Internal Memo for Wednesday, 6/12/19

Hello Rich White Theatergoers,

Whoops, that’s redundant.

Who watched the Tonys on Sunday?! Those musical numbers were even more electrifying on TV… and that is sad.

BUSINESS.

Bradley Cooper has broken up with girlfriend Irina Shayk, just four months after his A Star Is Born co-star Lady Gaga broke off her engagement to Christian Carino. The two are reportedly looking for a piano.

As her mother awaits sentencing in the Operation Varsity Blues college admissions scandal, the daughter of Felicity Huffman and William H. Macy has graduated from high school. In lieu of gifts, she has asked that friends and family fuck off and die.

Anna from Legal, good luck defending Comcast against claims of racial discrimination in front of the Supreme Court! You always did like a challenge.

Justin Bieber tweeted Sunday that he would like to fight Tom Cruise “in the octagon.” Cruise responded that Bieber should stop talking before he ended up like the last person who wanted to fight him, Shelly Miscavige.

The Illinois state legislature has officially approved the use of recreational marijuana by adults in the state. Donald Trump has responded by sending National Guard troops to Chicago.

Jerry, you did not survive Chernobyl.

An estimated 1.03 million protesters flooded the streets of Hong Kong Sunday to oppose a proposed law that would allow the local government to extradite fugitives to places such as mainland China and Macau. “We are very angry,” one protestor told the South China Morning Post, “that nobody realizes this is a gay pride parade.”

An English woman has been arrested after she punctured the famous “baby Trump” balloon flown by protesters to mark the businessman’s recent visit to the UK. “Yes! Yes! I stabbed baby Trump!” the woman was heard shouting as police led her away, “And I didn’t have to go back in time to do it!”

Have you ever dreamed of working for a Fortune 500 company? Well work harder! We didn’t qualify yet again.

A series of photos appearing to depict a pregnant Marilyn Monroe are being sold for $90,000. Monroe’s estate has disputed the authenticity of the photos, which also show John F. Kennedy pointing at the actress’ belly and mouthing “That’s mine.”

Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin has announced that, due to security concerns, the redesign of the $20 bill featuring Harriet Tubman will be delayed until 2028. “This design must be implemented correctly, as it would be much easier to counterfeit,” Mnuchin said in a statement, “because all black people look the same.”

Hadestown… that’s the sequel to On The Town, right?

Oh, who gives a fuck.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Tuesday, 11/18/14

This is a big day.

It’s… it’s…

THE RETURN OF THE MEMO.

La CucaraCHA, La CucaraCHA… dadadadadadadadaaaaaaaaaaaa.

I’ll admit it’s been a busy couple months juggling my duties as head of NFL PR and an unmanned drone, but rewarding nonetheless.  Not as rewarding, however…

AS THE BUSINESS.

Let’s get right to it.

Russian President Vladimir Putin caused a stir recently when he draped a shawl over Chinese First Lady Peng Liyuan at a state dinner in Beijing.  Putin insists the act was done “purely out of respect,” and that he “could sleep with her if [he] wanted to- anytime, anywhere.”

A new survey has determined that Colgate University boasts the most dateable college alumni.  “I love dating people from Colgate,” said respondent Jordan Gross, 25, of New York City, “I never feel intellectually threatened.”

Seattle’s Erotic Bakery, which specialized in cakes depicting the human anatomy for almost 30 years, has closed.  “Our business started strong,” said owner Kimmie Barnett, “but I just couldn’t keep it up.”

Anna, you look positively radiant!  That koala poop really works!

A state representative in Washington has been re-elected despite being deceased.  In related news, the state’s legalization of marijuana has been a resounding success.

According to a recent study, half of all available jobs are never advertised.  Keep up the good work, HR.

Wheel of Fortune host Pat Sajak walked off the set of one of the show’s “Best Friends Week” episodes in Hawaii after two sets of contestants gave horse-related answers to the same incomplete puzzle.  Apparently, Sajak was unaware that bestiality is both legal and encouraged in the state.

Jerry, it’s been almost three months.  Let it go.

Newlyweds Donnie Wahlberg and Jenny McCarthy will star in an A&E docu-series about their marriage.  The show’s working title is “Nobody Cares.”

Netflix has petitioned the FCC to block the proposed Comcast-Time Warner Cable merger.  The FCC has started the bidding for its ruling at $25,000,000.

