Internal Memo for Wednesday, 1/16/19

Hello commercial detritus!

Mark your calendars: this Monday is Martin Luther King Day! Amidst all this talk of “civil rights,” let’s not forget what the man did best: fuck.

BUSINESS.

Brothel owner Dennis Hof, a Republican accused of sexual assault by multiple women, recently won a spot on the Nevada state assembly despite having died in October. Hof becomes the second-ever posthumously elected politician in Nevada’s history, behind current governor Elvis Presley.

Netflix is raising its prices in the US. The move is said to be part of the “Bird Box challenge,” where a person or company exhibits willful blindness.

Congratulations to Anna from Corp Dev on completing her EMS training! I can confirm she’s already an expert in mouth-to-mouth.

The Turkish government is seeking an arrest warrant for New York Knicks center Enes Kanter, accusing him of membership in a terrorist organization. Several experts in international law have said the Knicks, at 10-33, qualify.

A judge has granted the families of children killed in the Sandy Hook massacre access to conspiracy theory network InfoWars’ financial documents as part of their suit against its founder, Alex Jones. Jones has refused to hand over any materials, saying, “Those documents, along with any evidence of the Holocaust, don’t exist.”

Jerry, there’s no such thing as “winter Tuesdays.”

An endangered Pacific bluefin tuna recently sold for $3 million at a Tokyo fish market. The high sale price is expected to bring about the species’ extinction by next year.

Indonesian national airline Garuda is experimenting with live music on some of its flights. The move is expected to set Garuda apart from Indonesian competitor Lion Air, which is experimenting with landing.

This Saturday, join us 7 AM in Conference Room G for the annual company Christmas tree lighting! We finally found the perfect one.

Scientists have discovered an ancient termite colony in Brazil that is as large as the United Kingdom. The find represents the second UK-sized piece of land where inhabitants eat food that tastes like wood.

Italian Prime Minister Matteo Salvini has drafted a proposal to force what he calls “little ethnic shops” in the country to close at 9 PM. Salvini told reporters he made his decision after seeing a production of Italy’s newest hit musical, Little Ethnic Shop of Horrors.

I have a dream… and it is wet.

-The Chairman

Standard

Internal Memo for Wednesday, 1/17/18

Good morning discomfort pioneers,

Great news!  In the wake of the recent MAJOR TAX CUT, I have decided to give everyone a 401K!  AND I will match your first contribution up to $.3.  THAT IS NOT A TYPO!  You know what they say, a penny saved is a penny… BUSINESS.

Paula White, Pentecostal televangelist and spiritual adviser to Donald Trump, has encouraged people to send her their January salary or face punishment from God.  White claims the money will go directly to the almighty creator himself, who incurred massive debt last month fighting the war on Christmas.

Minnesota has been named the happiest state in America by personal finance website WalletHub.  In related news, Mississippi has been named the wealthiest state in America by Civil War blogger Beauregard Johnson III.

Congratulations to Anna from HR on opening the office’s first ever meditation room!  I’ve already “christened” it… twice 😉

JetBlue has begun hiring pilots with no experience necessary.  And it shows.

Lena Dunham has split from her boyfriend of five years, Bleachers lead singer Jack Antonoff.  Antonoff is reportedly “heartbroken,” while Dunham is reportedly “naked.”

Jerry, you did not just win HQ.

Former Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice has registered her disdain for the #MeToo movement, saying, “Let’s not turn women into snowflakes.”  “Women should be viewed the same way as men,” Rice added. “They should be free to grope, to rape, and to fight in endless wars propagated by administrations captured by defense contractors and private security forces.”

Alana Evans, friend of pornographic actress Stormy Daniels – whom Donald Trump reportedly paid $130,000 for her silence regarding a 2006 sexual encounter – claims Trump chased Daniels around a hotel room “in his tighty-whities.”  Experts say Evans was referring to Trump’s underwear, though “tighty-whities” is also Trump’s nickname for his cabinet.

Tomorrow is our sixth annual office pun-off!  Or should I say, “office pun-off-ice”?  I’M-A GONNA WIN.

The same day that Walmart announced that it would be raising employees’ wages by $1 an hour due to the recent tax overhaul, the company also announced it would be closing 63 of its Sam’s Club locations.  Going forward, workers at those locations are expected to make almost as much as when they were employed.

Senator Lindsey Graham says he no longer believes Donald Trump is a “xenophobic, race-baiting religious bigot.”  “I now realize,” Graham added, “that he is so much worse.”

