Internal Memo for Thursday, 7/5/18

My company tiiiiis of thee
Sweet land of P-R-O-F-I-T
My boss is kiiiiiiing
Job where my fathers died
Job of my swallowed pride
Whene’er my boss decides
Money I will briiiiiiing

Happy Fifth of July, (A)Un(t)cle Sam(ette)s! Just your friendly neighborhood freedom lover over here recovering from his right to beer arms! That’s right: Beer arms! Get it?? I had ‘em!

Now, I understand that some of you are distraught from the complete and utter lack of a memo last week. AND from not receiving your usual delivery this week. Well to that I say: Let’s make it a double! From the land that brought you PB & J, Sonny & Cher, and Diamond & Silk, not to mention two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun, I give you: A DOUBLE MEMO.

It’s gonna be bloated, like the bureaucracy!

JUST as our forefathers intended…

BUSINESS.

Justice Anthony Kennedy has announced he will retire from the Supreme Court. During his tenure, Kennedy took part in several influential decisions that no American can name.

A new billboard in Texas tells liberals to keep driving until they’ve left the state. Several left-leaning groups have come out against the sign, saying, “We don’t need a billboard.”

Starbucks has announced that it will close 150 stores next year. Analysts say the chain is losing ground to competitors such as Dunkin Donuts, Argo Tea, and public restrooms.

Saturday Night Live actor Pete Davidson and pop star Ariana Grande, both 24, are engaged. The pair are said to have led “remarkably similar” lives, in that both have been short.

Anna from Nutrition, thanks for setting out those guidelines for yesterday’s barbeque! Nobody followed them!

Following a judging error at this year’s Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest, Major League Eating is considering moving from human to digital judges. “We just think digital judges are more reliable,” Major League Eating President Rich Shea told ESPN, “and less likely to get eaten.”

Manila, Philippines tops the latest edition of Deutsche Bank’s annual list of cheapest destinations to buy a beer, with an average of price $1.50. As a bonus, the price includes dysentery.

EPA Chief Scott Pruitt has resigned. Sources say he saw a $10 bill outside his office and just bolted.

In further Pruitt news, the former Oklahoma Attorney General wrote in his resignation letter that Trump was serving because of “God’s providence.” Trump, whose staff reads all written material to him, excitedly replied, “He’s right- I have a prominent rod.”

Jerry, please stop saying the Revolutionary War was about states’ rights.

Several Los Angeles residents have been victimized by a scam involving three Russians and a Prius. I had always heard it as four Russians and a Prius, but same difference.

LeBron James is leaving the Cleveland Cavaliers for a second time and joining the Los Angeles Lakers. Those close to James say he wanted to finally put to rest the idea that he only cared about winning.

Explorers in Mexico have discovered that the country’s Sistema Huautla cave, one of the largest in the world, is even bigger than previously thought. Donald Trump has since vowed to send troops into the cave in the hopes of finding Hillary’s emails.

The woman who shouted “Fuck you” at Donald Trump last month has been identified as Congressional intern Caitlin Marriott. Marriott was later identified as three exceptionally gifted but starving migrant children in a trench coat.

Today is National Bikini Day! Let’s nuke those Q3 goals!!

The contestant pool on this season of The Bachelorette includes a sex offender and a conspiracy theorist. Considering the rest of the contestants, both are thought to be heavy favorites.

Delta Airlines has banned pit bulls as service dogs. The act is the result of a misunderstanding about why many Delta customers fear for their safety.

New York City saw a record 62.8 million tourists in 2017. Remarkably, not all were beloved.

A retired English teacher recently returned a letter from Donald Trump with edits. Before giving it to their boss, aides adapted the letter into a 15-minute video praising Trump for his handling of tariffs.

