Internal Memo for Wednesday, 6/12/19

Hello Rich White Theatergoers,

Whoops, that’s redundant.

Who watched the Tonys on Sunday?! Those musical numbers were even more electrifying on TV… and that is sad.

BUSINESS.

Bradley Cooper has broken up with girlfriend Irina Shayk, just four months after his A Star Is Born co-star Lady Gaga broke off her engagement to Christian Carino. The two are reportedly looking for a piano.

As her mother awaits sentencing in the Operation Varsity Blues college admissions scandal, the daughter of Felicity Huffman and William H. Macy has graduated from high school. In lieu of gifts, she has asked that friends and family fuck off and die.

Anna from Legal, good luck defending Comcast against claims of racial discrimination in front of the Supreme Court! You always did like a challenge.

Justin Bieber tweeted Sunday that he would like to fight Tom Cruise “in the octagon.” Cruise responded that Bieber should stop talking before he ended up like the last person who wanted to fight him, Shelly Miscavige.

The Illinois state legislature has officially approved the use of recreational marijuana by adults in the state. Donald Trump has responded by sending National Guard troops to Chicago.

Jerry, you did not survive Chernobyl.

An estimated 1.03 million protesters flooded the streets of Hong Kong Sunday to oppose a proposed law that would allow the local government to extradite fugitives to places such as mainland China and Macau. “We are very angry,” one protestor told the South China Morning Post, “that nobody realizes this is a gay pride parade.”

An English woman has been arrested after she punctured the famous “baby Trump” balloon flown by protesters to mark the businessman’s recent visit to the UK. “Yes! Yes! I stabbed baby Trump!” the woman was heard shouting as police led her away, “And I didn’t have to go back in time to do it!”

Have you ever dreamed of working for a Fortune 500 company? Well work harder! We didn’t qualify yet again.

A series of photos appearing to depict a pregnant Marilyn Monroe are being sold for $90,000. Monroe’s estate has disputed the authenticity of the photos, which also show John F. Kennedy pointing at the actress’ belly and mouthing “That’s mine.”

Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin has announced that, due to security concerns, the redesign of the $20 bill featuring Harriet Tubman will be delayed until 2028. “This design must be implemented correctly, as it would be much easier to counterfeit,” Mnuchin said in a statement, “because all black people look the same.”

Hadestown… that’s the sequel to On The Town, right?

Oh, who gives a fuck.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 1/30/19

Hello, fellow rightful leaders of Venezuela! It’s like a real-life Game of Thrones, but with less sex and food.

Business!

Embattled Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro last week gave American diplomats 72 hours to leave the country after Donald Trump recognized opposition leader Juan Guaido as Venezuela’s lawful president. The Trump administration responded with a statement reading, “What’s a diplomat?”

In response to the high price of Super Bowl commercials, Mars, Inc. will stage a fully realized, 30-minute Broadway musical about Skittles starring Michael C. Hall on Sunday, February 3rdNew York Times theater critic Ben Brantley has hailed the show as “the perfect marriage of Hamilton and Yellow No. 5.”

Anna from HR, shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? Yes, in that you’re both hot!

A new report in the Irish Medical Journal details how a Dublin man attempted to cure his chronic back pain by injecting himself with his own semen every month for 18 months. When asked how he produced so much semen, he replied, “Why do you think I have a bad back?”

Officials in parts of the American Midwest where wind chill temperatures reached -60 degrees this week have warned of the potential for almost instant frostbite upon going outside. As a response, Donald Trump has ordered National Guard troops to Chicago.

Jerry, you are not seeking the Democratic nomination for president.

The White House has announced that a second summit between Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un will occur in February. Trump has said now is a good time to reach out to adversaries like Kim, because “relations with all our allies are going so well.”

Billionaire hedge fund manager Ken Griffin has bought a penthouse apartment in New York City for $238 million, the most ever paid for an American home. Just 7 years ago, Griffin told the Chicago Tribune “I think there are a lot of things about ’08 that are worth discussing. Every time there’s been a bubble in asset prices, people get hurt. I think it’s very unfortunate that as a culture we were so encouraged by both the past stability of home prices and a litany of government programs to buy homes, to view them as a safe place to put a significant amount of our net worth, so that as a society we pushed home prices way above where they should have been. When that bubble burst, a lot of people got hurt.”