Find a penny, pick it up… and turn it in to Accounting IMMEDIATELY.

-The Chairman

Standard

Internal Memo for Thursday, 11/23/18

Cherokee Nation presents: The Thanksgiving Memo!

They’ve assured me that all is forgiven.  Business!

Donald Trump says he believes Vladimir Putin when the Russian president says his country did not meddle in the 2016 presidential election.  Trump also says he believes that Hillary Clinton actually won the 2016 election, and that she should be impeached.

Elsewhere in election meddling, a new report has uncovered disinformation campaigns in 18 countries’ elections since last year.  That number is expected to fall next year, as more countries become part of Russia.

I’ll have the dark meat, Anna from the cafeteria!  That means you 😉

Special Counsel Robert Mueller has interviewed top White House aide Stephen Miller as part of his investigation into Russian meddling in the 2016 election.  After the meeting, Mueller called Miller “cooperative” and “a complete sociopath.”

Ridesharing giant Uber reportedly paid hackers $100,000 not to release data stolen from 57 million of the app’s users in 2016.  The massive cover-up has been called the most ethical decision the company has ever made.

Jerry, it is not called “Brown Saturday.”

Facing an epidemic of deaths from hazing, many US colleges are suspending Greek life on campus.  “Just suspending, not disbanding,” Louisiana State University President F. King Alexander said in a statement.  “We’re not narcs.”

Rapper Sean “Diddy” Combs announced on Twitter that he has changed his name once again, this time to “Love A.K.A. Brother Love.”  He also revealed the name he really wanted, “Relevant Again,” was unavailable.

Did you know that a cornucopia is supposed to be made with a goat’s horn?  Neither did I, ‘til I spent Christmas with Ed from Accounting!  He’s a “Wiccan!”

Over 15,000 scientists have signed onto a new letter warning humanity of the disastrous effects of manmade climate change.  As a rebuttal, over 15,000 NRA members have signed onto a letter calling Barack Obama a Muslim.

Michael Oreskes, head of news at NPR, has resigned amidst allegations of sexual harassment.  Several women have accused Oreskes of “speaking in a soft, monotone voice” and “constantly soliciting donations.”

Without white people, the Indians would STILL be in jail in China.  Ungrateful fools!

-The Chairman

Standard

Internal Memo for Friday, 4/29/16

Good afternoon, flying monkeys!  A bit of wisdom from yours truly to jump start your day:

Success is not a destination, but the road that you’re on.  Being successful means that you’re working hard and walking your walk every day.  You can only live your dream by working hard towards it.  That’s living your dream.

Amen, me.  Business!

Music legend Prince, found dead last week at his home in suburban Minneapolis, reportedly left no will.  His sister said that the singer, a devout Jehovah’s Witness, requested to be buried in his house along with all of his belongings, and that the house be left untouched until he saw fit to resurrect himself and, quote, “Show y’all motherfuckers what I learned in the afterlife.”

Archaeologists in Mongolia have unearthed a 1,500-year-old mummy that appears to be wearing Adidas sneakers.  “We’ve finally found him,” lead researcher Enkhtuya Enkhjargal said of the discovery, “the real O.G.”

Y’all GOTSTA give it up for Anna from the maaaaaiiiilllroooooooooom!  She just won the company freestyle battle (sponsored by Warner Bros. new movie Barbershop: The Next Cut– now playing in select cities) for the fourth year in a row!  Girl can spit, yanahmean?  I don’t!

A tiger was seen wandering the streets of suburban Houston last week.  “I certainly did not purchase, train, and release a tiger in the hopes that it would maul Dwight Howard in retaliation for all of the pain and suffering he has caused this great city over the past three years,” Houston Rockets general manager Daryl Morey said at a recent press conference.  “I’m sorry, what was the question again?”

Scientists have discovered a giant coral reef off the coast of Brazil.  The reef is expected to disappear in 2-3 months, as the coral is harvested and mixed with elephant ivory and rainforest wood to create an expensive Chinese medicine used to treat occasional dandruff.

Jerry, please refrain from calling him “Bob Barker: Pet Eugenicist.”

Coldplay frontman Chris Martin was recently photographed walking on the beach in Los Angeles with actress Heather Graham.  Coincidentally, this week’s Goop newsletter includes Gwyneth Paltrow’s recipe for “Heather Graham crackers,” which calls for two non-GMO graham crackers covered in organic human shit.

Bernie Sanders’ campaign launched a special Snapchat filter on the day of the New York Democratic primary earlier this month, irritating some voters.  The filter reportedly employed facial recognition to identify people making more than $35,000 a year and branded them with the words “CORPORATE FUCKING SCUM.”

