Internal Memo for Wednesday, 4/4/18

Blessed Day Jesii,

How was your weekend? Did you get enough sleep? Maybe in a cave? Three days-worth? Then you woke up and showed your cool scars to some friends who told some other friends and suddenly you’re like, hella famous?

That’s nice. It’s also heresy.

Business!

Win Myint has been elected president of Myanmar. Myint ran on an enormously popular platform of economic improvement and swift execution of ethnic minorities.

Donald Trump has blamed violent video games and movies for recent mass shootings, suggesting a rating system for such content. When told such a system already exists, Trump suggested a rating system for such content.

Kudos, Anna from Operations! THAT was the sweet yet sensible candy bar I was thinking of.

Donald Trump has tapped his personal physician, Ronny Jackson, to lead the Department of Veterans Affairs. It will be Jackson’s first time dealing with any kind of veteran in at least two years.

Rapper DMX has been ordered to serve one year in prison for tax fraud. He pled bark to all charges.

Jerry, did you sign me up for a Gap card?

A team from Weill Cornell Medical College recently mapped the DNA found in New York’s subway system, finding samples from 15,152 different species. Researchers were able to map every line but the G, which never came.

In a controversial new interview, Pope Francis reportedly said that hell does not exist. “In these uncertain times,” the Pope told an Italian journalist, “it’s comforting to know that there cannot possibly be any worse place than the world we live in.”

Gooooo tell it on the mouuuun-tain
Over the hills and everywhere
Goooooo tell it on the mouuunnn-tain
Frozen yogurt’s back at the cafeteria!

Following a lengthy investigation, Israeli police have uncovered “sufficient evidence” to charge Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu with corruption. The police refused to recommend charges of murder as well, as they do not consider Palestinians people.

18-year-old Charlie Lagarde of Quebec will receive $1,000 a week for life after the first lottery ticket she ever bought turned out to be a winner. As a bonus, lottery officials will also give Lagarde a lifetime’s supply of cigarettes.

Jesus was my nickname in college. But instead of loaves and fishes…

… I slung hos and bitches.

HIGH FIVE ME GODDAMMIT.

-The Chairman

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