Internal Memo for Wednesday, 1/23/19

Good day, fellow protestors! Remember, you’re either the kid (good) or the toothless voodoo shaman (evil). There is no in between.

BUSINESS.

Vice President Mike Pence‘s wife Karen (Mother) is returning to teaching at a Christian school where she previously spent 12 years, one that has banned openly gay students, parents, and teachers. Ironically, Mrs. Pence will be teaching art.

Elsewhere in institutional homophobia, actor Chris Pratt, who recently became engaged to girlfriend Katherine Schwarzenegger two years after divorcing fellow actor Anna Faris, reportedly attends a church with a history of child molestation and gay conversion therapy. When asked for comment, Pratt insisted he was actually Chris Evans.

Anna from Travel, thanks for booking me into that sexy little chalet in Davos! Where’s your ticket 😉?

Singer Chris Brown has been arrested in Paris on charges of rape. “What’s the big deal?” Brown has since said in a statement, “I’ve done worse.”

The IRS has given hundreds of employees permission to skip work during the extended government shutdown. Experts have praised the IRS for extending such a courtesy, which they liken to the permission the bureau has long given the superrich to skip paying taxes.

Jerry, it was pass interference.

In response to Democratic Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s plan to raise the marginal tax rate on assets over $10 million to 70%, Fox News host Sean Hannity has warned that such a measure would stop rich people from remodeling their homes. “And when rich people stop remodeling their homes, who gets hurt?” Hannity told listeners to his radio show, “That’s right: rich people! She’s so young and dumb.”

Novelist MacKenzie Bezos, currently in the process of divorcing Amazon CEO and founder Jeff Bezos in the wake of the latter’s affair with news anchor Lauren Sanchez, stands to get up to half of her husband’s wealth, or $69 billion. Such a windfall would make her the richest woman in the world, and the 78th-richest country.

Did you know National Handwriting Day (today, January 23rdwas established by the Writing Instrument Manufacturers Association in 1977? And that “their motive is to promote the consumption of pens, pencils and writing paper”? I like their style.

Various videos and accounts of the now-famous standoff between boys from a Catholic prep school in Kentucky and a Native American elder last week continue to emerge, sparking fierce debate about the nature of the interaction in which no physical contact was made by either side. When asked for comment on the student protestors’ actions, Covington Catholic’s principal Bob Rowe said, “Both the school’s and the church’s views on this are pretty clear: the students, like many great Catholic explorers before them, could have gone further with the natives.”

In other Covington Catholic news, the school’s openly gay valedictorian was barred from speaking at graduation last spring because his speech was “inconsistent with the teaching of the Catholic Church.” The speech reportedly contained such statements as, “Love thy neighbor, no matter whom he loves,” and, “Nobody should molest children.”

Which would you rather fight for: the right to life or the right to drum?

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Friday, 9/2/16

Can you serfs believe it’s already SEPTEMBER??  I mean, where does the time go?  It seems like only yesterday I was making my first million selling frozen concentrated orange juice futures, and now I own a man-made island the size of Turkey.  Anybody who says America isn’t the greatest country on Earth can just HAVE a SEAT.

BUSINESS.

UN health officials are concerned that common STD gonorrhea is becoming untreatable.  As a result, certain sections of Queens, NY have been closed to the public.

A printing error in an early edition Harry Potter book may be worth thousands of dollars, making it the costliest typo since a 2003 White House memo killed 1,500 Iraqi civilians.

Man, Anna from the cafeteria has got a butt.  And she’ll be cooking it up all week special just for us!  Pork butt from our company farm in Mexico.  That’s Mexico, New York, of course.  Crooked Hillary!

Speaking of Mexico (the country), authorities there have discovered a tunnel that leads from the Mexican state of Sonora to the American state of Arizona.  The Arizona side of the tunnel is reportedly unfinished, however, due to lack of Mexican labor.

Ukrainian President Petro Poroshenko recently told CNN he believes Russian President Vladmir Putin wants to take over all of Ukraine.  When informed of the comments, Putin replied, “I think he means Russia.”

Jerry, it’s pronounced “SHE-eye-t.”

Singer and convicted domestic abuser Chris Brown is facing up to 14 years in prison after allegedly threatening a woman with a gun.  “I don’t think Chris hates women,” Brown’s friend Ray J said when asked about the incident, “I just think he gets mad at how they react to his microscopic penis.”

On his final trip to China as President of the United States, Barack Obama plans to ask the Asian nation to practice “restraint” in future international dealings.  When asked how he will phrase the request, Obama replied, “Please?  Pretty please?  Pretty pretty please?  C’mon, guys- please?  Don’t hurt us- we’ll do whatever you want.”

Ever wondered where coffee comes from?  If so, check out our upcoming seminar, “Get Down with that Brown,” this Sunday at 8 AM in Conference Room B.  Hint: It’s a bean!

Niantic, the company behind Pokémon Go, has threatened to ban for life those who cheat at the game using tactics such as GPS manipulation and bots.  In related news, several thousand parents of middle schoolers have recently learned how to manipulate GPS signals and install bots.

Four survivors of the deadly 2012 movie theater shooting in Aurora, CO have been ordered to pay almost $700,000 to Cinemark, the owner of the theater in which the shooting occurred, after a failed suit against the company.  Rather than pay the exorbitant sum, the four have reportedly killed themselves.

Friendly reminder that this coming Monday is Labor Day!  Or, as I like to call it, “Monday.”  What better way to celebrate than with labor?!

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Monday, 6/2/14

Good Afternoon,

Thaaaaaat’s right!  There was no memo last week in preparation for a WEEK STRAIGHT OF MEMOS!  This new pilot program is aimed at getting you more news about the company and the world more often.  Will it work?  Who knows?  But when have I ever been wrong?  Business!

Harry Potter star Emma Watson graduated from Brown University last week, accompanied by an undercover bodyguard in full cap and gown.  At the end of the ceremony, the bodyguard received a degree in celebrity management with a minor in postmodern feminist literature.
 
Veterans Affairs secretary Eric Shinseki has stepped down amidst a rash of scandals at VA hospitals around the country.  Or was it a scandal of rashes?  Find out at 11!

Here’s to you, Anna from PR!  Five years sober!  Everybody raise your glass!

A water main broke in Manhattan last week, creating a massive sinkhole and flooding the legendary Katz’s Deli.  “Not to worry,” said Katz’s owner Jake Dell, “We Jews know how to handle a flood.”

Authorities in India are debating whether one of the country’s wealthiest spiritual leaders is dead or in a deep meditative state.  In related news, Lululemon has begun offering classes in “Death Yoga.”

Jerry, “gay” is not an ethnicity.

At time of writing, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are officially married.

Billionaire Petro Poroshenko has declared victory in Ukraine’s presidential race.  When informed of the election, Russian President Vladimir Putin replied, “That’s cute.”

Are you a psychopath?  Take this test!
 
Surgeons in Slovakia have removed a 13-pound tumor from a man’s face.  The tumor represents the largest sustained growth in Slovakia’s history.

Singer Chris Brown has been released from jail.  No woman is safe.

Wow- that’s a lot of news for one day!  WHAT could POSSIBLY happen TOMORROW?

-The Chairman

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