The NFL Draft continues tonight!  Or, as brain doctors call it, “Christmas.”

Speaking of the draft, former #1 overall draft pick JaMarcus Russell says he would play for free to get another shot at the NFL.  Russell, who made $36.4 million during his 3 years in the league, is being hailed as “the Mother Teresa of football.”

Pictures have been posted online of a group of high school students in Princeton, New Jersey playing a Holocaust-themed game of beer pong.  “Those pictures are definitely fake,” said junior Jon Hansen, one of the students allegedly involved in the game.  “Just like the events it’s based on, that game never happened.  Am I still suspended?”

I have just been informed that, quite RIDICULOUSLY, some people thought I plagiarized my earlier inspirational quote.  I would like to assure you that, like my brotha in arms, the ever-vigilant Shaun King, I have been misrepresented.  You see, in the first draft of this memo, I had properly attributed the above words to their source, the inimitable Marlon Wayans.  Unfortunately for all involved, my editor inexplicably removed the attribution after the piece had left my hands.  Utterly preposterous.  And I don’t even have an editor.  If I did, he would have been fired.

Disgusting.

Stay strong, Shaun.

-The Chairman

Standard

Internal Memo for Wednesday, 12/10/14

Ding dong merrily on high!  In heav’n the bells are ringing!  Ding dong verily the sky, is riv’n with THE BUSINESS.

Girl Scout cookies are now available online.  When informed of the development, President Obama laughed maniacally while repeating, “Bread and circuses… bread and circuses….”

Actor Alan Alda has challenged scientists to explain the concept of sleep to children.  “If successful,” Alda explains in an online video, “you will have the opportunity to tackle another of the universe’s great mysteries: my career after M*A*S*H.”

All aboard!  In honor of the film Titanic‘s 17th anniversary, Anna from development will be hosting a nude painting class on December 19th in the outdoor cafeteria.  Rain or shine… but hopefully rain….

Last week’s surprise World AIDS Day concert in Times Square featured Bruce Springsteen and Coldplay’s Chris Martin performing with a Bono-less U2.  The Irish frontman is no longer allowed within 500 yards of Times Square after his involvement in Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark.

Electronic taxi service Uber has secured $1 billion in new funding.  Or, as Uber users call it, one thirteen block ride on a Saturday night.

Jerry, no one thinks you killed Hae Min Lee.

Just two days after his wedding to Jersey Shore’s Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi, Jionni LaValle pled guilty to DUI.  Now, as per New Jersey tradition, the couple is officially married.

Miley Cyrus and Paris Hilton made out during a party at Art Basel last week.  Fourteen people have since been infected with a previously unknown strain of what one CDC scientist has called “the Ebola of venereal diseases.”

If you’re like me, you so often find yourself wondering, “How did hydrogen peroxide become a thing?”  If so, it might be time to visit the office lending library on floor BBB!

George W. Bush’s daughter Jenna Bush Hager recently admitted to “a little hanky-panky” on the White House roof.  Fittingly, “a little hanky-panky” was the foremost reason given for her father’s invasion of Iraq.

The world’s largest white truffle was sold at auction Saturday for $61,250.  The figure represents the most paid for a piece of fungus since Alex Rodriguez’s $253 million contract with the New York Yankees.

Oh there’s no place like home for the holidays… unless you want to keep your job!

-The Chairman

Standard

Internal Memo for Friday, 5/23/14

Good Afternoon,
 
I hope you all survived a week of no correspondence due to our office renovations.  I can assure you the Internet is now back up and running and we’ve upgraded to a new fleet of CISCO® 891W-AGN-A-K9 Gigabit Ethernet Wireless Security Routers.  I’m as giddy as a little schoolgirl!  It’s like Christmas come early!  I have to change my pants!  BUSINESS!!

Authorities in Belize have apprehended a suspect in the largest gold heist in Florida history.  Alleged thief Raonel Valdez-Valhuerdis is said to be disappointed he was caught, but thrilled to have escaped Florida.

Solange Knowles recent elevator attack on her sister’s husband, Jay-Z, reportedly stemmed from the rapper’s association with fashion designer Rachel Roy.  Jay-Z has since released a statement acknowledging that he now has 101 problems.
 
Let’s all gather for cupcakes in the cafeteria today as our little journalist Anna from operations goes off to Syria to document the horrors of war!  We’re gonna miss you, sweetheart, but you’ll always have a home here if and when you get Hepatitis A!
 
