going on the Wall of Honor.  R.I.T(rees).

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Thursday, 10/27/16

As last week was spent prepping for, feeding answers to Hillary during, and ultimately manipulating media coverage after the last debate, I was unable to communicate with you “individuals” who will bear the brunt of this glorious “election” to come.  My “sincerest” apologies.  Just know that everything I did last week was in service of your futures.  If they’re bleak, you have me to blame.  If they’re just what you wanted, you have me to thank.  And if they’re both, everything is going according to plan.  Business!

A leading American psychosis expert has advised only using marijuana after the age of 30 to avoid possible mental health issues.  The suggestion is currently irrelevant because, as Fox News has reported, everyone under 30 was given a cannabis injection at birth as part of the War on Christmas.

A 2013 Facebook photo of comedian Bill Murray has the Internet in a frenzy, as many believe it is actually a picture of Tom Hanks.  “People like it because it’s the ultimate thought experiment,” University of Chicago sociology professor Dr. Peter Musselman said of the photo.  “They’re forced to ask themselves: is this the stupidest fucking thing in human history?”

Anna from IT, your body positivity is contagious!  Errybody in the office gettin’ fat!

An activist dressed as a city construction worker has destroyed Donald Trump’s star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.  The man, Jamie Otis, told reporters he really took to heart Michelle Obama’s words from the Democratic National Convention: “When they go low, we pick up a sledgehammer.”

Starbucks is introducing almond milk at a number of its US locations.  The socially and environmentally conscious company has assured consumers it will only use milk from grass-fed almonds free of the controversial recombinant almond growth hormone.

Jerry, there are no “absentee ballots” for the weekly meeting.

Fox News anchor Shepard Smith has come out as gay.  As a result, several thousand of the network’s viewers now believe they have AIDS.

Serial subject Adnan Syed’s lawyers have filed a motion to have him released on bail.  If the motion succeeds, Syed will be allowed to go free provided he stays at least 500 feet from any Best Buy parking lot.

FYI- the China office has requested that we not update our iPhones to the latest iOS yet.  They also don’t want us changing any of our passwords until further notice.

Due to plate tectonics, Australia has shifted almost five feet in the past 20 years.  The change has not had much of an impact on the country, as most of its citizens have been too drunk to notice.

At the White House’s recent South by South Lawn festival of ideas, actor Leonardo DiCaprio revealed that he has signed up to go to Mars.  “I did it for the good of humanity,” DiCaprio told assembled reporters, “and, someday, I’d like to fuck the moon.”

No, no, Lou, it’s not the Mormon mafia, it’s the Jewish mafia… Jesus Christ, get Chuck Todd back in here!

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Tuesday, 10/4/16

Who’s excited for tonight’s VICE PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE???

Don’t all jump at once.

Well, at least we have THE BUSINESS.

North Korea has banned sarcasm.  It’ll totally work.

Brad Pitt, recently separated from wife Angelina Jolie, is reportedly being investigated for child abuse.  Pitt contends his children watched Babel of their own accord.

Anna from Payroll wins again!  Nobody else could name more than four continents?  Really?

Canada has announced that all of its national parks will be fee free for the entirety of 2017.  Many Americans have expressed surprise that there ever were fees, as Canadians have historically been far too polite to collect them.

In his new autobiography, Hall of Famer Steve Young says that a referee once gave him a favorable call because he wanted the quarterback to go out with his daughter.  “I told him, ‘I appreciate it, sir, but I usually try to avoid the sack.’”  Young writes.  “But seriously, I’m Mormon and sex is a disgusting sin like coffee.”

Jerry, the foreman of the jury does not get two votes.

Queen Elizabeth II’s cousin Lord Ivar Mountbatten has become the first member of the British Royal Family to come out as gay.  “I’m finally ready to say it:” Mountbatten wrote in a statement, “from time to time, I do like to engage in a bit of hibbity-pibbity.”

Furniture company Taybles is currently offering a $2,300 coffee table shaped like a cassette tape.  Those who sign up for the accompanying subscription plan will be sent a new CD-shaped table in 10 years, then no tables ever again.

Don’t forget that this Thursday is photo day!  This year’s theme is Hieronymus Bosch.

A Swedish court has ordered one of the country’s colleges to refund an American student’s tuition after giving her a “useless” degree.  The student, who is planning on enrolling in an American university, is retaining counsel.

Eighteen-year-old Australian pilot Lachlan Smart has become the youngest person to fly around the world in a single engine plane, completing the journey in eight weeks.  Since completing the feat, Smart has resumed his life as a wealthy young man with nothing but time.

I hope Tim Kaine “hablas español” at the debate tonight… I know how the “chicas” !!love that¡¡

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Thursday, 5/8/14

Whew… back on schedule.  And just in time!  With the first pick in the 2014 NFL Draft, the Houston Texans select… BUSINESS.

Controversial photos emerged this week of 13 year-old Willow Smith lying in bed with shirtless actor Moises Arias.  Arias, 20, is probably a pedophile.

Actor Mekhi Phifer has filed for bankruptcy, proving once and for all that man these goddamn food stamps don’t buy diapers, and, in the end, there’s no movie, there’s no Mekhi Phifer.

With the second pick in the 2014 NFL Draft, the St. Louis Rams select… Anna from legal, running back, University of Cincinnati.  Anna has solid hip swivel and above-average elusiveness.  Trust me, I would know.

An Australian man has been charged with disorderly behavior and resisting police after getting so drunk on his wedding day that the minister called off the ceremony.  Jacob Francis Brookes, 41, says he plans to fight the charges and, if necessary, the judge.

Center Andrew Bynum has left the Indiana Pacers.  The team wishes him well in his quest to ever give a shit about anything at all.

With the third pick in the 2014 NFL Draft, the Jacksonville Jaguars select… Tim from the mailroom, quarterback, Florida.  Tim had a brief stint in the NFL before working in our mailroom.  He has worked his way back into the draft thanks to his faith and an obscure loophole in the league’s collective bargaining agreement.

A 6.8 magnitude earthquake hit southern Mexico on Thursday, damaging buildings and delaying cocaine shipments to the United States by 2-3 hours.

A sunken ship off the coast of South Carolina could hold as much as $1 billion in gold.  No word on whether or not the clipper’s owner intends to sell.
 
With the fourth pick in the 2014 NFL Draft, the Cleveland Browns select… Michael Sam, defensive end, Missouri.
 
A West Virginia woman has found a kidney donor on Craigslist.  Herself.

A new book quotes Michael Jordan as saying that he once considered himself a racist.  Disgraced Clippers owner Donald Sterling has since released a statement reading, “SEE?  SEE????”

Well, Jerry… there’s always next year.

-The Chairman

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