Internal Memo for Friday, 4/29/16

Good afternoon, flying monkeys!  A bit of wisdom from yours truly to jump start your day:

Success is not a destination, but the road that you’re on.  Being successful means that you’re working hard and walking your walk every day.  You can only live your dream by working hard towards it.  That’s living your dream.

Amen, me.  Business!

Music legend Prince, found dead last week at his home in suburban Minneapolis, reportedly left no will.  His sister said that the singer, a devout Jehovah’s Witness, requested to be buried in his house along with all of his belongings, and that the house be left untouched until he saw fit to resurrect himself and, quote, “Show y’all motherfuckers what I learned in the afterlife.”

Archaeologists in Mongolia have unearthed a 1,500-year-old mummy that appears to be wearing Adidas sneakers.  “We’ve finally found him,” lead researcher Enkhtuya Enkhjargal said of the discovery, “the real O.G.”

Y’all GOTSTA give it up for Anna from the maaaaaiiiilllroooooooooom!  She just won the company freestyle battle (sponsored by Warner Bros. new movie Barbershop: The Next Cut– now playing in select cities) for the fourth year in a row!  Girl can spit, yanahmean?  I don’t!

A tiger was seen wandering the streets of suburban Houston last week.  “I certainly did not purchase, train, and release a tiger in the hopes that it would maul Dwight Howard in retaliation for all of the pain and suffering he has caused this great city over the past three years,” Houston Rockets general manager Daryl Morey said at a recent press conference.  “I’m sorry, what was the question again?”

Scientists have discovered a giant coral reef off the coast of Brazil.  The reef is expected to disappear in 2-3 months, as the coral is harvested and mixed with elephant ivory and rainforest wood to create an expensive Chinese medicine used to treat occasional dandruff.

Jerry, please refrain from calling him “Bob Barker: Pet Eugenicist.”

Coldplay frontman Chris Martin was recently photographed walking on the beach in Los Angeles with actress Heather Graham.  Coincidentally, this week’s Goop newsletter includes Gwyneth Paltrow’s recipe for “Heather Graham crackers,” which calls for two non-GMO graham crackers covered in organic human shit.

Bernie Sanders’ campaign launched a special Snapchat filter on the day of the New York Democratic primary earlier this month, irritating some voters.  The filter reportedly employed facial recognition to identify people making more than $35,000 a year and branded them with the words “CORPORATE FUCKING SCUM.”

The NFL Draft continues tonight!  Or, as brain doctors call it, “Christmas.”

Speaking of the draft, former #1 overall draft pick JaMarcus Russell says he would play for free to get another shot at the NFL.  Russell, who made $36.4 million during his 3 years in the league, is being hailed as “the Mother Teresa of football.”

Pictures have been posted online of a group of high school students in Princeton, New Jersey playing a Holocaust-themed game of beer pong.  “Those pictures are definitely fake,” said junior Jon Hansen, one of the students allegedly involved in the game.  “Just like the events it’s based on, that game never happened.  Am I still suspended?”

I have just been informed that, quite RIDICULOUSLY, some people thought I plagiarized my earlier inspirational quote.  I would like to assure you that, like my brotha in arms, the ever-vigilant Shaun King, I have been misrepresented.  You see, in the first draft of this memo, I had properly attributed the above words to their source, the inimitable Marlon Wayans.  Unfortunately for all involved, my editor inexplicably removed the attribution after the piece had left my hands.  Utterly preposterous.  And I don’t even have an editor.  If I did, he would have been fired.

Disgusting.

Stay strong, Shaun.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 12/10/14

Ding dong merrily on high!  In heav’n the bells are ringing!  Ding dong verily the sky, is riv’n with THE BUSINESS.

Girl Scout cookies are now available online.  When informed of the development, President Obama laughed maniacally while repeating, “Bread and circuses… bread and circuses….”