Former NFL safety Tyler Sash was arrested last week after leading police on a drunken scooter chase.  Or, as the NFL calls it, “Something wholly unrelated to the former player’s health and well being and certainly not having anything to do with concussions.”
 
Ryan Gosling caused an Internet stir recently by wearing a T-shirt of Macaulay Culkin wearing a T-shirt of Ryan Gosling wearing a T-shirt of Macaulay Culkin.  It is unclear as of yet what the pair is selling.

Jerry, have you ever even seen Schindler’s List?

Oregon State has fired men’s basketball coach Craig Robinson.  Much like his brother-in-law, President Barack Obama, Robinson served since 2008 and had only one winning season.

Golfer Rory McIlroy has called off his engagement to tennis player Caroline Wozniacki.  The two reportedly remain European.

This is a friendly reminder that the company day care is for employees only.  And for children only.  And for humans only.  And it is not a restroom.  Thank you.

An underwater explorer claims he has found the remains of Christopher Columbus’ ship the Santa Maria.  “The ship is in extremely good condition,” says explorer Barry Clifford, “it looks like she could still wipe out an entire native population today.”

Game of Thrones author George R.R. Martin recently revealed that he writes the hit series on a DOS computer with no Internet connection.  “It keeps things pure,” said Martin.  “All the porn is on the page.”

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

GET BACK TO WORK.

-The Chairman

Standard

Internal Memo for Tuesday, 12/10/13

Great news, plebes- I’ve figured out how to backdate posts!  I will now disingenuously update this blog as if I  had done so as my memos came out.  I published this post on December 10th of last year- see?  Capitalism!

-The Chairman

It has come to my attention that some of you are confused as to the schedule of these emails.  Some have come Monday morning, some Monday evening, and some (like this one) on Tuesday.  Allow me to apologize and assure you that they are all supposed to come out Monday morning, but Jerry is incompetent.  Real professional, jackass.  Onto the business!

Last week, Seattle Seahawks defensive lineman Michael Bennett posed as his team’s more popular quarterback Russell Wilson to get a table at a Seattle restaurant.  Bennett has been cut by the team and is awaiting trial for identity theft, which carries a minimum sentence of 25 years without parole.

Researchers at the University of Pennsylvania have created an experimental treatment that attempts to cure cancer like the common cold.  In related news, researchers at the University of Pennsylvania remain unaware that there is no cure for the common cold.

I forgot to give Anna from sales a shout-out last week on her 10-year anniversary!  Congrats!  I remember when you thought George was just in it for the money!

Several Russian diplomats have been charged with cheating the United States government out of over $1.5 million in Medicaid benefits.  George Venizelos, assistant director in charge of the New York FBI office, said, “We thought we could trust the Russians to abide by the rules of a government program aimed at distributing goods and services evenly among all people.”

A Chinese man jumped to his death over the weekend when his girlfriend insisted on going into one more clothing store after shopping for five hours.  The man was immediately canonized by the Catholic, Anglican, Greek Orthodox, and Episcopalian churches, as well as Judaism, Hinduism, Buddhism, and men everywhere.

According to leaked documents, the NSA has been spying on players of the popular online games World of Warcraft and Second Life.  Among the agency’s findings is an imminent threat of moving out of mom’s basement.

The Holidays are all about giving to those less fortunate.  On that note, we’ve started a collection for Tim in legal’s rhinoplasty.  Please find it in your heart to help- he’s really gotta get that thing fixed.

NASA researchers have determined there was once a lake on Mars.  This information cost $5,603,593,024.99.

Czech Prime Minister Jiri Rusnok is under fire after complaining about having to fly to South Africa to attend Nelson Mandela’s funeral.  On an open mic, Rusnok was caught saying, “Mandela would understand.  It’s a 13-hour flight!  That’s WAY too long to be stuck in an enclosed space.”

Today’s lucky office is 24EEE!  If that is your current workspace, please claim your mystery prize by Wednesday.  Hint: It takes AA batteries!

Lululemon founder Chip Wilson has stepped down from his position as chairman of the board.  He plans to spend his retirement in a blissful savasana.

An Antarctic charity race involving Britain’s Prince Harry has been suspended due to “a higher degree of stress” than expected.  According to a royal spokesperson, an exhausted Harry is headed to Las Vegas to receive emergency doses of cocaine and prostitutes.

That’s all for now, my little dumplings.  Fie on those who seek to ruin our Christmas cheer!  Figgy pudding for all!

-The Chairman

Standard