Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/19/20

Thaaaaaaat’s riiiiiiiiight: I’m BACK, BABAY. Fresh off my extended quarantine on the Diamond Princess, I’m here to bring you all up to speed on the myriad happenings of the past couple of months. After a battery of tests, I can officially say that I am now virus-free, though there’s a high probability I infected several hundred persons with whom I came into contact while contagious. The global economy, am I right? Can’t beat it.

But seriously: I’d like to honor the brave men and women lost in our Wuhan office due to massive layoffs. This is another reminder that working from home is never a viable option, and threatens to erode company culture and office morale if practiced for even a day. Just say no (to remote work).

BUSINESS.

Division II Grand Valley State University has suspended the offensive coordinator of its football team after he told the campus newspaper he would like to have dinner with Hitler because, “the way he was able to lead was second-to-none.” Coach Berger has since issued a statement of apology reading, “I clearly meant to say second to our head football coach Mr. Matt Mitchell.”

Ben & Jerry’s has released three new flavors of non-dairy ice cream made with sunflower butter. The company says the flavors are designed for those with “severe taste allergies.”

Anna, I can’t wait to be in you tomorrow!

Since my last missive to you all, Marianne Williamson and Andrew Yang have dropped out of the presidential race. Many Democrats are left wondering which of the remaining candidates will advocate for important ideas like universal basic income and cupping.

Greece is threatening to demand the repatriation of the Elgin Marbles from England as part of Brexit negotiations. British Prime Minister Boris Johnson has said he is open to the idea, “as long as they take the Poles, too.” 

Jerry, you did not star in Parasite.

Among Donald Trump’s recent controversial pardons and commutations was that of Rudy Giuliani’s former bodyguard (and former NYPD commissioner) Bernard Kerik. “Bernie’s a great man,” Trump told reporters Tuesday, “and I couldn’t pardon Rudy yet.”

Right-wing calls for a second Civil War revolving around the term “boogaloo” are gaining traction on some online platforms. Many self-identified members of the “movement” say they’re happy to have online friends.

In honor of the Democratic debate tonight, there’s free candy in Conference Room C! It’s free, but it’ll slowly kill you- just like universal healthcare!

A French amateur soccer player has been banned from competition for five years after biting an opponent’s penis. The victim has said that he blames himself, and that he wishes he’d regarded his opponent’s postgame offer of fellatio with “more suspicion.”

Burger King is announcing the removal of artificial preservatives from its hamburgers with a new ad campaign showing a Whopper growing mold over the course of 34 days. In response, Wendy’s has released an ad based on their longtime slogan “fresh, never frozen” that depicts two cows fucking.

WU-HAN! Got you all in check.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 7/10/19

Hello Wealthy Acquaintances,

I’ve never met the man. Let’s move on.

Business!

Former independent presidential candidate Ross Perot has died. According to his will, Perot requested to be buried “just close enough to Bush to make him nervous.”

A new law in Mississippi makes it illegal to label non-meat products with terms like “burger” and “hot dog.” In related news, Mississippi has become the first US state to eradicate the opioid crisis.

Congratulations, Anna from Accounts Payable, for taking a cue from the US Women’s Soccer team and advocating for equal pay within the company! The answer is no.

Scientists have spotted two supermassive black holes that appear set to collide. The Shapiro-Krassenstein debate will reportedly occur in September.

Billionaire hedge fund manager Jeffrey Epstein (whom, again, I barely know), has been charged with sex trafficking involving minors. Epstein has said the women could not possibly have been underage, because “Donald said they weren’t.”

Jerry, we don’t have an “All-Star Break.”

Bay Area congressman Eric Swalwell has dropped out of the 2020 presidential race. Swalwell left his mark during last month’s Democratic Debate when he challenged voters to remember his name.

In further 2020 campaign news, California billionaire and Democratic megadonor Tom Steyer is officially running for president. “I pledge to you, the American people,” Steyer said in an introductory press conference, “that I will somehow wind up wealthier when I soon drop out of this race.”

Mark your calendars! On August 5th, the Westboro Baptist Church will be visiting our offices as part of “Religious Freedom Awareness Week.” Diversity!

