Internal Memo for Wednesday, 6/20/18

Hello,

I would like to use today’s correspondence to strike a serious tone by bringing your attention to the grave, ongoing situation on our southern border.

Mexico defeated Germany, while the US failed to qualify for the World Cup.

We are all complicit.

BUSINESS.

Donald Trump has directed the Department of Defense to establish a sixth branch of the military focused entirely on space. Trump has said that such a “space force” was a longtime dream of his father’s, along with a better son.

In the hopes of winning this year’s World Cup, the French national team is monitoring the temperature of players’ drinking water. Their diets of chocolate croissants and lard remain unchanged.

Keep on pumpin’, Anna from Lactation! It’s like Niagara Falls in there!!

Lord Ivar Mountbatten, Queen Elizabeth II’s cousin and the first openly gay British royal, will wed fiancé James Coyle this summer. The royal family is said to be looking forward to the wedding, hoping that it will distract from “the black one.”

In other royal news, Pippa Middleton, sister of Duchess of Cambridge Kate Middleton, is expecting her first child. Kate’s children are reportedly “very excited” to finally have a cousin to whom they can feel superior.

Jerry, please stop asking people why they’re Catholic.

A US Border Patrol agent shot and killed a man attempting to enter the United States from Mexico last month. The agent has since defended his actions by saying, “Nobody should have to live in a country where I can do something like that.”

Center Dwight Howard has been traded to the Brooklyn Nets. Howard immediately joins the borough’s long list of ridiculously overpriced, unusually tall, and surprisingly useless developments.

Don’t forget: Join us this Sunday in Conference Room CC for our 20thanniversary screening of Deep Impact! It’s the movie that predicted Obama!!

A flight to Ibiza was grounded last week after a passenger created a disturbance with a blow up doll. Crewmembers reportedly asked the man to stow the doll in an overhead bin for takeoff, at which point the man screamed “YOU’LL KILL HER” and started fucking it.

The Supreme Court has ruled in favor of a Colorado baker who refused to make a wedding cake for a gay couple on religious grounds. The couple was said to be devastated, as they really wanted a homophobic baker.

Separating children from their parents is one thing.

But separating Americans from their soccer?????????????

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Thursday, 10/19/17

Goooooooooood Morning,

Oh my god, can you peons believe we’re still alive??  Neither can I.  We’ve had some close calls since I last sent you all a company update, including a “declaration of war” and a “solar eclipse.”  Not only am I tired of all the winning, I’m tired of living at all!  But we must soldier on, for as Emily Bronte once said, “Heathcliff was a swarthy mariner.”

BUSINESS.

New research suggests the “supervolcano” under Yellowstone National Park could erupt sooner than expected, plunging the world into a volcanic winter.  Experts say the development is a symbol of America’s unerring determination to end the world, one way or another.

CNBC’s annual study of the “Top States for Business” has named Mississippi America’s cheapest state to live in.  Mississippi did not appear on the titular list of “Top States for Business,” as it has none.

Do yourselves a favor, everyone, and check out Anna the intern’s new webseries, “I Wish I Could Take That Back!”  It is an hilarious peek into the lives of millennial transgenders in Brooklyn!

Hackers have reportedly spent the last several months stealing personal information, including credit card numbers, from guests at Trump hotels.  Unfortunately for them, all of the guests’ assets have already been frozen.

US Olympic gold medal sprinter Gil Roberts, who claims he tested positive for a banned substance because he kissed his girlfriend too much, has had his recent suspension overturned by an arbitrator.  The arbitrator wrote that he found himself in a similar situation once, also with Roberts’ girlfriend.

Jerry, the untimely death of Bob from Sales did not “throw our budget out of whack.”

New evidence suggests that Russian hackers used popular mobile app Pokemon Go to influence US voters during the 2016 election.  Investigators say those same hackers helped to craft the game’s new slogan, “Gotta catch ’em alt-right!”

Actors Michael Fassbender and Alicia Vikander were married this week in a small ceremony in Ibiza.  I just came.

Join us in Conference Room J this Tuesday for “Weird Al: In Conversation.”  Our special guest this week is former Secretary of Education Arne Duncan!  As always, it’ll be All Weird Al, All The Time.

A gold replica of the 1969 lunar module was recently stolen from the Neil Armstrong Museum in Wapakoneta, OH.  In its place was a note that read: “It’s in the Buzz Aldrin Museum now, bitches.”

The parents of several women associated with R&B star R. Kelly have come forward to say that their daughters are being held by the singer in a sort of sex cult.  Kelly has denied the claims, insisting that the women are all far too old for him.

Heathcliff, she cried, belly weary from the forlorn markings on the derry, please don’t go.

But I must, said Heathcliff, slowly, as if atwitter with the lorry of truth in his own breast.  And so must you.

And so, filled with love and milkweed eternal, he pushed.  Wailing, she fell to her death from the high, high moor.

Fin.”

-Emily Bronte (as told to Charlotte Bronte (as translated by The Chairman))

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Internal Memo for Friday, 9/9/16

Smell that?

The grass, the cleats, the America

Oh, yes… it’s football season.

So grab a girl, lock the bathroom door, and get ready for the most exciting game of all…

BUSINESS.

North Korea claims to have completed its fifth nuclear weapons test Friday morning, the country’s largest yet.  Experts say the powerful warning to the international community was designed to coincide with the annual release of Starbucks’ Pumpkin Spice Latte.

An Australian school has apologized after awarding one of its students a “best-dressed” prize for his Adolf Hitler costume.  The school has declined to comment on the boy’s subsequent award-winning science project.

Great job last night, Anna from the infirmary!  It’s hard to figure out when to examine an NFL player for a concussion, and you exercised appropriate restraint.

Hickeys and wasps are two of the stranger things now known by doctors to cause strokes.  So far this year, hickeys by WASPs have resulted in 15 fatalities in Greenwich, CT alone.

A Canadian man was recently barred from entering the US after admitting he had smoked marijuana in the past.  The man claims he was unfairly profiled, as he is Canadian and thus forbidden to lie.

No, Jerry, you may not request that your quarterly reports be published posthumously.

More than 3 million honeybees are dead after officials in South Carolina utilized aerial insecticide spraying to combat the Zika virus.  “Three million?” South Carolina’s Republican governor Nikki Haley said after hearing the news.  “I told you they weren’t going extinct.”

Chicago’s Lincoln Park Zoo has named its newest baby camel “Alexander Camelton.”  The newborn has already written 51 of the zoo’s wildly popular “Fodderalist Papers,” while the other animals still can’t read.

As summer winds down, don’t forget to get some sun!  We’ve installed grow lights on floors 1-3 to compensate for the lack of windows.

Police officers chasing a Brooklyn robbery suspect Thursday came upon several 8-foot tall marijuana plants in an East New York apartment building.  The officers then seized the plants, indefinitely postponing the release of the much anticipated film Cheech & Chong’s Little Shop of Horrors.

Star Wars: Episode VIII is set to be released in May of 2017.  The script is not yet finished, but Star Wars rights holder Disney is already calling the film, “By far the greatest toy commercial in history.”

Man… nothin like tossin that pigskin.  Isn’t that right, new company spokesperson Peyton Manning?  He’ll endorse anything.

-The Chairman

PS- Miss a recent memo?  SHAME ON YOU.

Catch up here or here.

NOW.

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