Internal Memo for Wednesday, 1/31/18

My Fellow Gerrymanderers,

I have heard your calls – on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Slack, Reddit, The Daily Caller, The Daily Stormer, Buzzfeed, etc. – and so it is with great pleasure (and no hesitation whatsoever about its impact on national security) that I will finally…

#RELEASETHEMEMO

#BUSINESS

Legendary French chef Paul Bocuse has died.  He will be served sous-vide with a shallot beurre blanc and candied parsnips.

Later this year, Disneyland will unveil its first-ever brewery.  To discourage underage drinking, the establishment will have a strict height requirement.

Congratulations, Anna from Customer Service, on getting a shoutout during last night’s speech!  I didn’t know you singlehandedly killed all of MS-13!

In a related story, a typo on tickets to last night’s event invited guests to the “State of the Uniom.”  The invite was apparently supposed to read “State of the Unisom,” CAUSE THAT WAS BORING AS HELL AM I RIGHT??!

Tonight, Wednesday, January 31st, will feature a rare astronomical phenomenon: a super blue blood moon.  Beginning at approximately 5 PM GMT, spectators from Australia to Russia will be able to look to the skies and see a large holographic projection of Tom Selleck’s mustache.

Jerry, we will not be holding our offsite at the Wynn.

LPGA golfer Suzann Pettersen told a Norwegian newspaper that she often plays golf with Donald Trump, and that he “cheats like hell.”  She later added, “And also at golf.”

Ingvar Kamprad, founder of Swedish furniture giant IKEA, passed away Sunday at the age of 91.  “Congratulations, Ingvar,” his family said in a statement.  “Somehow, you made it through the entire store of life.”

BREAKING NEWS: Amazon has named our “Montgomery County” office one of 20 finalists for its second corporate headquarters!  I’m not sure where it is either, but they can have it!

The emergency management worker responsible for a false ballistic missile alarm in Hawaii earlier this month has been fired.  THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

In a recently unearthed 2016 interview, current EPA head Scott Pruitt said Donald Trump, if elected president, would be “more abusive to the Constitution” than Barack Obama.  “What I meant by that is,” Pruitt said Tuesday, “Barack Obama is a Muslim.”

#RELEASETHEHOUNDS.

Let’s make that a thing.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 11/8/17

Happy Day-After-Election-Day!  Or, as I like to call it, The Purge.  LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR.

Two complete strangers have been arrested for performing a sex act on a Delta flight to Detroit, proving once again that nothing turns people on like Detroit.

Billionaire investor and Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban thinks that creative thinking will be the most in-demand job skill in 10 years.  “By then, we’ll have had two terms of Trump,” Cuban told the audience at a recent conference.  “Many of our most creative thinkers will have died in the gulags.”

Congratulations to Anna from Accounts Receivable on your new position as city comptroller!  Those targeted Facebook ads really worked- especially the one with you and Mary Magdalene in a thumb war!

After actor Anthony Rapp came forward last month to accuse Kevin Spacey of making a sexual advance on him when he was only 14, several more men have accused Spacey of inappropriate sexual conduct.  Spacey, however, says it couldn’t have been him, because he walks with a limp.

In related news, comedian Andy Dick has been fired from his latest film for sexual harassment.  The surprising move comes mere weeks after Dick was hired for sexual harassment.

Jerry, you were not… wait, you were elected governor of New Jersey?

Three UCLA men’s basketball players have been arrested in China on suspicion of stealing in advance of their season-opening game in Shanghai.  Chinese authorities have also accused the players of traveling, shooting, and charging.

In a recent interview, Kim Cattrall told Piers Morgan that she and her Sex and the City co-stars “have never been friends,” making her such a Miranda.

Speaking of elections, run for office council!  It’s a thing I just came up with to boost morale without substantive change!

A pop-up café in Australia is hiring a professional avocado taste tester.  Buzzfeed has rated the position number 3 on its list of “Best Jobs for Millennials”, behind only craft beer cicerone and none.

Walmart has apologized after a third-party listing on its website used a racial slur in the name of a product.  “We would also like to apologize for any harm we may have caused,” Ritz spokesman Daniel Abernathy said.  “From now on, they’re ‘biscuits.’”

Say it with me: ONE DOLLAR, ONE VOTE.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Monday, 2/22/16

At ease, loyal serfs.

It has come to my attention that we’ve hired some new blood here at the company, and I for one would like to say: washaatke!  For the uninitiated, that’s “welcome” in Balochi, a language spoken only in a small and very secretive province of Iran.  Many of our new hires hail from this region, as they will work for cheap and have expertise in one increasingly important area: weaponizing nuclear materials.  Business!

English scientists have developed a new technique that allows massive amounts of data to be stored in small quartz discs for up to 14 billion years.  “We’re humbled, really,” said lead researcher Donald Fezziwick, “that we’ve finally been able to perfect the grand English tradition of keeping everything inside forever.”

Russia is considering repurposing some of its Cold War missile arsenal in order to destroy asteroids headed for Earth.  Russian President Vladimir Putin said he got the idea from the film Armageddon, which arrives in Russian theaters this fall.

Anna from HR, was that you at the Grammys?  “The Weeknd” is a weird stage name, but congratulations!  Love the new ‘do.

A van filled with $350,000 worth of rare books was stolen last week in Oakland.  The van was returned some three hours later after the thief discovered books of any kind have no value in Oakland.

Starting next month, the Chinese government will ban all foreign media companies from publishing material of an “informational and thoughtful nature” online without state approval.  Buzzfeed’s operations will remain unaffected.

No, Jerry, Omarosa should not run for president.

Scientists believe that North Korean nuclear testing could cause the country’s largest volcano, Mount Paekdu, to erupt.  Those same scientists estimate that such an eruption would leave the country better off than it is now.

A Waffle House waitress in Georgia has been arrested and charged with spiking a coworker’s drink with meth.  The accused, Sonserea Dawn Evans, claims she misunderstood her coworker’s request for a “chunked” Diet Coke.

Free donuts in conference room 3B!

A Utah bar owner has apologized after one of his employees refused service to two men because they were Polynesian.  “In my bartender’s defense,” said Jeremy Cloyd, owner of Willie’s Lounge in Salt Lake City, “they were Polynesian.”

Harper Lee, the iconic and reclusive author behind the classic American novel To Kill a Mockingbird, passed away Friday at the age of 89.  Moments after her expiration, publisher HarperCollins released several thousand limited edition, hand-signed copies of Lee’s last words, “Don’t ever publish these.”

UPDATE: The donuts are gone.

-The Chairman

PS- Now that these memos are, as the kids say, “back in effect,” I’m going against my dictatorial nature and taking suggestions as to what day of the week they should be sent to the masses.  Please email chairofthebored@gmail.com with your thoughts.  But don’t spam me, unless you crave the sweet release of death!

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