This Sunday, come watch the Super Bowl in Conference Room XX! When Alex Guerrero wins, we all win.

Parts of Rent, Jonathan Larson’s seminal 1996 musical that was performed live (sort of) last Sunday on FOX, may have been plagiarized from a 1990 novel by lesbian writer Sarah Schulman called “People in Trouble.” If true, it would mark the only known instance of appropriation of any aspect of gay culture by any straight person ever.

Singer Ariana Grande recently tried to get a tattoo of the Japanese characters representing the name of her new song “7 Rings,” but instead got a tattoo of characters meaning “barbeque grill.” Grande has since defended her decision by saying, “To be fair, I didn’t know what I was getting with Pete, either.”

Venezuela should just build a wall. THEY WORK.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 3/8/17

Good Morning,

Despite the fact that my email should not be widely available (*cough* HR *cough cough*), a number of you have asked me how the GOP’s plan to “repeal and replace” Obamacare will affect your health insurance.  The short answer: It won’t.*  If you like your doctor, you get to keep your doctor.  You may not get to keep your job, but you’ll get to keep your doctor.  All doctors can be seen for a price, right?  Listen, I don’t make the rules- I’m not even really sure how this works.  Like President Trump said: nobody knew how complicated health care could beNobody.  Now get back to work, and for the love of god DON’T GET SICK.  It’s not rocket science.

Business!

Speaking at the recent Conservative Political Action Conference, NRA head Wayne LaPierre said that left-leaning protestors around the country are being paid $1,500 a week and are dangerous.  In related news, psychologists around the country have updated the sections of their textbooks concerning “projection.”

Later this year, Germany is set to introduce a zero-emissions train powered entirely by hydrogen.  “Finally,” Chancellor Angela Merkel said at a recent press conference, “Germans can have some good associations with trains.”

Enjoy your day off, Anna from IT!  And thank you- every day here was a day without a woman til you sued your way into a job.

A Washington, D.C. art installation featuring a roomful of glowing pumpkins was damaged last week when a visitor tried to take a selfie.  Due to its location and the subject of the installation involved, the incident is being called “the perfect metaphor.”

A judge last week called a meeting with French far-right presidential candidate Marine Le Pen over allegations that she misappropriated funds from the European Union.  Le Pen has since questioned the white, French, female judge’s ability to be impartial because of “his Mexican heritage.”

Jerry, The Wire is not a “nonfiction prequel.”

Scientists have been quick to cast doubt on new findings that herpes outbreaks during pregnancy may cause autism.  Other scientists without herpes say it is a distinct possibility.

Chicago musical artist Chance the Rapper has announced he will be giving $1 million to his hometown’s public school system.  In response, Donald Trump tweeted, “Just saw the news- another 1 million people shot in Chicago. This time by a rapper WHO IS BLACK. Sad! Bad (or sick) Guy!”

Next week, join us for our Tuesday discussion group at 7:30 in the 4th floor lounge.  Our topic: Is Anderson Cooper a robot?  Drinks and snacks will be provided… for humans.

Donald Trump has vowed to cut funding for the National Endowment for the Arts, a move that will save the government under $500 million per year.  Most of the savings will be diverted to security for Don Jr. and Eric Trump, as they fly around the world building their new, private National Endowment for Art Collection.

Scientists have announced they are closer than ever to resurrecting the extinct woolly mammoth.  Once born, the first specimen is expected to be released into the wild, as experts say the last thing the world needs is another elephant in the room.

Yup, it’s a tumor.  Walk it off.

-The Chairman

*It will.

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 1/25/17

Hello, my right-to-work rapscallions!

It’s me, your old pal The Chairman, back and better than ever after two straight months of presidential transition horse-trading.  Rest assured I did everything in my power to turn back the clock to a time when America was the G-D GREATEST.

Now, as some of you may know, I was a teensy bit nervous about the impending “Trump administration.”  However, over the past several minutes, I have come to welcome our new tangerine overlord with open legs.  You see, when presented with a set of alternative facts, um, one has no choice but to, you know…
Oh for fuck’s sake BUSINESS.

