Internal Memo for Wednesday, 4/8/20

Ding, dong, the witch is dead
Which old witch?
The socialist!
Ding, dong, the wicked witch is deaaaaaaaaad

Ladies and gentlemen, it’s morning again in America. With Bernie Sanders officially out of the race for the presidency, our investments in private health insurers, frackers, and defense contractors are set to SKYROCKET just as soon as the weakest among us have been culled by this pandemic. Finally, there is hope of getting somebody in the White House who isn’t just a foulmouthed loose cannon, but also an unrepentant plagiarista discreet sexual assaulter, and a hypocritical corporate shill!

Hail to the chief… of BUSINESS.

The CDC is recommending that all Americans wear masks when in public to avoid contracting the novel coronavirus, but Donald Trump has said he will not do so. Many of Trump’s harshest critics have praised the businessman’s “strong, principled decision” on the matter.

New York Knicks owner James Dolan has tested positive for coronavirus. To boost awareness of the virus, Dolan has announced he will be renaming his band to “JD And The State Spike (In Novel Coronavirus Cases).”

Anna from Communications, excellent work convincing the relevant authorities that all of our employees are essential! Now get over here and allow me thank you properly…

The US Justice Department has charged embattled Venezuelan president Nicolás Maduro with narcoterrorism. Attorney General William Barr wrote in the indictment that Maduro’s ceaseless trafficking of cocaine and amphetamines “has undermined the transport of important lifesaving drug hydroxychloroquine to Americans suffering from coronavirus.”

In a related story, the US Food & Drug Administration has ordered that heartburn drug Zantac be pulled from shelves immediately, along with any other drugs that are not hydroxychloroquine.

Jerry, your legal name is not “Bhagavan ‘Doc’ Maldonado-Passage.”

New York City’s Governor’s Ball music festival has been canceled to prevent the further spread of COVID-19. Many prospective attendees have said they plan on contracting the virus anyway “to get some sweet scripts.”

Music industry mogul David Geffen opened himself up to criticism last week after posting that he was “isolated in the Grenadines” on his megayacht due to COVID-19. In response to the backlash, Geffen issued a statement saying he was opening his yacht up to all first responders within two nautical miles.

Chag Pesach sameach to our Finance Department!

Secretary of State Mike Pompeo has strongly suggested that American citizens abroad return home immediately. American citizens abroad have replied, “No.”

A tiger at the Bronx Zoo has tested positive for coronavirus. Animal rights activist Carole Baskin has offered to adopt the sick animal, telling zoo staff, “I’m sure he’s hungry, and Howard’s really been getting on my nerves lately.”

God, I feel so relieved. Thank you to all those in Wisconsin who died bringing this favorable election outcome to bear.

And hey, it’s almost Easter, so… you never know.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Thursday, 3/26/20

Happy National Spinach Day, quarantiners! Hope you’ve got some in your freezer…

Apologies for the delay in this week’s memo- I had to wait for the unemployment numbers to come out so I could remind you all that you still have jobs, and thus must pledge your undying fealty to me and the company for the rest of your lives, day and night, no matter the hour or the pay.

Oh, and if you’ve been laid off this morning, your health insurance terminates tomorrow.

BUSINESS.

Lawyers for Bill Cosby are petitioning to have him released from jail due to his fears of contracting coronavirus. Cosby has reportedly refused to drink anything for weeks.

A member of Mike Pence’s staff has tested positive for coronavirus. Pence has since reported that the staffer has been healed by “believing he is straight.”

Anna from Finance, why do you turn off your Zoom in the bathroom?

The nations of the Group of Seven released separate statements about the coronavirus pandemic this week after the United States pushed to include the term “Wuhan virus” in a joint statement. There were said to be other language issues as well, such as Canada’s addition of, “Donald Trump is a fucking idiot” and France’s desired inclusion of, “At this point, honestly, what the fuck.”

After receiving widespread criticism, McDonald’s has halted a new ad campaign that separated its iconic golden arches in a nod to social distancing. Instead, the chain has said it will begin wrapping each patty of future Big Macs individually.

