Hello Comrades In Arms/Sympathizers With My Plight,
I would like to announce that, effective immediately, I am resigning from the position of memo writer, which I created several years ago. The climate I have fostered is anti-intellectual and toxic towards myself and everyone else who writes the memo, many of whom hold my same views because they are also me. This has not been an easy decision, and signals major issues in the future not only for me and the company, but for the whole of American Democracy. At best, what we can expect from a world where I were to continue writing weekly memos is mediocrity, and at worst is gulags. Thus, I must hold myself accountable for the actions of others, including myself, and resign immediately. Thank you for your support, and for allowing me to continue to write elsewhere in the future for money provided not by people who dislike me, such as myself, but those who adore me, whom I am certain are out there and were just waiting for this resignation to make their feelings known.
So, for the last time… business.
In announcing his short-lived presidential bid last week, autotune pioneer Kanye West tipped self-appointed “biblical life coach” Michelle Tidball to be his running mate. Tidball, who believes that doing chores can cure mental illness, is also known by her stage name, “Kanye West.”
All-white country group Lady Antebellum, which last month announced its intention to change its name to “Lady A,” is now suing a Black blues singer who currently goes by that name. “Our name was Lady Antebellum for a reason,” band member Hillary Scott said in a recent interview, “and our war has finally come.”
Anna from R&D, your vaccine research looks very promising! When it’s ready, I’d like to stick it into your butt.
Blake Neff, a writer for the Fox News show “Tucker Carlson Tonight,” has resigned after he was revealed to have anonymously written numerous racist and sexist posts on an online forum. Tucker Carlson has since vowed he will never again hire a writer who conceals his identity online.
Florida reported over 15,000 new cases of COVID-19 on Sunday, the highest single day total for any state since the beginning of the pandemic. The increase was attributed to a single, mysterious “Florida man.”
Happy Birthday, Jerry. You are not “a survivor of ageism.”
This week, a former Trump cabinet member told The New York Times that the erstwhile reality show host inquired about “selling” the island of Puerto Rico in the aftermath of Hurricane Maria in 2017. Trump reportedly speculated that the island could be “used as leverage to get Hawaii from the Japanese.”
Gary Larson, creator of popular cartoon “The Far Side,” has released his first new work in 25 years. The new cartoon, which is being hailed as “visionary,” depicts two sheep in a field with the caption, “Man, Hal, 2020 is baaaaaad.”
I have heard your calls, and I would like to formally announce that, as of today, we will no longer advertise on Facebook. Instead, we have shifted our marketing strategy entirely to Minecraft, Roblox, and other children’s games, through which the possibility for staggeringly large unilateral purchases by minors using their parents’ credit cards is virtually limitless.
Japanese minimalist housewares brand Muji has filed for bankruptcy. The company has requested that the judge appointed to supervise the proceedings be Marie Kondo.
Filings show that the Catholic Church may have received over $3.5 billion in taxpayer-funded small business aid related to the coronavirus pandemic. The church has released a statement thanking all Americans for their involuntary contributions, adding, “Most of you are still going to hell.”
It has come to my attention that, should I resign, Israel will have no defenders left in the world of writing. Thus, I retract my prior resignation, effective immediately. I would like to thank myself for giving myself back my prior position, though it could not have been filled by anyone else, as I am the way and the truth and the life.
Thank you for your time, attention, attention, and more attention.