Internal Memo for Wednesday, 5/22/19

Valar Morghulis.

Valar Dohaeris.

Valar… Business.

For the first time ever, a great white shark has been spotted in the Long Island Sound. The shark settled near Greenwich, Connecticut, where it easily blended in.

At an annual charity hockey game in which he scored eight goals, Russian President Vladimir Putin tripped over a rug on the ice while waving to fans. Putin called the incident “an act of NATO aggression that will not be tolerated.”

Congratulations, Anna from Legal, on publishing your first book! Dukakis: An Erotic Journey can’t not be a hit.

A record 13.6 million viewers took in the series finale of Game of Thrones Sunday night, all from the same HBOGO account.

In further Thrones news, when conservative website The Daily Wire turned a quote from character Syrio Forel into a meme disparaging socialism, the actor who plays Forel, Milton Yerolemou, took to Twitter to express his displeasure. Many conservatives were surprised to learn that someone in a show that glorifies torture and inherited wealth while breaking all of the promises made to its supporters over the years did not share their views.

Jerry, you are not the new Matlock.

Australian Prime Minister Scott Morrison was re-elected last week, despite his Liberal-National Coalition trailing in the polls for over two years. Donald Trump reportedly called to congratulate Morrison on his “big victory” and urged him not to take the country in the direction of its neighbor, Germany.

Taiwan has become the first Asian country to legalize same-sex marriage. Under the “one China” policy, the preceding sentence is nonsense.

Thanks to everyone who came out last Saturday to commemorate the ninth anniversary of Joe Sestak’s historic victory over Arlen Specter in the 2010 US Senate Democratic primary in Pennsylvania! That was some gooooood scrapple.

Actress Scarlett Johansson is engaged to SNL performer Colin Jost. “Scarlett’s already been married twice, which shows that love is a fleeting thing that ends not with eternal happiness but a bitter and lasting disappointment that strips us of our innocence and forces us to confront our own mortality in ways that lead to self-harm and perhaps the harm of others,” Johansson’s publicist said in a statement. “And the couple is very happy.”

Washington has become the first state to allow human remains to be composted. “This is an outrage,” one lawmaker who opposed the measure told reporters, “people will be rolling in their graves.”

You know nothing, Jon Sno- er, David Benioff.

Seriously, fuck that guy.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Thursday, 3/7/19

Dear Caravan Migrants,

My apologies for the delay in releasing this week’s memo- we have been in the midst of a MAJOR CRISIS. In light of Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen’s disturbing testimony yesterday, I am instituting a hiring freeze on potential employees from all Central American countries. I am also ordering the erection of an intentionally disorganized tent city near Gate C at Parking Lot 5 to house all those who came for interviews but will no longer be admitted. For decades, these countries have been sending the company their worst, and we are just now realizing it. I have been asleep at the wheel, but rest assured that from now on, I will be very “woke.”

BUSINESS.

California’s Santa Anita Racetrack has suspended racing indefinitely after 21 horses had to be put down over the past 2 months. Experts predict the 2020 Democratic primary will soon be canceled for similar reasons.

According to the Federal Reserve Bank of New York, 7 million Americans are at least 90 days overdue on their car payments, a worrying sign for the economy. The news comes at the start of year three of the controversial Trump administration policy “Too Small Not To Fail.”

Anna from Accounting, 900 beads??

Jeopardy! host Alex Trebek has been diagnosed with Stage 4 pancreatic cancer. When asked how hard the condition will be to treat, Trebek replied, “It’s not too bad- maybe a $600 in Potent Potables.”

An unvaccinated French child has reportedly reintroduced the measles virus to Costa Rica while on vacation there with his family. French President Emmanuel Macron has said he worries the incident will ruin the French reputation for being “an extremely hygienic people.”

Jerry, your “brand value” is not $4 billion.

Last April, police fined a Connecticut man for using a cell phone while driving, but the driver maintains that the phone in question was actually a hash brown. When asked by a judge why he did not eat the hash brown at any point, the man replied, “Cause I was busy on my phone.”

A novel antidepressant is poised to come on the market, the first such drug to debut in decades. Doctors are calling the drug “three years too late.”

In honor of this week’s NFL combine, stop by the second-floor cafeteria for your comprehensive physical evaluation! Remember, your short shuttle time determines your health insurance premium.

A new in-depth report by ESPN has revealed that disgraced former NBA referee Tim Donaghy not only bet on games he officiated, but may have fixed their outcomes. “We have officially launched an internal investigation,” New York Knicks owner James Dolan said of the report, “into whether Tim Donaghy refereed every single Knicks game of the past twenty years.”

At a recent advisory committee meeting, Donald Trump called Apple CEO Tim Cook “Tim Apple.” Trump later said he meant it as a term of endearment, like “Mike VP” or “Melania Stockholm Syndrome.”

Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a chain-link fence enclosed into a chamber on a concrete floor.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Sunday, 7/17/16

Good Evening,

I’ve heard some disturbing reports lately that there are those inside the company who don’t think I am “hip and with it.”  In response, I’ve decided to leave no doubt about my ability to relate to the “common man.”

This week’s memo will be entirely devoted to the “new” “hot” “app” Pokémon Go.

This’ll be weird!  Business?

The Los Angeles County Fire Department has warned people not to call 911 for help with Pokémon Go.  As a result, Angelenos are left wondering whom to call about the mysterious “Pikachu rapist.”

Usually treatable STI gonorrhea has begun showing increasing resistance to antibiotics.  With nearly 14,000 cases reported annually, gonorrhea is the second easiest thing to catch in New York City behind Rattata.

Congratulations, Anna from Maintenance, on bringing another life into this world!  It’s a Venonat!  I thought that egg would never hatch.

Two Westport, CT men ran into a naked woman vandalizing a church last week while looking for Pokémon.  It was the first naked woman that either of the men has or is ever likely to see.

Hacking collective PoodleCorp has taken responsibility for an attack that shut down the Pokémon Go servers for four hours on Saturday.  The attack is already being hailed as the “least destructive in history.”

Jerry, you are not a “Squirtlekin.”

A driver in Auburn, NY ran his car straight into a tree while playing Pokémon Go Tuesday night.  Damage to the vehicle was estimated at $14,000, making it the most expensive Geodude ever caught in the game.

A New Zealand man has quit his job to play Pokémon Go full time.  “He’ll be back,” George Kite, manager of the restaurant where Tom Currie previously worked, recently told reporters.  “Last week it was his band.”

Pokémon Go, which links to many players’ Google accounts, has ignited a multitude of privacy concerns.  “Mark my words: it won’t be long before there’s an ‘Edward Snowden of Pokémon Go,’” Georgetown law professor Michael Braintree recently told reporters.  “My money’s on Golbat.”

I just caught a Goldeen in a Fika!

Retailers could soon begin paying Niantic, the company that makes Pokémon Go, to become important locations in the game.  Analysts say the development could attract a significant number of customers under 13, many of whom have no idea what a store is.

A new subreddit has been started to track strange “Pokéstops,” landmarks that players are encouraged to visit as part of Pokémon Go.  Some of the stranger sites include a strip club, a church of Scientology, and 875 South Bundy Drive in Los Angeles.

Spearow Agnew, I CHOOSE YOU!

-The Chairman

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