Internal Memo for Wednesday, 5/16/18

Dearest underlings,

Thank you for all of your thoughts and prayers over the last several months. Good news: they worked! We have a war in the Middle Ea$t! 58 dead and counting! Tragically, of course. Very, very sad.

AAAAAAAAnywaaaaaaayyyy, when added to the ongoing conflict in $yria, this latest Pale$tinian-I$raeli clash should bring several new revenue streams into our purview. As they say: next year in Jeru$alem! If it still exists…

Business!

Donald Trump Jr., in the process of divorcing wife Vanessa, is reportedly dating Fox News host Kimberly Guilfoyle. Trump Jr. said he wanted to follow in the footsteps of his father, who is blowing the network.

The “deodorant challenge,” a trend where teenagers spray aerosol deodorant onto each other’s bare skin to see who can endure it the longest, is causing second-degree burns. Officials have advised against it in every country except France, where they say participants should “use deodorant at all costs.”

Ramadan Mubarak, آنا from Accounting! Gotta fit into that burkini!

According to a new study by health insurer Cigna, most Americans are considered lonely. Cigna has since assured respondents it has many different health plans to combat said loneliness, starting at $2,000 a month.

Russian President Vladimir Putin scored 5 goals in an exhibition hockey game last week in Sochi. A reporter later asked Putin if the other team let him score, and was summarily hanged.

Jerry, it’s Yanny.

Red Sox pitcher David Price has denied allegations that he developed carpal tunnel syndrome from playing the video game Fortnite. “I don’t play that game too much,” Price told reporters Monday. “But boy, do I masturbate.”

A new study suggests the drug Ecstasy may be an effective treatment for PTSD. The controversial study is titled “Common Sense.”

In celebration of the Supreme Court’s virtual legalization of sports gambling, we’ve opened our very own sportsbook in Conference Room D! Free wings if you wager on the Browns!

The spread of an ancient skin-eating fungus that has been killing off large numbers of amphibians around the globe has been traced back to the Korean War. “I would like to express my sincere remorse,” Korean War veteran Daryl Johnston said in response to the discovery, “I should never have fucked that frog.”

After discovering a bug earlier this month, Twitter recommended all of its users change their passwords. Shortly thereafter, Sean Spicer tweeted, “TRuMpisInn0cent!$&1:)”

Anytime you can move the location of an embassy with only 58 dead, you simply must.

It’s $imple math.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Friday, 3/18/16

Ohhhhhhhh IT’S MARCH MADNESS, BABY!

You may recall that in years past we’ve had some great prizes for the winner of our annual office pool.  Past champions have received a Westinghouse© television, Windows 7, and a signed copy of The Diary of Anne Frank.  This year, we’re kicking it “old school fleek,” as the kids say… first place gets a Cadillac, second place gets a set of steak knives, and third place gets fired!  Everybody else gets nothing, but stays employed.  You sure don’t want to finish in third… let the games begin!

A Florida teenager has been arrested for the second time for posing as a medical professional.  Eighteen year-old Malachi Love-Robinson had to be apprehended while on a trip to neighboring Georgia, as posing of any kind is both legal and encouraged in Florida.

Renowned actress and feminist Emma Watson has revealed that she pays to learn about female sexual pleasure through a website called OMGYES.com.  “Thanks, Emma,” said Mike Jackson, a carpenter from Sioux Falls, South Dakota, “now I know what to tell my wife when the next credit card bill comes.”

Anna from the kitchen is on fire!  No, literally, we had some issues with the stove earlier today and her clothing was set ablaze.  Someone please put her out!  She doesn’t appear to be injured… yet.

A Swedish doctor who treats patients’ ills with anal massage has had his license revoked by the country’s Medical Board of Responsibility.  When asked for his response to the decision, Dr. Jan Svensen replied, “They can shove it up their ass.  Or I can do it for them, at a great price, and it will almost certainly take care of their rheumatoid arthritis.”

In sports news, the NFL’s Cleveland Browns have officially released troubled former college star Johnny Manziel.  Manziel was last seen late Saturday with some friends on the Las Vegas strip, on the way to an overdose.

Jerry, that was the company Snapchat.

Members of terrorist group Hamas burned 15 tons of Snickers last week following a recall by the candy’s parent company Mars.  The recall was initiated because of plastic found in some bars, but Hamas burned their supply because it had “come dangerously close to some Jews.”

A wild mountain lion found its way into the Los Angeles Zoo last week and ate a koala.  Coincidentally, “a wild mountain lion finding its way into the zoo and eating a koala” is a popular Hollywood euphemism for rape.

Just a reminder that Kevin from HR is hosting a very important seminar on workplace diversity this weekend, smack dab in the middle of the NCAA Tournament.  Intentional?  You decide!

According to a new Rolling Stone profile, rapper Macklemore owns a nude painting of popstar Justin Bieber with a pancake on his penis.  “It’s, like, a metaphor for my music,” Macklemore said in the interview.  “You look at it and you’re like, ‘How did this get made?’”

Amazon is planning to open several hundred physical bookstores around the US.  When asked about the decision, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos told reporters, “We saw how well physical bookstores were doing and we were like, ‘We’ve got books!’”

Get those picks in, guys!  Nevermind… it already started.

-The Chairman

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