Internal Memo for Thursday, 3/4/20

Greetings Pledged Delegates.

Apologies for the delay- I don’t know about you, but I am HUNGOVER from Super Tuesday. Frankly, I haven’t had that much coconut rum since the South Carolina primary. In case you were wondering, here’s a recap of our spending for the occasion:

$2,000,000 to the Biden campaign in the form of a 12.5% APR loan to be repaid in full and with decreased tariffs on our imports from China within two years of election.

$5 to the Gabbard campaign to satisfy federal workplace diversity requirements.

$1,000,000 to the Sanders campaign in the form of an in-kind donation of man hours to proactively engage or respond to anyone who has ever said anything negative about Bernie, or anything at all about politics, on Twitter, Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram, Reddit, Marco Polo, TikTok, Macy’s.com, and in-person.

$10,0000,000 to the Warren campaign in the form of ad spending from the intentionally opaque Super PACs we set up last week to camoflauge her genuine respect for the American people and the rule of law and get that fucking anti-corporate changemaking bitch out of the race altogether.

$48,000/year for the past 12 years to the Bloomberg campaign for our two beautiful terminals.

Mission accomplished!

BUSINESS.

Scientists have discovered the first known organism that does not need oxygen to live. The parasite, dubbed “Ben Shapiro,” subsists only on the adoration of incels.

Rhode Island has reported its first confirmed case of coronavirus. It is also the nation’s smallest.

Anna from Marketing, have you been tested yet? Cause I have an in-home kit… 

Italy has announced it will close schools nationwide for the next 10 days in response to the country’s coronavirus outbreak. At the time of the announcement, schools in the south of the country had already been closed for five years due to “Why bother?”

James Lipton, longtime host of “Inside the Actors Studio,” has died. When asked on his deathbed what he would like Saint Peter to say to him when he reaches heaven, Lipton replied, “I’ll be asking the questions.”

Jerry, coronavirus is not spread by hijabs.

Businessman Michael Bloomberg has officially suspended his campaign for president. The former New York City Mayor spent over $500 million dollars on advertising during his brief run, $499 million of which went to American Samoa.

The past week also saw the departures of billionaire Tom Steyer, Mayor Pete Buttigieg, and Senator Amy Klobuchar from the presidential race. Buttigieg and Klobuchar have since endorsed former Vice President Joe Biden, while Steyer is considering buying a different public office.

I’ve been asked by a lot of people this week how the company will be handling the growing threat posed by coronavirus.

The NFL’s Los Angeles Chargers are reportedly considering a move to London, England amid financial troubles in their new home city. “It’s tough out here,” wide receiver Keenan Allen told Sports Illustrated Tuesday. “Nobody’s booked a gig in months and we’re really struggling.”

Pioneering hip-hop group Public Enemy has cut ties with hype man Flavor Flav after Flav took issue with the group’s endorsement of Bernie Sanders. Flav reportedly disagreed with the rest of the group over Bernie’s plan to place a moratorium on vertical integration of large agribusiness corporations, which Flav has called “YEAAAHHHH BOYEEEEEEEE.”

she’s out, right?

… right?

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 6/26/19

Hello fellow women’s soccer stars,

The World Cup is on! And BOY, has it been… on!

I haven’t watched a minute, but that’s because I’ve been too busy doing research on the team.

Gotta be prepared. Business!

Former NBA Coach of the Year Don Nelson is now a marijuana farmer on Maui. “This gig is great,” Nelson said in a recent interview, “it keeps me in touch with a lot of current players.”

In further NBA news, the league is reportedly exploring shortening its regular season and creating an in-season tournament. The in-season tournament will reportedly be called “March Madness,” and it will involve unpaid college athletes playing for a small number of spots in the next year’s draft.

Don’t give up, Anna from Finance! Only $200 to go on your Kickstarter for new implants!

Bloomberg reports that Donald Trump’s latest round of tariffs targeted towards China may raise the cost of Bibles in the United States. “This is clearly fake news,” Trump said in a statement, “God will not stop printing the Bible.”

In further Trump news, the businessman has denied a new rape allegation by writer E. Jean Carroll by saying, “She’s not my type.” When asked what his type was, Trump replied, “Beautiful clean coal.”

Jerry, you did not qualify for the Democratic debates.

A substitute teacher in Texas has been fired after she filmed a pornographic movie in her classroom. The teacher contends that she was unfairly targeted, as she’s seen “plenty” of porn filmed in schools.

The only police officer in Cement, Oklahoma has been arrested on child prostitution charges following a lengthy internal struggle.

If you’ve been suffering from indigestion lately, you’re not alone! In a cost-cutting measure, I’ve recently fired the entire cafeteria staff and replaced them with Guatemalans.

An internationally famous Russian poker player was found dead after being electrocuted while dying her hair. Friends said Lilya Novikova was “very smart with poker” and “that’s it.”

The oldest living European, 116-year-old Giuseppina Robucci, has died. Robucci credited her survival through two world wars that ravaged the continent to “hating the Jews when I needed to.”

Watching this team, I’ve gotten really good at dribbling.






… that was too far.









… even for me.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 6/21/17

GOOOOOOOOOD MORNING VIETNAM.

Whoops, sorry, still America.  Close enough these days.

Did you domestic servants miss me?  Over the last couple of months, your old friend The Chairman has been in the kitchen, cookin up some bigtime deals.  He’s also spent some time in the bathroom, flushing the competition.  AND he’s been in the laundry room, laundering money.  Don’t look in the basement…

BUSINESS.

Uber CEO (and noted asshole) Travis Kalanick has resigned.  He will be replaced by the world’s first ever self-driving CEO.

Donald Trump’s son-in-law Jared Kushner has been named a “person of interest” in the ongoing investigation into possible collusion between the Trump campaign and Russia in last year’s presidential election.  Kushner has responded by selling several million dollars in real estate to the Russian government.

Boy, am I glad you installed that dashcam, Anna from security!  You’re a real Tawny Kitaen on that hood.

Roger Moore, star of seven James Bond films, has died.  He will be replaced by Daniel Craig.

In comedian Bill Cosby’s high-profile sexual assault case that ended in a mistrial last week, Cosby’s defense team stunned everyone by resting after just six minutes.  The decision shocked even Cosby himself, who told reporters, “I didn’t expect the pills to work that quickly.”

Jerry, there’s no such thing as “My Super Sharia Sweet Sixteen.”

A new study shows that drinking non-dairy instead of dairy milk may stunt children’s growth.  The study is based on the fact that there are zero professional basketball players from Park Slope.

The California state senate recently passed a bill that would give all of the state’s citizens access to public healthcare, as well as 1% of the gross.

Today is the longest (work)day of the year!  Doesn’t the sun just make everything better?  ESPECIALLY being inside.

Tiger Woods says he’s seeking “professional help” after being arrested last month for driving under the influence.  In the process, Woods has coined the greatest euphemism for prostitution in history.

Bloomberg News is reporting that, during the 2016 US election, Russian hackers were able to breach the voting systems of 39 separate states.  Experts worry that attacks could continue into the future, and may even influence who is elected president.

Who wants to join me in the bedroom?  It’s not harassment if it’s a metaphor!

-The Chairman

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