In a recent interview with the Washington Post, Donald Trump announced that his 2020 campaign slogan would be “Keep America Great,” a tagline used in the horror film The Purge: Election Year.  The film, which depicts a dystopian society in which all crime is condoned by the state, is being called the first-ever “accidental documentary.”

Following her husband’s inauguration, First Lady Melania Trump returned home to New York, where she will reside until her 10-year-old son Barron finishes school.  By “school,” Trump means “postdoctoral study.”

Anna from the cafeteria, SHOW ME YOUR PAPERS!  Haha- just kidding.  Glad we can still make that joke for a few more days.

Despite controversy, the marching band from historically black Talladega College performed as part of Donald Trump’s Inauguration Day festivities.  Trump was said to be “pleasantly surprised” by the band’s performance, calling it “not like Chicago at all.”

During his “first official press briefing,” White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer indicated that Donald Trump will move forward with construction of the controversial Dakota Access Pipeline.  The announcement was met with excitement and immediately hailed as “the most rational thing the administration has done so far.”

Jerry, there are no grizzly bears here.

NASA has released a short film compiled from photographs taken of Pluto by the organization’s New Horizons spacecraft, which flew near the dwarf planet in 2015.  Looks habitable.

In further NASA news, the soon-to-be-defunct agency believes that it has spotted two new comets in our solar system.  “Unfortunately,” said Deputy Principal Investigator James “Gerbs” Bauer of the discovery, “neither appears to be headed towards Earth.”

How about that Women’s March, huh?  Fun signs.

Neuroscientists claim to have discovered a song that reduces anxiety by up to 65 percent.  Due to extraordinary demand, the song is now available on iTunes for $750.

As one of his first acts in office, Donald Trump has reinstated the so-called “Mexico City policy,” which bans federal funding to any overseas NGOs that provide abortion services.  “Oh, no,” Trump said, addressing the many fetuses around the globe affected by the policy, “you’re not getting off that easy.”

When’s the next press briefing?  I gotta set my DVR…

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Friday, 3/11/16

Sup Berniebros?  Don’t forget to mansplain to some feminazis today.  Michigan!

The US Department of Labor has filed suit against New York electronics superstore B&H Photo Video, alleging the retailer made Hispanic workers use separate bathrooms from other employees.  In a countersuit, B&H alleges the Department of Labor is run by a bunch of “filthy Hispanics.”

Subway has promised to make sure its “Footlong” sandwiches are actually a foot long after a recent lawsuit.  The suit represents the most egregious case of footlong false advertising since the last Republican debate.

Who knew human beings could live without food or water?  Anna from Accounts Payable did, when she started her monthlong stillness meditation two weeks ago!  Has anybody checked on her?

Newly uncovered medical records indicate that Adolf Hitler had a severely deformed micro-penis.  “I used to recommend that people go back in time and kill baby Hitler,” said researcher Thomas Bonn in a statement.  “Now, I would at least wait til he hits puberty.”

A suburban Chicago high school has apologized after its students staged a skit about a slave auction at a recent conference.  “We didn’t mean to offend anyone,” school spokesman Morgan Delack said in an interview, “we were simply trying prepare our kids for a possible Trump presidency.”

Jerry, there’s no such thing as “causal Fridays.”

A British woman who lives like it’s 1939 is seeking a husband.  “He must be charming, capable,“ her recent newspaper ad read, “and support Prime Minister Chamberlain’s ideas of appeasement.”

The University of Virginia has unearthed a hearth from the days of founder Thomas Jefferson while undertaking renovations.  Forensic analysis has revealed the hearth to be the only place on campus free of Jefferson’s semen.

Phil from Accounting left the lights on in the men’s bathroom again last night.  Phil, don’t ask how I know this, ask why you haven’t been fired yet.

The nanny with whom Gavin Rossdale cheated on Gwen Stefani is pregnant.  The father’s identity is as yet unknown, but a recent sonogram has revealed the fetus looks like a washed-up D-list 90s rock singer.

The Guinness Book of World Records has certified Holocaust survivor Israel Kristal as the World’s Oldest Man.  “I’d like to dedicate this great honor to Adolf Hitler,” Kristal said in an interview, “and his disgusting, terrifying, tiny, tiny, microscopic baby penis.”

Enjoy the weekend, superdelegates!  Remember, you’re the real stars of democracy.

-The Chairman

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