Actor Alan Alda has challenged scientists to explain the concept of sleep to children.  “If successful,” Alda explains in an online video, “you will have the opportunity to tackle another of the universe’s great mysteries: my career after M*A*S*H.”

All aboard!  In honor of the film Titanic‘s 17th anniversary, Anna from development will be hosting a nude painting class on December 19th in the outdoor cafeteria.  Rain or shine… but hopefully rain….

Last week’s surprise World AIDS Day concert in Times Square featured Bruce Springsteen and Coldplay’s Chris Martin performing with a Bono-less U2.  The Irish frontman is no longer allowed within 500 yards of Times Square after his involvement in Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark.

Electronic taxi service Uber has secured $1 billion in new funding.  Or, as Uber users call it, one thirteen block ride on a Saturday night.

Jerry, no one thinks you killed Hae Min Lee.

Just two days after his wedding to Jersey Shore’s Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi, Jionni LaValle pled guilty to DUI.  Now, as per New Jersey tradition, the couple is officially married.

Miley Cyrus and Paris Hilton made out during a party at Art Basel last week.  Fourteen people have since been infected with a previously unknown strain of what one CDC scientist has called “the Ebola of venereal diseases.”

If you’re like me, you so often find yourself wondering, “How did hydrogen peroxide become a thing?”  If so, it might be time to visit the office lending library on floor BBB!

George W. Bush’s daughter Jenna Bush Hager recently admitted to “a little hanky-panky” on the White House roof.  Fittingly, “a little hanky-panky” was the foremost reason given for her father’s invasion of Iraq.

The world’s largest white truffle was sold at auction Saturday for $61,250.  The figure represents the most paid for a piece of fungus since Alex Rodriguez’s $253 million contract with the New York Yankees.

Oh there’s no place like home for the holidays… unless you want to keep your job!

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 8/20/14

Guess who’s back?
 
Back again?
 
The Chairman’s back.
 
Tell a friend.
 
“Shouts out” to my homeboy Eminem for fashioning such a poignant and timeless reintroduction.  After enjoying a luxurious summer vacation aboard this (to scale) with these (not to scale), I’m back to bring you the latest goings on at the company and around the world.  Now, without further ado… your only reason for living: THE BUSINESS.
 
Five months after his high profile divorce, Coldplay frontman Chris Martin is reportedly dating actress Jennifer Lawrence.  “They have a lot in common,” said a source close to Martin, “for instance, they both hate Gwyneth Paltrow.”

A Michigan girl who was mauled by a raccoon is getting a new ear molded from cartilage in her rib cage.  The girl originally wanted a wife, but same-sex marriage is currently illegal in the state.

Congratulations to Aña from marketing on being named one of Forbes magazine’s “30 Under 30”!  That Cuban birth certificate is like gold!

Former President Bill Clinton was reportedly so angry when FIFA awarded Qatar the 2022 World Cup over the US that he broke a mirror in his hotel room.  Luckily, none of the five women in the room with him were hurt.

Earlier this summer, a Virginia man declared his daughter princess of an 800-square-mile expanse of African desert, calling it “The Kingdom of North Sudan.”  Last week, the six year-old was deposed in a bloodless coup and is currently awaiting trial for mass genocide.

Jerry, nobody nominated you.

A Japanese woman has released a YouTube video in which she tries to grow her breasts by massaging them with fresh summer vegetables.  YouTube has removed the woman’s other videos in which she attempts to grow her labia in the same manner.

Girls actress Allison Williams has been cast as Peter Pan in NBC’s upcoming telecast of Peter Pan Live!  As a result, the show’s title has been changed to Peter Pan: The Boy Who Wouldn’t Grow Up but Then Suddenly Did and Everybody Realized He Was Actually a Smokin’ Hot Lady Live!

Lorin Maazel, former music director of the New York Philharmonic, has died.  The New York Times called his death “coolly fastidious and emotionally distant,” adding that his “staccato breaths” towards the end were “a subtle yet winning touch.”

