Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/22/17

Helloooooooooo, потенциал национальной безопасности Советники! Я думал, что “МакМастер” был довольно прохладный Кодовое нашей инфильтрации. Он удивительно реалистичное, не так ли? Спасибо, спасибо … Я binged Westworld на прошлой неделе. БИЗНЕС.

White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer and New York’s Anne Frank Center for Mutual Respect recently traded barbs on Twitter following a rash of anti-Semitic incidents around the US.  The latter is reportedly distressed by the former’s intention to create the need for many more such centers in the future.

Canadian conglomerate Restaurant Brands, which owns both Burger King and Tim Hortons, is nearing a deal to acquire fried chicken chain Popeyes.  If the purchase is successful, the company will be responsible for approximately 32% of all heart attacks in North America each year.

Анна из сельского хозяйства, Вы уверены, что знаете, как коллективизировать! О времени кто-то сделал это правильно.

Republicans in Congress have declared their intentions to roll back the Endangered Species Act.  Many expect the decision will backfire in two years, when it will no longer be there to protect them.

The 2017 Eurovision song competition is in jeopardy after 21 members of the Ukrainian organizing team quit following a change of leadership.  Various European countries have since expressed surprise that Vladimir Putin would start his coup with the Eurovision organizing team.

Джерри, Чернобыль не был “ложный флаг”.

Notorious Zimbabwean dictator Robert Mugabe says that Americans should give Donald Trump a chance.  “I didn’t kill 20,000 civilians overnight,” Mugabe said in a recent press conference.  “I worked up to it.”

Breitbart “News” senior editor Milo Yiannopolous has resigned after his past comments condoning pedophilia were uncovered.  Yiannopolous claims his remarks were taken out of context, an excuse experts say won’t work at his next position in hell.

Завтра Национальная оборона Дня Отечества! Помните … нет ничего за его пределами.

Scientists have created, and subsequently destroyed, the first half-human, half-pig embryo, but not before Donald Trump says it voted illegally in the 2016 presidential election.

The United States Tennis Association has formally apologized to Germany for performing the country’s Nazi-era national anthem before a recent Fed Cup match.  “We are deeply, deeply sorry,” USTA spokesperson Matt Griner told members of the German media, “for assuming you were on our side.”

Как мой русский бабушка говорила: «Без науки нет пыток, и мы все здесь для науки».

– председатель

PS- Я извиняюсь за ранее анекдоте Евровидения. Будьте уверены, что я убил гей-цыгана, который отвечает за него. Приветствую.

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Internal Memo for Sunday, 3/27/16

Good Evening,

Let me start by apologizing for the incident with the Easter Bunny we hired for yesterday’s party.  I can assure you we had no idea he was a registered sex offender, or that his costume could do that.

Otherwise, the party was a success!  Business!

A recently released video shows a worker at a Kellogg’s factory in Tennessee urinating on a batch of Rice Krispies Treats cereal.  The company is said to be “furious” that the video leaked, as it showed how the product was given its “snap” and “crackle.”

Pope Francis has joined Instagram, prompting outrage from church officials who believe he already has no filter.

Congratulations to Anna from Inventory on receiving her first communion!  Steve, thanks again for taking advantage of Bring Your Daughter to Work Day two years ago.

A new study shows that many popular brands of chocolate contain unhealthy amounts of heavy metals.  In addition to chocolate, the study found excessive toxins in chicken, water, and American politics.

Speaking of “politics,” a Breitbart reporter has accused Donald Trump’s campaign manager of grabbing and bruising her arm at a rally in Florida.  “Yeah, I did that,” the accused, Corey Lewandowski, told reporters.  “It’s called flirting.”

Jerry, Easter has never been a day of ritual sacrifice.

Actor and philanderer Ben Affleck’s infamous back tattoo of a phoenix is apparently fake.  Surprisingly, his latest film, Batman v Superman, is not.

The LA County Coroner’s Office has not ruled out reopening its six-year-old investigation into Brittany Murphy’s death.  “It appears we may no longer be…” new Chief Coroner David Caruso told reporters while slowly donning a pair of sunglasses, “clueless.”

Please join us in the tenth floor cafeteria this Tuesday night for “Easter?  I hardly know her!”, an evening of standup comedy inspired by sexual miscommunication!  Ages 4 and up, please.

California is raising its minimum wage to $15/hour.  “The more people who think they can make it in this state, the better,” Governor Jerry Brown announced on Friday, “plus, after taxes, it’s more like $3.”

For the first time, an NFL official has acknowledged the link between football and the degenerative brain condition CTE.  “Oh yeah, the evidence is there,” admitted the league’s senior vice president for health, Jeff Miller, “and it’s just another in a long line of compelling storylines that make watching our fair sport great.”

Jesus, we know you’re in there… come out with your hands up!

-The Chairman

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