Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/5/14

All right, my Casual Friday cohorts, I’m long overdue in addressing the purpose of these weekly memos.  In case you were unaware, I am your fearless leader at this fearless company, and I expect my employees to be informed.  You never know when some upstart like Bonobos or McDonald’s will come along and try to steal our bacon.  Stay vigilant!  Stay alert!  Stay at home mom!  Business!

Some of the world’s richest people met last week in Davos, Switzerland to solve the global problem of income inequality.  Each of the 250 participants settled on a plan to employ 35 new workers at minimum wage by 2018.

A Singapore man stabbed his mother to death because he thought she was a genie.  “I am mortified,” Mohamed Redha Abdul Mutalib said, “I should have tried stuffing her into a lamp.”

Let’s all congratulate Anna from the cafeteria on her new promotion!  She makes the best sloppy joes in the world, and now she’ll be doing so as Vice President of Sales and Marketing.  Upward mobility!

Pharmacy giant CVS will stop selling tobacco.  “Don’t worry, consumers,” CEO Larry J. Merlo said in a statement, “we’ll still carry a wide variety of your favorite prescription pills, as well as everything you need to make meth out of your basement.”

The NFL is considering proposals to eliminate the extra point.  One possibility is to replace each extra point try with a 20-minute Powerpoint presentation detailing the myriad steps taken by Commissioner Goodell to prevent concussions and improve player safety across the league, narrated by Kurt Russell.

Jerry, did you buy the whale from Blackfish?  The third floor is not an aquarium!

A Pennsylvania English teacher has been arrested for having sex with a 17 year-old student.  “Why’d they arrest Mrs. Cooper?” said Jane Simon, another student, “I was just starting to understand Lolita.”

Actual headline from “Sienna Miller is contrite, topless in ‘Esquire UK’.”  Ha-ha!  Oh, I had almost forgotten!  The American media is a joke!

Woody Allen has again denied charges that he molested his then seven year-old adopted daughter Dylan in 1993.  Critics have called the denial “witty and charming” and “Allen’s most original work since Bullets Over Broadway.”

Anybody remember the FOX show “New Amsterdam”?  Neither do I!

Sochi officials are allegedly poisoning stray dogs in advance of the Olympics.  “Relax,” said Russian President Vladimir Putin, “we’re not poisoning the gays.  Yet.”

In other Olympic news, some toilets in Sochi do not accept toilet paper.  However, toilet paper is accepted as currency at most major Russian retailers.

Questions?  Comments?  Concerns?  Email me!  Just don’t expect a response- I’m busy and important!

-The Chairman