Internal Memo for Thursday, 5/16/19

Good afternoon defense contractors,

Apologies for the delay in sending this week’s memo- we were busy diversifying our portfolio in anticipation of the forthcoming hostilities. We’ve already made a major investment in what is sure to be the hottest commodity to come out of a full-blown US-Iran conflict: Argo 2!

Business!

Britney Spears’ manager says she may never return to her Las Vegas residency, or to any sort of performance. He has released a video urging the public to leave his client alone.

Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers made a cameo appearance in last Sunday’s installment of Game of Thrones. Fans were disappointed he didn’t audible out of the show’s script.

Anna from our Moldovan office, good luck in the Eurovision Semifinal tonight! I promise to “Stay” with you all night long 😉

The House Ways & Means Committee has issued subpoenas to Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin and IRS Commissioner Charles Rettig, instructing them to hand over Donald Trump’s tax returns by this Friday at the latest. Mnuchin and Rettig say they have already delivered the documents to the committee in an inconspicuous can labeled “MIXED NUTS.”

The US State Department has ordered all nonemergency personnel out of Iraq. The move takes the number of diplomats in the country from zero to zero.

Jerry, you are not Andrew Yang’s running mate.

According to the Social Security Administration, 11 children named “Cersei” were born in the United States in 2017. There was also one named “Harry Strickland,” but he quickly died.

In related news, three people were shot dead with a crossbow this week in Passau, Germany. The city has closed all bathrooms until further notice.

Congratulations to everyone who performed in our companywide talent show last night! Jasmine from IT, I didn’t know you could fit that many knives into your left nostril! Way to use that coke habit.

Andrew Munday, a British accountant who stole over $3 million from singer Rita Ora and other high-profile clients, has been sentenced to six years in prison. Munday is said to be seeking extradition to the United States, where Goldman Sachs has offered him the position of CFO.

The price of a single Bitcoin has climbed back up over $7,000, its highest mark this year. Experts predict it will reach $1 trillion by August.

Really looking forward to Gone with the Wind 2. That sequel is WAY overdue.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 5/1/19

Happy International Labor Day, laborers! Periodic reminder: This is a “right to work” business, meaning you are right to work and wrong not to! If you strike today (or any other day, for that matter), there is a clause in your contract that entitles me to half of everything you own! We’re basically married, and infidelity, as any Real Housewife will tell you, can be veeeeeeeery costly…

Business!

Joe Biden has officially announced his candidacy for president. The move has been hailed as “visionary” by Joe Biden.

Both of the top seeds in this year’s NHL playoffs, the Calgary Flames and the Tampa Bay Lightning, lost in the first round. The results came as a shock to many who thought the NHL was defunct.

Anna from Development, who’d’ve thought you’d be the Helen of Troy of Venezuela?

In further Anna news, Anna Sorokin, a.k.a. Anna Delvey, has been found guilty of second-degree grand larceny after posing as an heiress and scamming various friends and financial entities out of $275,000. Sorokin has asked for a delayed sentence so that she can at least meet the scamming threshold to someday become president.

According to a recent study, sleep deprivation can lead to smaller testicle size. In related news, researchers believe they’ve finally discovered why bears hibernate.

Jerry, you are not the new emperor of Japan.

3M is cutting 2,000 jobs worldwide. The company cited the uncertain future of Scotch tape post-Brexit.

Donald Trump has proposed instituting a fee for seeking asylum in the United States. Payment can be made by check or via Deutsche Bank Quickpay.

Starting today, our new healthcare provider is Costa Rica! Our relationship with Aetna has ended, so going forward please visit Trevor in Basement Suite D to book any necessary (or voluntary!) medical travel.

A measles outbreak has led to quarantines on the campuses of both UCLA and California State University, Los Angeles. The virus had plans to get into USC as well before it was revealed never to have actually played soccer.

Indonesia will reportedly move its capital from Jakarta because the city is slowly sinking. American conservatives have called the report another example of the left spreading egregious lies about climate change by making up a city called “Jakarta.”

… I think we should start seeing other people.

Cheaper people. In other countries. With less regulation and more lenient tax structures.

I’m just tired of supporting you financially.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/28/18

It’s the last day of February! As is customary on all non-leap years, the office will remain open this evening through March 2nd, and everyone is expected to stay both nights to make up for lost productivity. I don’t make the rules!

Oh wait, yes I do. BUSINESS.

While speaking about the recent school shooting in Parkland, Florida this past Monday, Donald Trump told reporters, “I really believe I’d run in there, even if I didn’t have a weapon.” “I’d be fine,” he added, “nobody would ever shoot a president.”

A Cornell food scientist is under fire for reportedly manipulating data in a number of prominent experiments. Experts became suspicious when such an esteemed scientist was working at Cornell.

Congratulations, Anna from Sales, on finally becoming Mama John! He was bound to settle down eventually.

860 pounds of cocaine have been found at the Russian Embassy in Buenos Aires, Argentina. The drugs are thought to be part of a coordinated under the influence campaign.

In further Russia news, a group of “transhumanists” in the country is charging $36,000 to freeze a person’s body in anticipation of a war- and disease-free future. Such bodies are thought to make up about 1% of Russia’s frozen assets.

Jerry, please stop referring to Chloe Kim as “a Korean sleeper agent.”

A photographer caught White House advisor Stephen Miller napping this week in the middle of a meeting about school safety. When asked afterwards what he dreamt about, Miller responded quietly, “My master.”

A Slovak investigative journalist working to uncover corruption amongst his country’s businesses has been murdered, along with his fiancée. “I’m surprised,” Vladimir Putin said when informed of the incident, “I had nothing to do with this one.”

Picture yourself in a boat on a river,

With tangerine trees,

And marmalade skies…

That’s right, it’s time for another “Managing Stress at Work” workshop with Susan from HR! This Thursday: LSD.

Following the recently concluded PyeongChang Olympics, North Korea is reportedly open to engaging in talks with the United States. “That Adam Rippon,” DPRK leader Kim Jong Un said in a statement, “he’d make me open to anything.”

Amnesty International has named Donald Trump a human rights violator. “Sick, bro,” 24-year-old Nick Verduzzi of South Orange, New Jersey said of the news. “Pussy is a human right.”

Before you know it, it’ll be February 29th… of 2020!

 

And Donald Trump will still be president.

-The Chairman

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