The memo is never late. Like freedom, it always comes right on time.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 1/24/18

Good morning, all.  It has come to my attention that, due to recent high temperatures at our Sydney office, some of our most vigilant attack bats have died.  This has left our colleagues down under perilously open to potential danger, as Australia is a land of convicts.  Thus, I am instituting the first companywide draft since the 1960s- all men, women, and children over the age of 13 will be required to register with our new Mandatory Service Office and await further instruction.  Semper prodest!

BUSINESS.

Federal immigration authorities last week raided dozens of 7-Eleven stores around the country in search of unlawfully employed illegal immigrants.  The raids were said to be the result of a misunderstanding after Attorney General Jeff Sessions watched The Problem with Apu.

A Russian couple suspected of killing and eating up to 30 victims has been apprehended.  The husband and wife were reportedly caught with their hands in the hand jar.

Congratulations, Anna from Accounts Receivable, on your new baby!  Sorry you have to give it to Kim and Kanye :(.

While awaiting retrial on charges of sexual assault, Bill Cosby performed an impromptu standup comedy set at Philadelphia’s La Rose Jazz Club Monday night.  Sources say the club featured a special cocktail for the evening.

A vacation home where President Obama occasionally stayed with his family from 2008 to 2011 is available to rent at a reported $3,500 a night.  The property’s listing says it is in Hawaii, but many people are saying it is actually located in Kenya.

Jerry, this company was not the inspiration for Get Out.

Delta Airlines has adopted new guidelines prohibiting passengers from traveling with certain emotional support animals such as turkeys and ferrets.  “If turkeys were meant to fly,” Delta said in a statement, “God would have given them wings.”

In further Delta news, the airline is one of multiple carriers considering charging passengers on flights from the United States to Europe for checked baggage.  Delta says the move will allow the company to lower fares, then raise them again in a few months.

Thinking about violating your NDA?  Don’t!

2018 has already seen over a dozen cases of poisoning from the so-called “Tide pod challenge,” a game in which teenagers dare each other to eat the eponymous laundry detergent capsules.  Police across the nation are asking teens to come clean.

Missouri Governor Eric Greitens has admitted to an affair with his former hairdresser.  “What can I say?” Greitens said at a recent press conference, “She gives a mean blowout.”

Vladimir… Bubbles… Drac… you’re all going on the Wall of Honor.  R.I.T(rees).

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Friday, 7/4/14

Happy Friday!  What’s a “holiday”?
 
Whitney Wolfe, co-founder of the popular dating app “Tinder,” has filed a sexual harassment lawsuit against the company.  “In three years of working there,” Wolfe told reporters, “not one employee swiped me forward.”

Al Qaeda splinter group ISIL has declared an Islamic Caliphate in the Middle East, eliciting several groans from Ms. Peabody’s eighth grade government class.

Welcome back, Anna from HR!  We all knew you were innocent.

Louis Zamperini, World War II hero and subject of the book “Unbroken: A World War II Story of Survival, Resilience, and Redemption,” died Wednesday at the age of 97.  Or at least that’s what the Nazis think.

A Delta Airlines supervisor stands accused of defrauding the company of $22 million.  If found guilty, he will be forced to fly Delta the rest of his life.

Jerry, Betsy Ross died in 1836.

Sunday’s Pride March in Toronto ended with a natural rainbow appearing in the sky, proving once again that Canadian gays are the luckiest people on Earth.

Facebook is in hot water over its involvement in an experiment designed to manipulate people’s emotional states.  The experiment, called “Facebook,” is believed to still be occurring.
 
Celebrate America today with James from marketing!  Please… his wife left him.

Gary Oldman has apologized for making anti-Semitic remarks in a recent Playboy interview.  “I am deeply sorry,” Oldman said in a statement, “for those of you who read Playboy for the interviews.”

Hurricane Arthur briefly made landfall in North Carolina today, but was quickly blown northwards by millions of residents taking their shirts off and twisting them ‘round their heads, spinning them like helicopters.

George Washington was a racist!

-The Chairman

PS- Thanks, Jon from digital, for this HILARIOUS video!

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