Jerry, now is not the time for your “Second Declaration of the Rights of Man.”

Donald Trump sent a letter to North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un last week offering cooperation with containing the spread of the coronavirus. “Don’t worry,” Trump told reporters when pressed about the correspondence, “I sprinkled a little duck sauce on the envelope.”

University of Alabama head football coach Nick Saban has released a PSA urging fans to stay home to avoid spreading the coronavirus. “If you happen to see other people,” Saban says in the spot, “do what I did with the Miami Dolphins: don’t say anything, just run away.”

For those of you concerned: Yes, we do have ventilators. Two thousand to be exact, sitting in the warehouse and ready to be used for employees as needed.

Republican Senator Kevin Cramer of North Dakota recently tweeted that House Speaker Nancy Pelosi was “retarded” for her comments about her party’s coronavirus funding bill. “I didn’t mean literally retarded,” Cramer later clarified, “I just meant, you know, expendable for the sake of the economy.”

Instagram has released a new co-watching option that allows friends to watch videos on the platform together. The feature, developed last year, is called “COVID-19.”

Look on the bright side, friends- weekends are extinct!

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 3/11/20

Ooh, my little pretty one, 
My pretty one
When you gonna give me some time, corona
Ooh, you make my motor run,
My motor run
Got it coming offa the line, corona

Never gonna stop
Give it up
Such a dirty mind
Always get it up
For the touch
Of the younger kind
My my my my my WOO

M-m-m-myyyy corona
M-m-m-myyyy corona

Am I the only one who can’t get that classic (and prescient) 70s anthem out of my head? It even mentions touch! I don’t know about you, but I’ve been missing our usual officewide hugs and gooses most of all. But don’t worry, several of my highly paid friends in the medical profession assure me that the weak will be culled soon enough and we can get back to what we do best…

Business.

Director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases Dr. Anthony Fauci told lawmakers Wednesday that the NBA should consider playing its games without fans due to coronavirus concerns. “We’re merely suggesting that the NBA’s fans take a cue from its players,” Fauci said, “and take a lot of games off.”

In a related story, the Ivy League has canceled its conference basketball tournament in the interest of public health. Many fans of the league have expressed excitement to have discovered a new way to feel superior to everybody else.

Anna from Maintenance, I’ll need you to start disinfecting my office hourly. Because of the virus and… yeah, because of the virus.

The Exorcist star Max von Sydow has died. Maybe.

A biotech firm in London is seeking 24 volunteers to be injected with coronavirus for over $4,500 each. The volunteers will then be placed together in a 14-day quarantine where they will be filmed for the new ITV series Love Island: Coronavirus.

Jerry, do not distribute any more of your “hand sanitizer.”

A female Komodo dragon in a Tennessee zoo has given birth to three hatchlings without a male partner. Twelve other Komodo dragons have since begun work on a 66-book collection centering on the virgin birth that they expect to last well over 2,000 years and inform the most personal and consequential decisions of countless other Komodo dragons around the world.

In further Tennessee news, a 94-year-old ex-Nazi concentration camp guard living in the state will be deported after the US government found evidence of his past on a sunken World War II ship. Since arriving in the United States the man, Friedrich Karl Berger, has reportedly been living quietly in the Memphis area posting pro-Donald Trump memes on Facebook.

Do you find yourself touching your face a lot at work? Well don’t, ya perv!

In response to the coronavirus outbreak in the country, China has banned sale and consumption of the endangered pangolin. Experts fear the ban may lead to China’s losing its identity as the world’s foremost originator of novel coronaviruses.

Nik Wallenda, who angered some by wearing a safety harness while traversing an active volcano by tightrope last week, has said that the extra safety precaution was added by broadcaster ABC. “We couldn’t have Nik fall flat on his face and then burst into flames,” ABC spokesperson Manfred Gonzalez wrote in a statement, “we have enough of that with our Thursday night lineup.”

