Internal Memo for Wednesday, 4/25/18

Hello Freak Athletes,

The NFL Draft starts tomorrow! Or, as I like to call it, CTEaster. Who is risen? Who is fallen? Who is a domestic abuser?

Buckle up those chin straps and LET’S FIND SOME GOOD EGGS.

BUSINESS.

Doctor Ronny Jackson, Donald Trump’s nominee for Secretary of Veterans’ Affairs, may not be confirmed after reports he doled out prescriptions “like candy” and drank on the job. In light of this new information, legislators recommend Jackson return immediately to his position as Trump’s personal physician.

A YouTube celebrity recently said “Gucci Gang” one million times for charity. The charity has since returned all proceeds, citing a healthy level of shame.

You da bomb, Anna from Stratego!

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers will use a parrot to announce some of the team’s picks during the upcoming NFL Draft. There is a chance the parrot will be announcing itself, as it recently flew a 4.2 40.

US Citizenship and Immigration Services’ new mission statement no longer calls the United States “a nation of immigrants.” Donald Trump says the decision was made “out of respect for the tremendous sacrifice of Native American and indigenous peoples across this great land.”

No, Jerry, those are not dumplings.

A naked gunman opened fire at a Waffle House in Tennessee over the weekend, killing four. “I used to be all for guns, but now I’m not so sure,” local resident Tim Gentry told reporters after the incident. “Schools are one thing, but church is sacred.”

North Korean leader Kim Jong Un has announced he will close his country’s main nuclear test site. He has since announced the opening of a new site in South Korea.

There is nothing more malleable than the human heart. That’s according to our newest artist in residence, Theodore Walpole, whose latest exhibition Real Human Organs is on view through Saturday in the second-floor atrium. Donate!

New regulations proposed by the Trump administration would allow restaurant owners and managers to take a share of servers’ tips, so long as those servers make minimum wage. Trump has called the plan “an important way to reward risk-taking, entrepreneurial Americans who watch other people work.”

Residents of New York’s Brooklyn Heights neighborhood are complaining that local rats have grown huge from eating the trash from a neighborhood Chipotle. “We’re actively working to poison these rats,” company spokesperson Quinn Kelsey told the New York Post. “Have you tried our queso?”

Remember: If the shell isn’t cracked, the yolk inside is juuuuust fiiiiiine.

Now get back in there and HIT SOMEONE.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Sunday, 3/27/16

Good Evening,

Let me start by apologizing for the incident with the Easter Bunny we hired for yesterday’s party.  I can assure you we had no idea he was a registered sex offender, or that his costume could do that.

Otherwise, the party was a success!  Business!

A recently released video shows a worker at a Kellogg’s factory in Tennessee urinating on a batch of Rice Krispies Treats cereal.  The company is said to be “furious” that the video leaked, as it showed how the product was given its “snap” and “crackle.”

Pope Francis has joined Instagram, prompting outrage from church officials who believe he already has no filter.

Congratulations to Anna from Inventory on receiving her first communion!  Steve, thanks again for taking advantage of Bring Your Daughter to Work Day two years ago.

A new study shows that many popular brands of chocolate contain unhealthy amounts of heavy metals.  In addition to chocolate, the study found excessive toxins in chicken, water, and American politics.

Speaking of “politics,” a Breitbart reporter has accused Donald Trump’s campaign manager of grabbing and bruising her arm at a rally in Florida.  “Yeah, I did that,” the accused, Corey Lewandowski, told reporters.  “It’s called flirting.”

Jerry, Easter has never been a day of ritual sacrifice.

Actor and philanderer Ben Affleck’s infamous back tattoo of a phoenix is apparently fake.  Surprisingly, his latest film, Batman v Superman, is not.

The LA County Coroner’s Office has not ruled out reopening its six-year-old investigation into Brittany Murphy’s death.  “It appears we may no longer be…” new Chief Coroner David Caruso told reporters while slowly donning a pair of sunglasses, “clueless.”

Please join us in the tenth floor cafeteria this Tuesday night for “Easter?  I hardly know her!”, an evening of standup comedy inspired by sexual miscommunication!  Ages 4 and up, please.

California is raising its minimum wage to $15/hour.  “The more people who think they can make it in this state, the better,” Governor Jerry Brown announced on Friday, “plus, after taxes, it’s more like $3.”

For the first time, an NFL official has acknowledged the link between football and the degenerative brain condition CTE.  “Oh yeah, the evidence is there,” admitted the league’s senior vice president for health, Jeff Miller, “and it’s just another in a long line of compelling storylines that make watching our fair sport great.”

Jesus, we know you’re in there… come out with your hands up!

-The Chairman

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