Internal Memo for Wednesday, 4/10/19

Buenos Dias,

Spring has sprung, minions! And you know what that means…

Baseball! After the White House’s decision to cancel an agreement that would’ve made it easier for Cuban players come to the US, we’ve decided to step up our “humanitarian relief” efforts in the country! From now on, we’ll be receiving ~75% of any contracts signed by our clients for the rest of their careers. Capitalism >>>>>>> Communism.

PLAY BALL! I mean, BUSINESS!

The Mormon Church has reversed its stance on same-sex couples, no longer considering their unions apostasy and allowing for their children to be baptized. The ruling does not affect the children of same-sex Holocaust victims, as they have already been baptized.

The Federal Election Commission has levied a fine of $390,000 on a pro-Jeb Bush super PAC that received a $1.3 million donation from a Chinese firm during the 2016 election cycle. According to campaign filings, $1.2 million of the gift was used to develop the slogan “Jeb!”

Beer before liquor, never been sicker? Not for Anna the intern, who took down a case of Bud Light and chased it with a fifth of Aristocrat vodka without puking during sorority pledging this weekend! Delta Delta Delta she can help ya help ya HELP YA.

Harvard is looking into allegations that the school’s fencing coach made a sweetheart real estate deal with the parents of two student-athletes that may have affected the students’ admission. “We had no idea how much épéed,” the school’s compliance office said in a statement, “or we would have foiled his plans.”

Breaking with the policies of his predecessor Jeff Sessions, Attorney General William Barr has ordered an investigation into the Department of Justice’s treatment of LGBTQ employees. “Mr. Sessions refusal to look into these issues has made it very difficult to discern who our LGBTQ staff members are,” Barr told reporters, “and eliminate them.”

Jerry, I am not a “thot.”

Agrichemical conglomerate Monsanto has been ordered to pay $80 million to a California man after a judge determined its Roundup weed killer caused the man’s cancer. Monsanto contends the man is a weed.

University of North Carolina women’s basketball coach Sylvia Hatchell is being investigated for allegedly making racist remarks to players. Hatchell contends that she cannot be racist, as she took several classes through the university’s Afro-American studies department.

Need a break this week? Do yourself a favor and take a relaxing walk through our new life-size terrarium in the Sackler wing of the Madoff building! We’ve imported several warm and fuzzy creatures to brighten your day, like the world’s biggest tarantula, the Goliath Birdeater! Please sign a waiver before entering.

Thirteen parents implicated in the “Operation Varsity Blues” college admissions scandal have agreed to plead guilty to federal prosecutors. Under the terms of the deal, they will each have to take the SAT twice a year until they die.

Elizabeth Holmes, founder of fraudulent med tech company Theranos, is engaged. The couple has refused to take a blood test.

Buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jack
If you get caught then you’ll never come back
So let’s scoot, scoot scoot to the dinghy
You’ll be, just so glad you caaaaaaame
For it’s one, two, three million bucks
Or there’s nooooo baaaalllll gaaaaaaaaame!

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/13/19

Hello Potential Sexual Partners,

As you’ve no doubt sensed, tomorrow is Valentine’s Day! I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that this day is like any other at the office, in that I am the only person powerful enough to make routine, inappropriate advances without fear of repercussions. Even in this climate!

Business!

A 24-year-old Texas man has died after his vape pen exploded in his hand, severing a key artery to his brain. Scientists are calling the tragic accident “a powerful metaphor.”

At an awards event last April, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos revealed his disdain for the term “work-life balance.” “They are actually two entirely separate entities,” Bezos told the crowd, “You work, I live.”

“My candle burns at both ends; but goddamn am I hot.” – Anna from Sales, after St. Vincent Millay

A London man has been fined $1,300 for filming himself having a threesome on the Tube. The fine is equal to about half the tips he made.

Gucci has discontinued sales of one of its sweaters after several Internet observers noted its resemblance to blackface. “To be honest, it hasn’t been a huge hit,” Marketing Director Ryan Barnes said in a statement, “It was really only selling in Virginia.”

Jerry, you are not the quarterbacks coach of the San Diego Fleet.

In a recent interview with CNN, White House advisor Kellyanne Conway claimed she was assaulted in a Maryland restaurant last year while her daughters watched. “If I ever meet the woman who did it,” Conway’s husband George told reporters in the wake of the interview, “I’m gonna shake her hand.”

Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman reportedly told an aide in 2017 that he would use “a bullet” on Jamal Khashoggi, the Washington Post journalist who was brutally murdered by Saudi officials last year. “I’m sorry,” bin Salman said in response to the report, “did I say bone saw?”

It has come to my attention that, in last week’s memo, I confused the prior decisions of Supreme Court justices Neil Gorsuch and Brett Kavanaugh. My apologies! It was an easy mistake, as both are straight white men who have never committed sexual assault.

The United States Justice Department filed criminal charges last month against Chinese technology giant Huawei amidst allegations of intellectual property theft and fraud. “We were hoping not to have to do this immediately,” Acting Attorney General Matthew Whitaker said at a press conference, “but then we thought, Huaweit?”

While visiting a Georgia congressman this week, members of a federal worker’s union discovered a book about Robert E. Lee on display, opened to a page that asserted black people were “better off” enslaved in America than free in Africa. “That’s a great book,” Republican Representative Drew Ferguson told reporters after the incident, “and they should be glad we didn’t have it opened to a different page.”

Remember: don’t be Cupid, be cupidinous!

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 11/7/18

It’s Election Day in America! Don’t fall for the fake news- all of those people posting about voting yesterday were PAID CRISIS ACTORS. TODAY is the day to make your voice heard.

Polls are open from 7-8 AM.

ELECTORAL BUSINESS.

A new study shows that, in addition to preventing disease, the immune system plays a pivotal role in healthy organ function. Scientists say fuckin duh.

A Michigan bar offered free orders of “Crack Fries” to voters on Election Day. The owners of Detroit’s HopCat brewpub said they no longer felt comfortable reviving the 2016 version of the promotion, which featured free Oxy Burgers.

Anna from HR, are you Florida’s Amendment 9? Cause you make me wanna ban both offshore drilling AND vaping in the workplace.

For a limited time, adult entertainment company Pornhub is offering free leaf removal services in Duchess County, New York. A spokesperson for the company said the county led the nation last year in searches for “Clean Lawn Anal.”

A group of Buffalo Bills fans has started a GoFundMe page for struggling quarterback Nathan Peterman to convince him to retire. In response, the National Football League has started a similar page for quarterback Colin Kaepernick.

Jerry, we all know 538.

Campbell’s Soup has distanced itself from comments made by one of its lobbyists implicating philanthropist George Soros in orchestrating the “migrant caravan” approaching the United States border. “We like to think of each of our employees as a different flavor of Campbell’s Soup,” CEO Keith McLoughlin said in a statement, “and this man is split pea.”

The Justice Department is reportedly investigating Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke for using his office for personal gain, a decision that could pave the way for Donald Trump to continue to do so.

In honor of Michigan legalizing recreational marijuana, we’ve instituted companywide drug tests! Get yours tomorrow in Conference Room B!

Amazon is reportedly finalizing a deal to split its second headquarters into two locations: Queens, New York, and Crystal City, Virginia. Experts say the company chose Crystal City for its proximity to The Pentagon, allowing for easy access to drones.

A Dutch artist has begun making soap from liposuctioned fat. The bars will range in price from $20 to $250, depending on which Kardashian.

Why is it that we “run” for office but “skip” to my Lou?

-The Chairman

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