Come a little closer, huh,
A-will ya, huh?
Close enough to look in my eyes, corona
Keeping it a mystery,
It gets to me
Running down the length of my thigh, corona

That is how it feels, apparently! Just like pneumonia running down your thigh!

The Knack, man.

The Knack.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/26/20

Laissez les bons temps rouler, fellow revelers! Instead of my customary Mardi Gras dick pic, I’ve decided to send… a memo!

This should not preclude you replying with abundant, tasteful boudoir photos.

… except you, Jerry.

BUSINESS.

Former Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak died on Tuesday. Donald Trump tweeted his condolences to the nations of Egypt, Syria, and Guatemala, just in case.

Disney CEO Bob Iger is stepping down. “Some people around the office had started calling Bob ‘Star Wars,’” an anonymous source told Forbes of the move, “cause of diminishing returns.”

Anna from Biz Dev, can I get a mission critical leveraged synergy of your elevator pitch for the recapitalization of our core disruptors in your sector by EOD? Then let’s circle back at my place at 21:00 for FUCKING (Focused Unity-Conscious Knowledge Inception Notarized Granularly).

Donald Trump confidant Roger Stone has been sentenced to 40 months in prison. In granting Stone leniency, Judge Amy Berman Jackson cited the fact that he is already serving the life sentence of being Roger Stone.

Tennis great Maria Sharapova, winner of five Grand Slam titles, is retiring. When asked about the news, Serena Williams replied, “Who?”

Jerry, I mean it.

Business website Glassdoor has named Raleigh, North Carolina the best place to find a job in 2020. Washington, D.C. was named the worst.

The Dow Jones Industrial Average dropped over 2,000 points in the past week amid fears of further coronavirus outbreaks around the world. As a result, Mike Bloomberg has been forced to pull two 15-second TV ads from the Pullman, Washington market.

If you are the owner of a White Nissan Leaf, license plate REW-472, your car has been impounded. There will be none of that weak electric shit in my parking lot.

Michelle Janavs, heiress to the Hot Pockets fortune, was sentenced to five months in prison for her involvement in the college admissions scandal dubbed “Operation Varsity Blues.” Prosecutors had previously recommended that she stay in a little longer, or her middle would still be cold.

In his annual Ash Wednesday address, Pope Francis urged his followers to disconnect from their televisions and phones and give up insulting one another for Lent. “It’s not as if I’m asking you to give up something essential,” the Pope said to an assembly in Vatican City, “like molesting children.”

In lieu of my customary Ash Wednesday ass pic… I haven’t decided what to send yet. Check your inboxes later!

(Your physical inboxes. Just because I haven’t decided doesn’t mean it won’t be EXTREMELY large and EXTRAORDINARILY tactile.)

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/19/20

Thaaaaaaat’s riiiiiiiiight: I’m BACK, BABAY. Fresh off my extended quarantine on the Diamond Princess, I’m here to bring you all up to speed on the myriad happenings of the past couple of months. After a battery of tests, I can officially say that I am now virus-free, though there’s a high probability I infected several hundred persons with whom I came into contact while contagious. The global economy, am I right? Can’t beat it.

But seriously: I’d like to honor the brave men and women lost in our Wuhan office due to massive layoffs. This is another reminder that working from home is never a viable option, and threatens to erode company culture and office morale if practiced for even a day. Just say no (to remote work).

BUSINESS.

Division II Grand Valley State University has suspended the offensive coordinator of its football team after he told the campus newspaper he would like to have dinner with Hitler because, “the way he was able to lead was second-to-none.” Coach Berger has since issued a statement of apology reading, “I clearly meant to say second to our head football coach Mr. Matt Mitchell.”

Ben & Jerry’s has released three new flavors of non-dairy ice cream made with sunflower butter. The company says the flavors are designed for those with “severe taste allergies.”

Anna, I can’t wait to be in you tomorrow!

