Internal Memo for Wednesday, 11/7/18

It’s Election Day in America! Don’t fall for the fake news- all of those people posting about voting yesterday were PAID CRISIS ACTORS. TODAY is the day to make your voice heard.

Polls are open from 7-8 AM.

ELECTORAL BUSINESS.

A new study shows that, in addition to preventing disease, the immune system plays a pivotal role in healthy organ function. Scientists say fuckin duh.

A Michigan bar offered free orders of “Crack Fries” to voters on Election Day. The owners of Detroit’s HopCat brewpub said they no longer felt comfortable reviving the 2016 version of the promotion, which featured free Oxy Burgers.

Anna from HR, are you Florida’s Amendment 9? Cause you make me wanna ban both offshore drilling AND vaping in the workplace.

For a limited time, adult entertainment company Pornhub is offering free leaf removal services in Duchess County, New York. A spokesperson for the company said the county led the nation last year in searches for “Clean Lawn Anal.”

A group of Buffalo Bills fans has started a GoFundMe page for struggling quarterback Nathan Peterman to convince him to retire. In response, the National Football League has started a similar page for quarterback Colin Kaepernick.

Jerry, we all know 538.

Campbell’s Soup has distanced itself from comments made by one of its lobbyists implicating philanthropist George Soros in orchestrating the “migrant caravan” approaching the United States border. “We like to think of each of our employees as a different flavor of Campbell’s Soup,” CEO Keith McLoughlin said in a statement, “and this man is split pea.”

The Justice Department is reportedly investigating Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke for using his office for personal gain, a decision that could pave the way for Donald Trump to continue to do so.

In honor of Michigan legalizing recreational marijuana, we’ve instituted companywide drug tests! Get yours tomorrow in Conference Room B!

Amazon is reportedly finalizing a deal to split its second headquarters into two locations: Queens, New York, and Crystal City, Virginia. Experts say the company chose Crystal City for its proximity to The Pentagon, allowing for easy access to drones.

A Dutch artist has begun making soap from liposuctioned fat. The bars will range in price from $20 to $250, depending on which Kardashian.

Why is it that we “run” for office but “skip” to my Lou?

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 8/17/16

Morning, eggheads.  This is your brain on drugs- business drugs.

A new study suggests that millennials are having less sex than the previous generation.  Their reasons for abstention include STDs, the economy, and other millennials.

Drug kingpin Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman’s son has been kidnapped from a restaurant in the trendy resort town of Puerto Vallarta, in what Mexican authorities are calling a “Monday.”

Wow, Anna from Marketing- Minnie Driver?  I didn’t know she liked women.

Justin Bieber has quit Instagram.  Sadly, just Instagram.

E! reality show “I Am Cait” has been cancelled after two seasons.  Apparently the network had reservations about the first episode of the third season, tentatively titled “North Carolina.”

Jerry, American involvement in World War II did not constitute a “land grab.”

Brendan Dassey, one of the subjects of the Netflix true crime series Making a Murderer, has had his conviction overturned by a federal judge.  In related news, Netflix is making a documentary showing that HBO is, in fact, illegal.

A recent inspection at an upstate New York nuclear plant revealed a “minor” radiation leak that has gone unfixed for at least four years.  That makes it the second longest-running man-made disaster in the area, after the Buffalo Bills.

This week we’ll be celebrating our proud partnership with one of our sister companies, Indigo Tajikistan.  They’ve recently stopped using slave labor!

A red panda that escaped from a Chinese zoo eight months ago has been recovered from a tree near the facility.  Shortly before its capture, the animal reportedly told associates that it was going back to do “one last job.”

Berlin, Europe’s rapidly growing capital of veganism, is now home to a reported 80,000 vegans.  “Careful,” the city’s mayor Michael Müller recently said in a statement, “this is how the Nazis started.”

Rachel Leigh Cook… she really was “all that.”

-The Chairman

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