Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/13/19

Hello Potential Sexual Partners,

As you’ve no doubt sensed, tomorrow is Valentine’s Day! I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that this day is like any other at the office, in that I am the only person powerful enough to make routine, inappropriate advances without fear of repercussions. Even in this climate!

Business!

A 24-year-old Texas man has died after his vape pen exploded in his hand, severing a key artery to his brain. Scientists are calling the tragic accident “a powerful metaphor.”

At an awards event last April, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos revealed his disdain for the term “work-life balance.” “They are actually two entirely separate entities,” Bezos told the crowd, “You work, I live.”

“My candle burns at both ends; but goddamn am I hot.” – Anna from Sales, after St. Vincent Millay

A London man has been fined $1,300 for filming himself having a threesome on the Tube. The fine is equal to about half the tips he made.

Gucci has discontinued sales of one of its sweaters after several Internet observers noted its resemblance to blackface. “To be honest, it hasn’t been a huge hit,” Marketing Director Ryan Barnes said in a statement, “It was really only selling in Virginia.”

Jerry, you are not the quarterbacks coach of the San Diego Fleet.

In a recent interview with CNN, White House advisor Kellyanne Conway claimed she was assaulted in a Maryland restaurant last year while her daughters watched. “If I ever meet the woman who did it,” Conway’s husband George told reporters in the wake of the interview, “I’m gonna shake her hand.”

Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman reportedly told an aide in 2017 that he would use “a bullet” on Jamal Khashoggi, the Washington Post journalist who was brutally murdered by Saudi officials last year. “I’m sorry,” bin Salman said in response to the report, “did I say bone saw?”

It has come to my attention that, in last week’s memo, I confused the prior decisions of Supreme Court justices Neil Gorsuch and Brett Kavanaugh. My apologies! It was an easy mistake, as both are straight white men who have never committed sexual assault.

The United States Justice Department filed criminal charges last month against Chinese technology giant Huawei amidst allegations of intellectual property theft and fraud. “We were hoping not to have to do this immediately,” Acting Attorney General Matthew Whitaker said at a press conference, “but then we thought, Huaweit?”

While visiting a Georgia congressman this week, members of a federal worker’s union discovered a book about Robert E. Lee on display, opened to a page that asserted black people were “better off” enslaved in America than free in Africa. “That’s a great book,” Republican Representative Drew Ferguson told reporters after the incident, “and they should be glad we didn’t have it opened to a different page.”

Remember: don’t be Cupid, be cupidinous!

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/14/18

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Allow me, fellow Olympians of existential angst, to light the torch of this memo. I am honored that you have selected me, your most humble and athletically gifted Chairman, to open these word games that will light the world with the flame of knowledge. Thank you, thank you, thank you- from the bottom of my über-competitive heart.

Now, you know the drill: no medal, no job.

BUSINESS.

A firm contracted by FEMA to deliver 30 million meals to Puerto Rico in the aftermath of Hurricane Maria only delivered 50,000. The agency says the discrepancy is easily explained by the contractor’s need for, quote, “profit.”

Experts say the recently passed GOP tax bill may result in more divorces, thanks to its removal of a specific write-off for alimony payments. Lawmakers reportedly added the provision after heavy lobbying by Melania Trump.

Anna from the Austria office, you were right as always… they SHOULD’VE postponed the women’s slopestyle final! How did they expect you to land your Cab Double Cork 900 kicker with those winds?!?!

A pride of lions mauled and ate a suspected poacher last week in South Africa. The incident begs the question why lions don’t do that more often.

United Airlines is honoring a travel voucher from 1998 that a North Carolina man recently found under his bed. Coincidentally, the landmark decision represents the first time since 1998 that a major US airline has demonstrated any semblance of human decency.

Jerry, that figure skater is 15.

With his men’s halfpipe victory Tuesday night, snowboarder Shaun White became the first American male to win a gold medal at three different Winter Olympics. Like prior champion snowboarders, the 31-year-old White will now be put out to stud in Aspen with four bodacious hotties and 16 pounds of dank nug.

In a move aimed at boosting the country’s reputation on the international stage, North Korea sent over 200 cheerleaders to the Olympic Games across the border in PyeongChang. Many have marveled the beauties’ extremely effective skincare regimen, which the regime describes only as “peasants.”

Please note that, due to the current climate, we will not be celebrating Valentine’s Day this year. This means no cards, no chocolates, and definitely no dressing up like Cupid and pretending your hands are his arrows.

Citing insufficient evidence, the E! Network has dropped its investigation into American Idol host Ryan Seacrest after a former hairdresser alleged sexual misconduct. “There’s just not much to Ryan Seacrest,” the network said in a statement. “Period.”

Last week, cameras caught a woman abandoning her newborn baby in a bathroom at the Tucson airport. “This was a potentially terrible situation,” Sherriff Stephen Tucker told reporters in the wake of the incident. “Nobody wants to fly with a baby.”

FUN FACT: The Olympic rings are vaguely racist!

The more you know…

-The Chairman

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