Since my last missive to you all, Marianne Williamson and Andrew Yang have dropped out of the presidential race. Many Democrats are left wondering which of the remaining candidates will advocate for important ideas like universal basic income and cupping.

Greece is threatening to demand the repatriation of the Elgin Marbles from England as part of Brexit negotiations. British Prime Minister Boris Johnson has said he is open to the idea, “as long as they take the Poles, too.” 

Jerry, you did not star in Parasite.

Among Donald Trump’s recent controversial pardons and commutations was that of Rudy Giuliani’s former bodyguard (and former NYPD commissioner) Bernard Kerik. “Bernie’s a great man,” Trump told reporters Tuesday, “and I couldn’t pardon Rudy yet.”

Right-wing calls for a second Civil War revolving around the term “boogaloo” are gaining traction on some online platforms. Many self-identified members of the “movement” say they’re happy to have online friends.

In honor of the Democratic debate tonight, there’s free candy in Conference Room C! It’s free, but it’ll slowly kill you- just like universal healthcare!

A French amateur soccer player has been banned from competition for five years after biting an opponent’s penis. The victim has said that he blames himself, and that he wishes he’d regarded his opponent’s postgame offer of fellatio with “more suspicion.”

Burger King is announcing the removal of artificial preservatives from its hamburgers with a new ad campaign showing a Whopper growing mold over the course of 34 days. In response, Wendy’s has released an ad based on their longtime slogan “fresh, never frozen” that depicts two cows fucking.

WU-HAN! Got you all in check.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Friday, 10/11/19

Sorry for the delay, plebeians- fighting a subpoena.

OK… a few subpoenas.

BUSINESS. 

Sources say Elizabeth Warren is discussing former Florida gubernatorial candidate Andrew Gillum as a potential 2020 running mate. Upon hearing of Warren’s strategy, Beto O’Rourke sent Warren an email marked “URGENT” reading, “But I lost, too!”

A pitcher in the San Diego Padres farm system has been arrested and charged with criminal trespassing after breaking into a stranger’s home through a doggie door. Major League Baseball has since come to Jacob James Nix’s defense, citing its current slogan, “Let the kids play.”

Anna from Litigation, are you ready for your blind date tonight? I’ll be the one with the red rose and no pants.

A new study shows that, for the first time in US history, the nation’s 400 richest families paid a lower effective tax rate than the bottom 50% of households. “I’m fine with it,” 52-year-old Thomas Manley, currently homeless, said of the findings, “because that’ll be me someday.”

Alexei Leonov, who as a Russian cosmonaut in 1965 became the first man to walk in space, has died at the age of 85. Authorities are still trying to determine the type of nerve agent used.

Jerry, nobody calls you “The Irish Backstop.”

Turkey has moved its military into northern Syria just days after Donald Trump withdrew American forces from the region. Despite bipartisan uproar, Trump is expected to pardon the country around Thanksgiving.

The largest power outage in California’s history has plunged millions around the state into darkness. Donald Trump has blamed the incident on California’s “billions of homeless, chewing through the wires with their pointy little teeth.”

If you’ve been feeling worn out lately, you might be a candidate for our first-of-its-kind sleep study! We’re partnering with The Mayo Clinic to give 57 lucky volunteers the opportunity to work for 31 days straight without sleeping to see how it affects productivity. Grab some coffee and sign up today!

According to a new study in the International Journal of Environmental Research, the effects of cooking meth in a home can be felt for years afterwards. The news has led to a massive spike in home values in Opa-locka, Florida.

The Washington Mystics were crowned WNBA champions Thursday night after defeating the Connecticut Sun in Game 5 of the Finals. The game drew the league’s highest-ever international rating, thanks in large part to a tweet by Mystics star Elena Delle Donne before the game that read “HONG KONG PROTESTORS ARE SCUM, CHINA WILL ROOT THEM OUT AND HANG THEM BY THEIR ENTRAILS #standwithChina #killthemall.”

You want me to show up in COURT?

At least take me out to dinner first.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 7/17/19

The memo: one small step for man, one giant leap… for business.

