Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/13/19

Hello Potential Sexual Partners,

As you’ve no doubt sensed, tomorrow is Valentine’s Day! I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that this day is like any other at the office, in that I am the only person powerful enough to make routine, inappropriate advances without fear of repercussions. Even in this climate!

Business!

A 24-year-old Texas man has died after his vape pen exploded in his hand, severing a key artery to his brain. Scientists are calling the tragic accident “a powerful metaphor.”

At an awards event last April, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos revealed his disdain for the term “work-life balance.” “They are actually two entirely separate entities,” Bezos told the crowd, “You work, I live.”

“My candle burns at both ends; but goddamn am I hot.” – Anna from Sales, after St. Vincent Millay

A London man has been fined $1,300 for filming himself having a threesome on the Tube. The fine is equal to about half the tips he made.

Gucci has discontinued sales of one of its sweaters after several Internet observers noted its resemblance to blackface. “To be honest, it hasn’t been a huge hit,” Marketing Director Ryan Barnes said in a statement, “It was really only selling in Virginia.”

Jerry, you are not the quarterbacks coach of the San Diego Fleet.

In a recent interview with CNN, White House advisor Kellyanne Conway claimed she was assaulted in a Maryland restaurant last year while her daughters watched. “If I ever meet the woman who did it,” Conway’s husband George told reporters in the wake of the interview, “I’m gonna shake her hand.”

Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman reportedly told an aide in 2017 that he would use “a bullet” on Jamal Khashoggi, the Washington Post journalist who was brutally murdered by Saudi officials last year. “I’m sorry,” bin Salman said in response to the report, “did I say bone saw?”

It has come to my attention that, in last week’s memo, I confused the prior decisions of Supreme Court justices Neil Gorsuch and Brett Kavanaugh. My apologies! It was an easy mistake, as both are straight white men who have never committed sexual assault.

The United States Justice Department filed criminal charges last month against Chinese technology giant Huawei amidst allegations of intellectual property theft and fraud. “We were hoping not to have to do this immediately,” Acting Attorney General Matthew Whitaker said at a press conference, “but then we thought, Huaweit?”

While visiting a Georgia congressman this week, members of a federal worker’s union discovered a book about Robert E. Lee on display, opened to a page that asserted black people were “better off” enslaved in America than free in Africa. “That’s a great book,” Republican Representative Drew Ferguson told reporters after the incident, “and they should be glad we didn’t have it opened to a different page.”

Remember: don’t be Cupid, be cupidinous!

-The Chairman

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KavaYES – Wednesday, 9/19/18

OH.

MY.

FRIENDS.

WAIT.

YOU’RE NOT MY FRIENDS.

YOU.

ARE MY EMPLOYEES.

AND I.

LOVE.

AND BY LOVE I MEAN TOLERATE.

YOU.

You know that song? “It’s been a cruel, cruel summer”? Well never was that song more true than right here in the year of our lord 2018. Not for me, of course – I made a record $296 million in total compensation along the length and breadth of all my companies – but for my dear, dear friend, and your friend too…

… the honorable justice Brett Kavanaugh.

Now wait, wait, wait – before you all jump down my throat for being “anti-choice” or “misogynistic” or “a fuccboi,” hear me out.

Brett Kavanaugh sucks.

He does! He sucks! I’ve known the guy since we were in diapers and he always be tryin to rape!  I mean, his name is Brett for god’s sake. Is there a name that more loudly screams STRAIGHT WHITE DOUCHE than BRETT???!?!!!

But here, gentle weaklings, is where you and I differ. Greatly. And not just monetarily. Here is where I – educated, landowning kingmaker – and you – impotent, necessarily stupid vassal – prove why I have risen to my lofty station and the highlight of your week is masturbating to the voice of Jon Lovett.

I know who Brett Kavanaugh is. I know what he allegedly* did. And guess what?

I love it.

That’s right. Not the act itself, mind you- I find that reprehensible, I’ve donated to several prominent charities, I’ve listened to Kanye’s song about his daughter, blah blah blah. But the intention? Oh, the sweet, sweet intention…

Presuming you’ve made it this far, and thus can read, I urge you to Google “The Supreme Court.” Keep scrolling, past the pages and pages of material on the homonymous German electro-industrial band, and you’ll find a little-known American judicial institution that’s been home to notorious racistsanti-Semites and, worst of all, straight white men.

Now that you’re back from rage-puking all of your quinoa, click on any old story concerning The Nation’s Highest Court©. I guarantee that, no matter which you choose, you’ll find something you don’t want to see: the law. As Jack Nicholson would say, “You can’t handle the law**!” That’s because the law hurts. The law is evil. And the law doesn’t care if you’re gay or straight, black or white, gay or straight or black or white. All it knows is how to make itself heard. And the way it makes itself heard… is by swingin its dick.

What I’m trying to say, and what is the Chekhovian subtext of any article about the Supreme Court, is that it’s a veritable cadre of big ole dick swingers. Samuel Alito? Dick swinger. Ruth Bader Ginsburg? Dick swinger. Clarence Thomas? Literal dick swinger. In fact, the only historical exception was John Paul Stevens. May he, and his bowtie, rest in peace.

Say, hypothetically, you were allowed to address me directly without being fired. I know, I know, it’s a stretch, but bear with me. In this unrealistic scenario, let’s say you even more unrealistically dared to ask me a personal question. And let’s say that question was, “What do you look for in a Supreme Court Justice?”

I would respond as any red-blooded, Jordan Peterson-reading American and/or Canadian would: “I look for an attempted rapist.”

Face it: The act of deciding on the constitutionality (or lack thereof) of certain laws necessitates a certain je ne sais quois***. It requires a certain sense of “Fuck it, I know what’s best, not only for me but for other people, be they fellow US citizens or prudish teenage girls who need to just lighten up and fuck me already.”

You think Sonia Sotomayor doesn’t have skeletons in her closet? Aside from very probably being an illegal immigrant (hello – “Sotomayor”????), I have it on good authority she once entered the body of a Catholic priest and violated several young boys. And then did it again, and again, and again, resulting in the crisis we are dealing with now. Absolutely disgusting. But is anybody reporting it? Only our generation’s Cronkite, and he just got banned from Twitter.

My (very obvious) point in all this is, if you wanna rescind a few laws regarding reproductive freedom, you’ve gotta break a few eggs. Uterine eggs. The kind of eggs that were (and are) only good for birthing upright, morally unterpitudinous, thoroughly masculine men like Brett Kavanaugh. And Les Moonves. And Kevin Spacey. Except not Kevin Spacey cause he’s gay, and ew.

And so, my various and sundry debt-bound servants, I urge you to follow your heart, to follow your dick, and to get out there and vote for Brett Kavanaugh for the next royal justice of God’s own Supreme Court.

Oh wait- you already did.

… nice.

-The Chairman

*I don’t know. I wasn’t there. I left that party early to fuck. Consensually. I told you, I’ve known the guy since we were in diapers ( ~ 2 years before his first attempted rape).

** truth

*** French for “disregard of rape.”

PS- The memo returns next week.

… or does it?

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