Internal Memo for Wednesday, 1/24/18

Good morning, all.  It has come to my attention that, due to recent high temperatures at our Sydney office, some of our most vigilant attack bats have died.  This has left our colleagues down under perilously open to potential danger, as Australia is a land of convicts.  Thus, I am instituting the first companywide draft since the 1960s- all men, women, and children over the age of 13 will be required to register with our new Mandatory Service Office and await further instruction.  Semper prodest!

BUSINESS.

Federal immigration authorities last week raided dozens of 7-Eleven stores around the country in search of unlawfully employed illegal immigrants.  The raids were said to be the result of a misunderstanding after Attorney General Jeff Sessions watched The Problem with Apu.

A Russian couple suspected of killing and eating up to 30 victims has been apprehended.  The husband and wife were reportedly caught with their hands in the hand jar.

Congratulations, Anna from Accounts Receivable, on your new baby!  Sorry you have to give it to Kim and Kanye :(.

While awaiting retrial on charges of sexual assault, Bill Cosby performed an impromptu standup comedy set at Philadelphia’s La Rose Jazz Club Monday night.  Sources say the club featured a special cocktail for the evening.

A vacation home where President Obama occasionally stayed with his family from 2008 to 2011 is available to rent at a reported $3,500 a night.  The property’s listing says it is in Hawaii, but many people are saying it is actually located in Kenya.

Jerry, this company was not the inspiration for Get Out.

Delta Airlines has adopted new guidelines prohibiting passengers from traveling with certain emotional support animals such as turkeys and ferrets.  “If turkeys were meant to fly,” Delta said in a statement, “God would have given them wings.”

In further Delta news, the airline is one of multiple carriers considering charging passengers on flights from the United States to Europe for checked baggage.  Delta says the move will allow the company to lower fares, then raise them again in a few months.

Thinking about violating your NDA?  Don’t!

2018 has already seen over a dozen cases of poisoning from the so-called “Tide pod challenge,” a game in which teenagers dare each other to eat the eponymous laundry detergent capsules.  Police across the nation are asking teens to come clean.

Missouri Governor Eric Greitens has admitted to an affair with his former hairdresser.  “What can I say?” Greitens said at a recent press conference, “She gives a mean blowout.”

Vladimir… Bubbles… Drac… you’re all going on the Wall of Honor.  R.I.T(rees).

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 6/21/17

GOOOOOOOOOD MORNING VIETNAM.

Whoops, sorry, still America.  Close enough these days.

Did you domestic servants miss me?  Over the last couple of months, your old friend The Chairman has been in the kitchen, cookin up some bigtime deals.  He’s also spent some time in the bathroom, flushing the competition.  AND he’s been in the laundry room, laundering money.  Don’t look in the basement…

BUSINESS.

Uber CEO (and noted asshole) Travis Kalanick has resigned.  He will be replaced by the world’s first ever self-driving CEO.

Donald Trump’s son-in-law Jared Kushner has been named a “person of interest” in the ongoing investigation into possible collusion between the Trump campaign and Russia in last year’s presidential election.  Kushner has responded by selling several million dollars in real estate to the Russian government.

Boy, am I glad you installed that dashcam, Anna from security!  You’re a real Tawny Kitaen on that hood.

Roger Moore, star of seven James Bond films, has died.  He will be replaced by Daniel Craig.

In comedian Bill Cosby’s high-profile sexual assault case that ended in a mistrial last week, Cosby’s defense team stunned everyone by resting after just six minutes.  The decision shocked even Cosby himself, who told reporters, “I didn’t expect the pills to work that quickly.”

Jerry, there’s no such thing as “My Super Sharia Sweet Sixteen.”

A new study shows that drinking non-dairy instead of dairy milk may stunt children’s growth.  The study is based on the fact that there are zero professional basketball players from Park Slope.

The California state senate recently passed a bill that would give all of the state’s citizens access to public healthcare, as well as 1% of the gross.

Today is the longest (work)day of the year!  Doesn’t the sun just make everything better?  ESPECIALLY being inside.

Tiger Woods says he’s seeking “professional help” after being arrested last month for driving under the influence.  In the process, Woods has coined the greatest euphemism for prostitution in history.

Bloomberg News is reporting that, during the 2016 US election, Russian hackers were able to breach the voting systems of 39 separate states.  Experts worry that attacks could continue into the future, and may even influence who is elected president.

Who wants to join me in the bedroom?  It’s not harassment if it’s a metaphor!

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Friday, 10/14/16

Loyal minions, oh so much has happened since our last correspondence.  Tapes were leaked, pussies were grabbed, and America finally came to terms with the fact that it is an unrepentantly sexist gloryhole that can only be reborn in fire.

I’ll light the first match!  BUSINESS.

British insurance company More Than has commissioned artist Dominic Wilcox to create the first-ever contemporary art exhibition for dogs.  The installation has caused much consternation in the British academy, as many critics have deemed it, dismissively, “pup art.”

Last month, Russian hackers infiltrated the World Anti-Doping Agency database and published medical records for Olympic athletes such as Simone Biles and Venus and Serena Williams.  After the WADA attack and a similar one on the Democratic National Committee, the only thing Russian hackers still haven’t been able to get into is a vagina.

Let’s all welcome Anna from HR back from her long, productive stint in rehab!  Sometimes to truly understand the rules, you have to break them repeatedly.

Reddit users have discovered that Internet sensation Ken Bone, who gained fame for asking a question about energy policy at the second presidential debate, admitted on the site to committing insurance fraud and believing the shooting of Trayvon Martin was justified.  User Rand0mzz281 expressed frustration with Bone on the subreddit r/SexWithDeadDogs, stating “Yo, this dude is sic.”  He later added, “dat sweater doe.”

The most expensive flight in the world is now Etihad Airlines first-class trip from New York City to Mumbai, India, checking in at $38,000 one-way.  Of course, the fare is only available to Kshatriyas and above.

Jerry, it rubs the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again.

For the first time in recorded history, atmospheric carbon levels have reached 400 parts per million at their annual minimum, a measurement that some scientists are calling the planet’s “point of no return.”  Director Michael Bay has already optioned a film with that title, starring Scarlett Johansson as sexy scientist May Bescrewed and Vin Diesel as carbon.

On the heels of her husband’s recently leaked comments regarding women’s genitalia, Melania Trump wore a “pussy-bow” shirt to the second presidential debate.  The act represents the only moment of genuine self-awareness in the entire 2016 campaign.

Whatever you do, don’t read this!  Or this!

Russian state television cut a recent weather report during which it referenced a possible nuclear attack on America.  “We’re very sorry,” a network executive said in a statement, “for tipping our hand.”

A new study suggests that human beings may only be able to live to 115 years old.  This comes as a relief to many millennials, who can now target 2035 as the year they no longer have to hear about “The Greatest Generation.”

Smell that?

That’s Bill Cosby.  He was the first to go.

-The Chairman

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