Fifty years ago this Saturday, man first set foot on the moon. The richest 1% of Americans’ share of the national income has more than doubled in the years since, leading many never to learn what the moon is.

German defense minister Ursula von der Leyden has been confirmed as the first female president of the European Commission. Donald Trump responded to the news by masturbating.

Congratulations, Anna from Accounting, on paying off your student loans! And Happy Birthday! The big 7-0.

New research shows that a paste made of bananas, chickpeas, soy, peanuts, and several oils and micronutrients can help to reestablish a healthy microbiome in malnourished children. In children with severe peanut allergies, the effects are short-lived.

A federal judge has ruled that rapper Ja Rule did not commit fraud relating to his participation in 2017’s infamous Fyre Festival. Mr. Rule responded to the verdict by removing his shirt in the courtroom and asking the judge “WHERE WOULD I BE WITHOUT MY BABAY?”

Jerry, I was born here.

Retired Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens has died at the age of 99. While serving on the court, Stevens was known for his flamboyant bowties and for never guessing how far it would fall.

Actress Lashana Lynch will reportedly portray the first ever black, female 007 in the next James Bond film. Bond’s famous nemesis Jaws will reportedly appear in the film as well, played by institutional racism.

It’s World Emoji Day! Reminder: eggplants are sexual harassment.

Wolf of Wall Street producer Joey McFarland has agreed to return $14 million worth of cash and gifts tied to a money laundering scandal involving the Malaysian government’s strategic development fund. He is expected to recoup the money in a sequel to the film starring Leonardo DiCaprio as himself and Scarlett Johansson as the Malaysian Prime Minister.

A Brazilian woman this week threw a priest to the ground during his sermon after he said, “fat women don’t go to heaven.” The woman said she was just trying to get some exercise.

Houston, we have a problem.

And it is the ubiquitous threat of unionization.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 7/10/19

Hello Wealthy Acquaintances,

I’ve never met the man. Let’s move on.

Business!

Former independent presidential candidate Ross Perot has died. According to his will, Perot requested to be buried “just close enough to Bush to make him nervous.”

A new law in Mississippi makes it illegal to label non-meat products with terms like “burger” and “hot dog.” In related news, Mississippi has become the first US state to eradicate the opioid crisis.

Congratulations, Anna from Accounts Payable, for taking a cue from the US Women’s Soccer team and advocating for equal pay within the company! The answer is no.

Scientists have spotted two supermassive black holes that appear set to collide. The Shapiro-Krassenstein debate will reportedly occur in September.

Billionaire hedge fund manager Jeffrey Epstein (whom, again, I barely know), has been charged with sex trafficking involving minors. Epstein has said the women could not possibly have been underage, because “Donald said they weren’t.”

Jerry, we don’t have an “All-Star Break.”

Bay Area congressman Eric Swalwell has dropped out of the 2020 presidential race. Swalwell left his mark during last month’s Democratic Debate when he challenged voters to remember his name.

In further 2020 campaign news, California billionaire and Democratic megadonor Tom Steyer is officially running for president. “I pledge to you, the American people,” Steyer said in an introductory press conference, “that I will somehow wind up wealthier when I soon drop out of this race.”

Mark your calendars! On August 5th, the Westboro Baptist Church will be visiting our offices as part of “Religious Freedom Awareness Week.” Diversity!

Golfer Jon Daly has withdrawn from the upcoming British Open after being denied use of a cart. Open officials have since released a statement clarifying that Daly requested a beverage cart.

NBA Finals MVP Kawhi Leonard has signed with the Los Angeles Clippers. In response, former Clippers owner Daniel Sterling has vowed never to rent a house to Leonard “or anyone who looks like him.”




Who said anything about a private island?

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 6/26/19

Hello fellow women’s soccer stars,

The World Cup is on! And BOY, has it been… on!

I haven’t watched a minute, but that’s because I’ve been too busy doing research on the team.

Gotta be prepared. Business!