Golfer Jon Daly has withdrawn from the upcoming British Open after being denied use of a cart. Open officials have since released a statement clarifying that Daly requested a beverage cart.

NBA Finals MVP Kawhi Leonard has signed with the Los Angeles Clippers. In response, former Clippers owner Daniel Sterling has vowed never to rent a house to Leonard “or anyone who looks like him.”




Who said anything about a private island?

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Tuesday, 10/13/15

School’s back in session!

After an extended hiatus during our emotionally difficult (and financially lucrative!) restructuring process, I am back to hit you with some news of the world… like Queen!  But without the AIDS… last I checked.  Business!

A recent report on mysteriously downed Malaysia Airlines flight MH17 has concluded that the plane was destroyed by a missile fired from pro-Russian eastern Ukraine.  Russian President Vladimir Putin responded to the report by releasing a statement reading, “Ukraine?  I’ve never even heard of this ‘Ukraine!’  I want whoever wrote that report killed.”

Game of Thrones’ Emilia Clarke was named Esquire Magazine’s “Sexiest Woman Alive.”  The Esquire Network is currently developing an hour-long special on the actress, but will wait to air the program until after the Emmys, where its flagship shows Car Matchmaker and How I Rock It are expected to contend for “Best Unintentional Comedy Series.”

Speaking of “Sexiest Woman Alive,” nice hot pants, Anna from marketing!  Ah-OOO-gah!  Hubba hubba!  Boy, would I like to “get into” those things… get it?  “Get into”?  Yowza.

In the largest beer merger ever, Anheuser Busch InBev is buying SABMiller for $104 billion.  To celebrate the deal, the new megaconglomerate will be brewing a limited edition “Monopoly Lager,” an American-style light lager that will combine the unique types of urine found in both Miller Lite and Bud Lite.

Guy Pearce has taken to Twitter to confirm his split with his wife of 18 years, Kate Mestitz.  It is still unconfirmed, however, whether Pearce is the Guy who tried to blow up the British Parliament or the one who directed Snatch.

Fugitive actor Randy Quaid was arrested last Friday when he and his wife were caught trying to cross the Vermont border into Canada.  “Ahhhhh… a jail in Vermont,” Quaid was quoted as saying after the arrest.  “This is where Randy Quaid belongs.”

Yes, Jerry, I know he is now a “free agent,” and no, we will not be employing Jared as our spokesman.

Leonardo DiCaprio has agreed to produce an upcoming movie on Volkswagen’s emissions debacle, a scandal that could cost the company up to $18 billion in fines.  “It is my sincere hope,” DiCaprio said at his press conference, “that this movie can do justice to what can only be described as the worst thing the Germans have done in the past 100 years: cheated clean diesel fuel emissions tests.”

Playboy has announced that it will remove fully nude pictures from its print magazine.  “We’re doing what?” said founder Hugh Hefner, 89, when informed of the decision.  “What’s ‘the Internet’?”

Don’t forget to watch the first Democratic debate tonight!  We’re sponsoring it, so we’re counting on plenty of product placement.  And tell your friends to vote Bernie!  He is toooooootally serious about “redistribution.”

Archaeologists believe they have discovered the remains of the Biblical city of Sodom in eastern Jordan.  Information on the find has been scarce, as thus far all frontline researchers have turned into pillars of salt.

Reality TV personality-cum-presidential candidate Donald Trump will host Saturday Night Live on November 7th.  He has reportedly spent months preparing the show’s cold open: his campaign.

Iran’s conservative parliament approved the country’s nuclear deal Tuesday, opening the door for better relations with the West.  The Iranian government celebrated the news in its typical fashion, by killing a couple of gays.

It has come to my attention that I should apologize for my earlier comments regarding Anna from marketing.  I would like to express my deepest apologies to anyone I may have offended- I was unaware at the time that the term “hot pants” could be a trigger for people who may have seen a very disturbing scene from the otherwise classic arthouse comedy Grown Ups 2.  Please accept my sincerest condolences and do not bring this matter to HR, as they are overburdened with all the layoffs.  Thank you for your cooperation.

Anna, you exude a very sexual energy.

-The Chairman

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