Go tell it on the mountain!  Shlomo Horowitz from accounting will be presenting his solo performance piece, The Unsung History of The Negro Spiritual, this Friday afternoon at 2:30 in the third floor conference room.  A change HAS come, oh lawd!

True Detective creator Nic Pizzolatto has been accused of plagiarism.  “He stole everything,” said Jimmy “Fat Stacks” Dalton, 36, of Hampton, Florida, during a press conference in his mother’s basement.  “I’ve been saying for years that life is shit, people are sheep, and Lone Star is the best goddamn beer in the world.”
 
Former President George W. Bush has had his second partial knee replacement.  Bush has said he feels “great” and “could invade Iraq again tomorrow.”

Watch out for those cops!

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 4/2/14

Ladies and Gentlemen,

I was not amused by the amount of celebration surrounding my recent April Fools’ joke.  I would like to think my death would have been met with sincere mourning and solemn tribute.  In the event of my actual death, please consider exhibiting a little more respect.  Thank you.  Now, as I am a living, breathing human being with feelings, I will now proceed with the business.

Two Spanish historians claim to have found the Holy Grail.  Much to the chagrin of their neighbors, however, they still have not found Jesus.

New York Mets fans booed recently elected Mayor Bill De Blasio Monday when he threw out the first pitch at the team’s opener.  “I knew it,” said De Blasio, “I shouldn’t have worn the Mets jersey.”

Russian troops have massed on the country’s border with Ukraine, and could invade within 12 hours of being given an order.  The invasion could be delayed further, however, if a lot of people happen to be using Russia’s DSL.

What’s that smell?  It’s Anna from marketing, who has gone vegan!  Please be supportive.

The Supreme Court has struck down limits on how much individuals can donate to political candidates.  “This is an historic day,” said Justice Sonia Sotomayor, “it ensures that the American political system will continue to benefit the wealthy on both sides for years to come.”
 
According to court documents, the faulty ignition switches that killed 13 people and sparked a massive recall of GM vehicles cost a mere 90 cents apiece.  Get it?  Sparked?  Oh God, Cheryl, your son was one of those killed?  I’m sorry for your loss.  I had no idea.  I will retract my statement immediately.  I am deeply, deeply sorry.  Also, I will be giving you a raise.  Effective immediately.  Please do not sue me, or the company, we can work this out.  Cheryl?  Cheryl, where are you going?  Cheryl?  Don’t do this, Cheryl… I said I was sorry!

No, Jerry, I still don’t see the Virgin Mary in your waffle fry.
 
A Long Island high school student has been accepted into all eight Ivy League colleges.  “I would like to thank my parents,” said 17-year-old Kwasi Enin, “my teachers, and, most importantly, my race.”

Celebrity couple Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin, who “consciously uncoupled” last week, reportedly had an open relationship.  Paltrow ended the marriage for good after finding out about her husband’s longstanding affair with his mistress, “Music.”

Russian President Vladimir Putin’s divorce from his wife, Lyudmila, has been finalized.  “I will kill her, yes,” said a “devastated” Putin in a statement.  “Hopefully soon.”

I would like to apologize for my earlier insensitive comments regarding the recent GM recall.  I would like to “recall” them, if you will.  WAIT, CHERYL, COME BACK.

An 8.2-magnitude earthquake hit Chile Tuesday, precipitating a massive escape from a women’s prison.  The earthquake is widely believed to be a publicity stunt for the upcoming season of “Naranja Es El Nuevo Negro,” premiering this Sábado on ¡El Netflix!.

German Chancellor Angela Merkel has approved the country’s first minimum wage, set at €8.50 an hour.  The move has sparked outrage from fellow EU member Greece, which, according to President Karolos Papoulias, “would kill for that kind of dough.”

It’s baseball season, kiddos… get out there and take some steroids!

-The Chairman

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