Internal Memo for Wednesday, 6/12/19

Hello Rich White Theatergoers,

Whoops, that’s redundant.

Who watched the Tonys on Sunday?! Those musical numbers were even more electrifying on TV… and that is sad.

BUSINESS.

Bradley Cooper has broken up with girlfriend Irina Shayk, just four months after his A Star Is Born co-star Lady Gaga broke off her engagement to Christian Carino. The two are reportedly looking for a piano.

As her mother awaits sentencing in the Operation Varsity Blues college admissions scandal, the daughter of Felicity Huffman and William H. Macy has graduated from high school. In lieu of gifts, she has asked that friends and family fuck off and die.

Anna from Legal, good luck defending Comcast against claims of racial discrimination in front of the Supreme Court! You always did like a challenge.

Justin Bieber tweeted Sunday that he would like to fight Tom Cruise “in the octagon.” Cruise responded that Bieber should stop talking before he ended up like the last person who wanted to fight him, Shelly Miscavige.

The Illinois state legislature has officially approved the use of recreational marijuana by adults in the state. Donald Trump has responded by sending National Guard troops to Chicago.

Jerry, you did not survive Chernobyl.

An estimated 1.03 million protesters flooded the streets of Hong Kong Sunday to oppose a proposed law that would allow the local government to extradite fugitives to places such as mainland China and Macau. “We are very angry,” one protestor told the South China Morning Post, “that nobody realizes this is a gay pride parade.”

An English woman has been arrested after she punctured the famous “baby Trump” balloon flown by protesters to mark the businessman’s recent visit to the UK. “Yes! Yes! I stabbed baby Trump!” the woman was heard shouting as police led her away, “And I didn’t have to go back in time to do it!”

Have you ever dreamed of working for a Fortune 500 company? Well work harder! We didn’t qualify yet again.

A series of photos appearing to depict a pregnant Marilyn Monroe are being sold for $90,000. Monroe’s estate has disputed the authenticity of the photos, which also show John F. Kennedy pointing at the actress’ belly and mouthing “That’s mine.”

Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin has announced that, due to security concerns, the redesign of the $20 bill featuring Harriet Tubman will be delayed until 2028. “This design must be implemented correctly, as it would be much easier to counterfeit,” Mnuchin said in a statement, “because all black people look the same.”

Hadestown… that’s the sequel to On The Town, right?

Oh, who gives a fuck.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 5/1/19

Happy International Labor Day, laborers! Periodic reminder: This is a “right to work” business, meaning you are right to work and wrong not to! If you strike today (or any other day, for that matter), there is a clause in your contract that entitles me to half of everything you own! We’re basically married, and infidelity, as any Real Housewife will tell you, can be veeeeeeeery costly…

Business!

Joe Biden has officially announced his candidacy for president. The move has been hailed as “visionary” by Joe Biden.

Both of the top seeds in this year’s NHL playoffs, the Calgary Flames and the Tampa Bay Lightning, lost in the first round. The results came as a shock to many who thought the NHL was defunct.

Anna from Development, who’d’ve thought you’d be the Helen of Troy of Venezuela?

In further Anna news, Anna Sorokin, a.k.a. Anna Delvey, has been found guilty of second-degree grand larceny after posing as an heiress and scamming various friends and financial entities out of $275,000. Sorokin has asked for a delayed sentence so that she can at least meet the scamming threshold to someday become president.

According to a recent study, sleep deprivation can lead to smaller testicle size. In related news, researchers believe they’ve finally discovered why bears hibernate.

Jerry, you are not the new emperor of Japan.

3M is cutting 2,000 jobs worldwide. The company cited the uncertain future of Scotch tape post-Brexit.

Donald Trump has proposed instituting a fee for seeking asylum in the United States. Payment can be made by check or via Deutsche Bank Quickpay.

Starting today, our new healthcare provider is Costa Rica! Our relationship with Aetna has ended, so going forward please visit Trevor in Basement Suite D to book any necessary (or voluntary!) medical travel.

A measles outbreak has led to quarantines on the campuses of both UCLA and California State University, Los Angeles. The virus had plans to get into USC as well before it was revealed never to have actually played soccer.

Indonesia will reportedly move its capital from Jakarta because the city is slowly sinking. American conservatives have called the report another example of the left spreading egregious lies about climate change by making up a city called “Jakarta.”

… I think we should start seeing other people.

Cheaper people. In other countries. With less regulation and more lenient tax structures.

I’m just tired of supporting you financially.

-The Chairman

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