Good Afternoon Recent Graduates,
As some of you may know, I am often asked to speak at commencement exercises for various colleges, universities, and Economics Institutes for Federal Judges. This year, with many such ceremonies happening virtually, I declined, as I would not receive my customary fees and all-expenses-paid trips. This was a heart-wrenching decision for me, as I enjoy nothing more than steeping the young minds of America in her favored ideals of progress, liberty, freedom, economic progress, economic liberty, and economic freedom. In lieu of my usual (poignant and timely) remarks, I will defer instead to my great-great-great-grandfather, who spoke the following words to the Harvard College class of 1895:
Go forth, ye humble souls, and live off of the land. For the land shall be tilled by those less skilled, less gifted, less noble of birth and destiny than yourselves, and they shall happily render unto you what is yours, which is everything but the barest necessities on which they are to live, work, and bear children, who will in time take up the selfsame stations in life upon their parents’ unremarkable demise, never ascending to the heights you have achieved by dint of birth and breeding, not to mention your lofty achievement in graduating from this most hallowed of American universities.
Congratulations, graduates of the Harvard (and Yale, and Princeton) class of 2020: A bright future awaits!
A future… of business!
A Republican state senator from Ohio has been fired from his job as an ER doctor for asking at a recent hearing whether “African Americans or the colored population” are more susceptible to the novel coronavirus because they “do not wash their hands as well as other groups.” “This is just not fair,” State Senator Steve Huffman told reporters in the wake of the incident, “I’ve never met one.”
Scientists stationed aboard the International Space Station have reportedly created a fifth state of matter. The resulting material was discovered through experiments costing a reported $2.5 trillion and has no practical application.
Anna from Analytics, you look so happy in all of your Instagram posts from 2012.
ABC News has placed executive Barbara Fedida on leave after reports of her using racist language on multiple occasions. Many white women have since come to Fedida’s defense, calling her alleged comments “locker room talk.”
The Small Business Administration has declined to identify any of the 4.5 million businesses that have so far received over $500 billion of coronavirus-related bailout funds. “We have a lot of things to take care of before we can release that information,” Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin said at a recent press conference, “like secure another $500 billion from taxpayers.”
Jerry, you do not have an adopted Cuban son.
New York University has announced that it will reopen for in-person classes in the fall. Attending students will be required to enroll in the university’s health insurance plan, which diverts all payment for treatment of those who contract the virus directly to the NYU-Langone hospital system.
Standup comic Chris D’Elia stands accused of sexual harassment and pedophilia. In a newly resurfaced video from 2011, D’Elia told E! News that his comedy heroes were “Louis CK, Bill Cosby, Jeffrey Epstein… you know, all the greats.”
Good news, everyone: Our New York City office has been cleared for Phase II reopening! That means meetings of up to 10 people, meals in the cafeteria, and open-mouth kissing (where appropriate).
Adult film star Ron Jeremy has taken to Twitter in an attempt to stop power company Con Edison from cutting down a tree planted by his father outside of his childhood home in Queens. “I cannot let them cut it down!!” Jeremy said in a tweet. “This tree – this very large, girthy, extremely hard tree – taught me everything I know.”
Country music group Lady Antebellum has changed its name to “Lady A.” The band’s members have clarified that the move was not made in response to recent protests seeking racial justice, but as an homage to Senator Lindsey Graham.
Yeah, Great-Great-Great-Grandpa was a great-great-great man.
Never worked a day in his life.