Over 80% of America’s cocaine supply is laced with a veterinary drug that eats flesh.  Its name is Andy Dick.

Chinese doctors have discovered a 24-year-old woman born without a cerebellum, the part of the brain responsible for balance, posture, and speech.  In accordance with the country’s population control laws, she has been executed.

The Thanksgiving turkey drive is in full swing!  Same rules as last year- whoever donates the most turkeys gets a Cadillac El Dorado, second gets a set of steak knives, and third gets fired.  Good luck!

The mansion from the classic film The Godfather is up for sale.  “There’s only one catch,” advertises real estate broker Connie Profaci, “once you go in, you can never get out.”

Blackberry is suing Ryan Seacrest’s company Typo for copyright infringement.  “We believe that Typo is trying to steal what makes Blackberry great,” Blackberry CEO John S. Chen said in a statement, “what is that again?”

Pope Francis has declared that the Big Bang theory and evolution are “proven fact.”  As a result, he will now burn in hell.

A recently released video from 1995 shows dangerous orca behavior at SeaWorld Ohio.  “This footage proves nothing,” said SeaWorld spokesperson Elaine Griffin.  “Being both black and white, Kayla the orca was simply sorting out her conflicting feelings about the OJ Simpson trial.”

Researchers in Australia have determined that cities are making spiders grow bigger and live longer.  “And the worst part is,” said scientist Roy Chambers of the Australian Research Council, “they’ve started mating with bankers.”

It’s football season… who’s up for a group shower?

-The Chairman

PS- Jon from digital is just killing it with these VIDEOS.

PPS- In my time away, I’ve developed a “social media presence.”  Don’t worry… it’s not fatal.  Like me on Facebook!!

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/19/14

Hope you all had a nice Valentine’s Day WITHOUT ME.  Let’s get right to the heartbreak, I MEAN, business.

A recently released document shows that the head of the U.S. special forces ordered the destruction of all images of Osama Bin Laden’s body within two weeks of the raid that killed the Al Qaeda leader.  The special protocol has only been employed twice before, for dangerous terrorist leaders Elvis Presley and Tupac Shakur.

Chevron has given residents of Bobtown, Pennsylvania coupons for free pizza after a fracking well exploded in their town.  “Hell yeah,” said local Sam Clifton, 31, “fracking rocks!”

Charlie Sheen is engaged to porn star Brett Rossi.  The happy couple is set to break the Guinness World Record for unique STDs in a marriage, with 25.

Let’s all bid a big “Aloha!” to Anna from the cafeteria!  She won last week’s raffle and will be enjoying an all-expenses paid week in Hawaii with her beau, Frédéric Prinz von Anhalt.  Don’t tell Zsa Zsa!

Facebook is buying messaging giant WhatsApp for $19 billion, in a desperate attempt to bring back the poke.
 
A 101 year-old Florida man has announced he is running for congress, just as soon as he finishes this Matlock marathon.

Jerry, leave the girl scouts alone.  Let them sell their cookies.

A new study suggests that many animals see in ultraviolet.  No one is safe.

Nigerian police shut down a hotel restaurant that had been serving human flesh after finding two human heads wrapped in cellophane inside.  “Gimme a break,” said head chef Leo Adibe, “do you know how hard it is to get that Michelin Star?”

The United States won the gold medal in ice dancing, sparking outrage among those who thought Canada should ha… what?  Huh?  Oh, sorry, I must have nodded off.
 
The office aviary has a new species on display!  C’mon up to the thirteenth floor- the Guerrero Brush Finch isn’t gonna watch itself!

A Miami artist has destroyed a $1 million Ai Weiwei vase as an act of protest.  When asked what he was protesting, Maximo Caminero replied, “High vase prices!  C’mon down to Caminero’s Discount Vase Emporium!  We have over 500 different types of rare and hard-to-find vases, including those from-“ before being subdued by police.
 
Michael Sam Sr., father of recently outed NFL prospect and University of Missouri standout Michael Sam, is struggling with the news that his son is gay.  “It’s just that he’s about to make millions of dollars,” Sam Sr. said, “and piss it all away on high-waisted cut offs.”

Hope you’ve all enjoyed this late night memo.  I’m just at the office putting the finishing touches on our merger with Comcast and Time Warner.  Don’t worry… it’s gonna go through.  Monopolies!

-The Chairman

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