Loyal minions, oh so much has happened since our last correspondence. Tapes were leaked, pussies were grabbed, and America finally came to terms with the fact that it is an unrepentantly sexist gloryhole that can only be reborn in fire.
I’ll light the first match! BUSINESS.
British insurance company More Than has commissioned artist Dominic Wilcox to create the first-ever contemporary art exhibition for dogs. The installation has caused much consternation in the British academy, as many critics have deemed it, dismissively, “pup art.”
Last month, Russian hackers infiltrated the World Anti-Doping Agency database and published medical records for Olympic athletes such as Simone Biles and Venus and Serena Williams. After the WADA attack and a similar one on the Democratic National Committee, the only thing Russian hackers still haven’t been able to get into is a vagina.
Let’s all welcome Anna from HR back from her long, productive stint in rehab! Sometimes to truly understand the rules, you have to break them repeatedly.
Reddit users have discovered that Internet sensation Ken Bone, who gained fame for asking a question about energy policy at the second presidential debate, admitted on the site to committing insurance fraud and believing the shooting of Trayvon Martin was justified. User Rand0mzz281 expressed frustration with Bone on the subreddit r/SexWithDeadDogs, stating “Yo, this dude is sic.” He later added, “dat sweater doe.”
The most expensive flight in the world is now Etihad Airlines first-class trip from New York City to Mumbai, India, checking in at $38,000 one-way. Of course, the fare is only available to Kshatriyas and above.
Jerry, it rubs the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again.
For the first time in recorded history, atmospheric carbon levels have reached 400 parts per million at their annual minimum, a measurement that some scientists are calling the planet’s “point of no return.” Director Michael Bay has already optioned a film with that title, starring Scarlett Johansson as sexy scientist May Bescrewed and Vin Diesel as carbon.
On the heels of her husband’s recently leaked comments regarding women’s genitalia, Melania Trump wore a “pussy-bow” shirt to the second presidential debate. The act represents the only moment of genuine self-awareness in the entire 2016 campaign.
Russian state television cut a recent weather report during which it referenced a possible nuclear attack on America. “We’re very sorry,” a network executive said in a statement, “for tipping our hand.”
A new study suggests that human beings may only be able to live to 115 years old. This comes as a relief to many millennials, who can now target 2035 as the year they no longer have to hear about “The Greatest Generation.”
That’s Bill Cosby. He was the first to go.