Former NBA Coach of the Year Don Nelson is now a marijuana farmer on Maui. “This gig is great,” Nelson said in a recent interview, “it keeps me in touch with a lot of current players.”

In further NBA news, the league is reportedly exploring shortening its regular season and creating an in-season tournament. The in-season tournament will reportedly be called “March Madness,” and it will involve unpaid college athletes playing for a small number of spots in the next year’s draft.

Don’t give up, Anna from Finance! Only $200 to go on your Kickstarter for new implants!

Bloomberg reports that Donald Trump’s latest round of tariffs targeted towards China may raise the cost of Bibles in the United States. “This is clearly fake news,” Trump said in a statement, “God will not stop printing the Bible.”

In further Trump news, the businessman has denied a new rape allegation by writer E. Jean Carroll by saying, “She’s not my type.” When asked what his type was, Trump replied, “Beautiful clean coal.”

Jerry, you did not qualify for the Democratic debates.

A substitute teacher in Texas has been fired after she filmed a pornographic movie in her classroom. The teacher contends that she was unfairly targeted, as she’s seen “plenty” of porn filmed in schools.

The only police officer in Cement, Oklahoma has been arrested on child prostitution charges following a lengthy internal struggle.

If you’ve been suffering from indigestion lately, you’re not alone! In a cost-cutting measure, I’ve recently fired the entire cafeteria staff and replaced them with Guatemalans.

An internationally famous Russian poker player was found dead after being electrocuted while dying her hair. Friends said Lilya Novikova was “very smart with poker” and “that’s it.”

The oldest living European, 116-year-old Giuseppina Robucci, has died. Robucci credited her survival through two world wars that ravaged the continent to “hating the Jews when I needed to.”

Watching this team, I’ve gotten really good at dribbling.






… that was too far.









… even for me.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 6/19/19

Happy Juneteenth, everyone! Staying waaaaaaaaaaay the hell away from that one.

Business!

A therapy group in Boulder, Colorado meets regularly to discuss the health benefits of drinking urine. Donald Trump has denied that any tapes exist of him ever visiting Boulder, let alone attending a meeting.

Right-wing group “Super Happy Fun America” has applied for the necessary permits to host a “straight pride” parade in Boston this August, with Brad Pitt as its mascot. Pitt has since denounced the group’s use of his image, calling himself “a perfect Kinsey 3.”

Anna from Maintenance, is that you in those neti pot ads? I’d know that technique anywhere.

Warships from the United States and Russia nearly collided in the Pacific Ocean two weeks ago. “I saw the other ship and I thought it was one of ours,” Russian Captain Sergei Popov told RT after the incident, “cause, you know.”

Child pornography has been found in materials that conspiracy theorist Alex Jones sent to the families of victims of the Sandy Hook massacre. Jones has demanded it be returned to him immediately.

Jerry, you never dated Natalie Portman.

Former Trump campaign chairman Paul Manafort will reportedly be imprisoned at Rikers Island. Manafort has told associates he has already struck a lucrative consulting deal with the Crips to represent the group’s interests in Ukraine.

A truck crashed outside of Bozeman, Montana last Monday while transporting 40,000 pounds of bees, releasing an estimated quarter of its cargo. Officials said that they find it suspicious that the crash occurred 13 years to the day after the release of The Wicker Man.

Do you live in constant fear of a sudden and inexplicable death? Stop by Conference Room C4 tomorrow at 3 PM for an introduction to our new company-sponsored life insurance program! No need to RSVP- you might not make it.

United States birth rates are at their lowest in 32 years. “We’d better correct this soon,” former US Senate candidate Roy Moore recently wrote on his personal blog, “VERY soon.”

Authorities in the Dominican Republic believe they have found the man who paid hitmen to shoot David Ortiz while the former baseball player was in the country last week. “My associate clearly misheard me,” the accused, Gabriel Alexander Perez Vizcaino, told authorities in his defense, “I said ‘take him out… to the ballgame.’”







… but when will whites get their own Juneteenth?

-The Chairman

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