Thaaaaaaat’s riiiiiiiiight: I’m BACK, BABAY. Fresh off my extended quarantine on the Diamond Princess, I’m here to bring you all up to speed on the myriad happenings of the past couple of months. After a battery of tests, I can officially say that I am now virus-free, though there’s a high probability I infected several hundred persons with whom I came into contact while contagious. The global economy, am I right? Can’t beat it.
But seriously: I’d like to honor the brave men and women lost in our Wuhan office due to massive layoffs. This is another reminder that working from home is never a viable option, and threatens to erode company culture and office morale if practiced for even a day. Just say no (to remote work).
Division II Grand Valley State University has suspended the offensive coordinator of its football team after he told the campus newspaper he would like to have dinner with Hitler because, “the way he was able to lead was second-to-none.” Coach Berger has since issued a statement of apology reading, “I clearly meant to say second to our head football coach Mr. Matt Mitchell.”
Ben & Jerry’s has released three new flavors of non-dairy ice cream made with sunflower butter. The company says the flavors are designed for those with “severe taste allergies.”
Anna, I can’t wait to be in you tomorrow!
Since my last missive to you all, Marianne Williamson and Andrew Yang have dropped out of the presidential race. Many Democrats are left wondering which of the remaining candidates will advocate for important ideas like universal basic income and cupping.
Greece is threatening to demand the repatriation of the Elgin Marbles from England as part of Brexit negotiations. British Prime Minister Boris Johnson has said he is open to the idea, “as long as they take the Poles, too.”
Jerry, you did not star in Parasite.
Among Donald Trump’s recent controversial pardons and commutations was that of Rudy Giuliani’s former bodyguard (and former NYPD commissioner) Bernard Kerik. “Bernie’s a great man,” Trump told reporters Tuesday, “and I couldn’t pardon Rudy yet.”
Right-wing calls for a second Civil War revolving around the term “boogaloo” are gaining traction on some online platforms. Many self-identified members of the “movement” say they’re happy to have online friends.
In honor of the Democratic debate tonight, there’s free candy in Conference Room C! It’s free, but it’ll slowly kill you- just like universal healthcare!
A French amateur soccer player has been banned from competition for five years after biting an opponent’s penis. The victim has said that he blames himself, and that he wishes he’d regarded his opponent’s postgame offer of fellatio with “more suspicion.”
Burger King is announcing the removal of artificial preservatives from its hamburgers with a new ad campaign showing a Whopper growing mold over the course of 34 days. In response, Wendy’s has released an ad based on their longtime slogan “fresh, never frozen” that depicts two cows fucking.
WU-HAN! Got you all in check.