Internal Memo for Thursday, 5/16/19

Good afternoon defense contractors,

Apologies for the delay in sending this week’s memo- we were busy diversifying our portfolio in anticipation of the forthcoming hostilities. We’ve already made a major investment in what is sure to be the hottest commodity to come out of a full-blown US-Iran conflict: Argo 2!

Business!

Britney Spears’ manager says she may never return to her Las Vegas residency, or to any sort of performance. He has released a video urging the public to leave his client alone.

Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers made a cameo appearance in last Sunday’s installment of Game of Thrones. Fans were disappointed he didn’t audible out of the show’s script.

Anna from our Moldovan office, good luck in the Eurovision Semifinal tonight! I promise to “Stay” with you all night long 😉

The House Ways & Means Committee has issued subpoenas to Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin and IRS Commissioner Charles Rettig, instructing them to hand over Donald Trump’s tax returns by this Friday at the latest. Mnuchin and Rettig say they have already delivered the documents to the committee in an inconspicuous can labeled “MIXED NUTS.”

The US State Department has ordered all nonemergency personnel out of Iraq. The move takes the number of diplomats in the country from zero to zero.

Jerry, you are not Andrew Yang’s running mate.

According to the Social Security Administration, 11 children named “Cersei” were born in the United States in 2017. There was also one named “Harry Strickland,” but he quickly died.

In related news, three people were shot dead with a crossbow this week in Passau, Germany. The city has closed all bathrooms until further notice.

Congratulations to everyone who performed in our companywide talent show last night! Jasmine from IT, I didn’t know you could fit that many knives into your left nostril! Way to use that coke habit.

Andrew Munday, a British accountant who stole over $3 million from singer Rita Ora and other high-profile clients, has been sentenced to six years in prison. Munday is said to be seeking extradition to the United States, where Goldman Sachs has offered him the position of CFO.

The price of a single Bitcoin has climbed back up over $7,000, its highest mark this year. Experts predict it will reach $1 trillion by August.

Really looking forward to Gone with the Wind 2. That sequel is WAY overdue.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 8/9/16

Good midweek, mine gentle servitudes.  Today’s memo begins with some BUSINESS!

No, not the usual kind of business… something else entirely.  An honest-to-goodness UPDATE on the future of the MEMO.

From now on, the memo will be delivered (and posted on https://tcotb.wordpress.com/)at precisely 10 AM EST (or EDT) every Wednesday morning.  How will I assure such German punctuality?  The old fashioned way… illegal immigrant manual child labor!

As always, please direct any comments or concerns to chairofthebored@gmail.com, where I will take a cursory look before utterly disregarding them.  Now… THE REAL BUSINESS.

The CEO of the Democratic National Committee has resigned following the party’s recent email leak.  As is customary for all American CEOs, she leaves with a $20 million tax-free severance and first refusal on the financial ruin of up to three other companies.

On August 31st, JetBlue will become the first US airline to fly commercial to Cuba.  To make Cubans feel more at home, the airline will be replacing its usual planes with 1955 Ford Fairlane convertibles.

We’ve been hacked!  Nice job, Anna from Childcare- you earned those Bitcoins.

A veteran supporter recently gifted Donald Trump a purple heart, to which the “presidential candidate” replied that he’d “always wanted” one, and that this way of receiving it was “much easier” than serving in combat.  The veteran then replied, “Fuck you,” and punched Trump in the face.  Just kidding, he’s a Trump supporter.

The “Impossible Burger,” a meatless hamburger made up of plant proteins, made its debut recently at New York City’s Refinery Hotel.  The burger has been hailed as “a possible solution to global warming” and “a great way to find out which of your friends suck.”

Jerry, that’s a different kind of skeet.

Verizon has purchased Yahoo! for $4.8 billion, much less than the $44.6 billion Microsoft reportedly offered for the company in 2008.  “We’re very happy with the deal,” CEO Marissa Mayer replied when asked about the difference between the two proposals.  “We here at Yahoo! are very comfortable with declining numbers.”

Uber has officially pulled out of China.  Remarkably, the country has still become pregnant with the company’s child: capitalist greed.

The results of our annual office morale study are in!  And they are confidential.

Italy’s parliament has begun debating a law that would legalize growing, cultivating, and selling marijuana.  The bill’s greatest proponents are Italian mothers, who are in favor of anything that will make their children “Mangia!  Mangia!”

Eminem’s former bodyguard claims rap mogul Suge Knight tried to have the Grammy-winning emcee killed in 2001.  Knight, whom many believe had a hand in killing Tupac Shakur in 1996, reportedly “didn’t want people to think [he] was racist.”

Hector, put down that lollipop.  Don’t make me deport you!

-The Chairman

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