Internal Memo for Thursday, 4/18/19

Happy Mueller Report Day, [redacted]! You had to wait for this special edition of the memo just like Congress had to wait to find out that [redacted] discovered the true identity of [redacted] while surveilling [redacted], which led to [redacted] [redacted] [redacted] and a generous [redacted] of [redacted] [redacted] and [redacted] steak frites.

Absolutely [redacted].

[REDACTED]!

A new study indicates that workers who fake positivity while serving customers are at greater risk for heavy drinking when they get off work. In response to calls to change its policies, TGI Friday’s has instead created a pilot program called “TGI AA.”

A new study has found high numbers of microplastic particles in the air in France’s Pyrenees Mountains, leading one researcher to label microplastic “a new atmospheric pollutant.” As a result, Netflix has stopped streaming The Graduate.

Anna from Compliance, nice cameo in Game of Thrones! I wish you’d let me ride you like you let Jon Snow 😉.

Kim Kardashian told Vogue that she wants to take the California bar exam by 2022. Kardashian said she plans to uphold the family tradition of being famous for anything other than practicing law.

Israeli President Benjamin Netanyahu has declared that, if re-elected, he will begin annexing the West Bank. The move has inspired Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi to vow that if he is re-elected, he will begin nuking Pakistan.

Jerry, apologize to the people of France.

UK grocery chain Waitrose has pulled an assortment of Easter ducks in which the dark chocolate piece was labeled “Ugly” after accusations of racism. The store has said it plans to re-release the collection with the duck instead labeled “Objectively Beautiful But Systemically Devalued Through Years Of Unchecked Imperialism, Colonial Aggression, And Unrealistically Eurocentric Beauty Standards (Trust Us, We Would Know, We’re British).”

Donald Trump tweeted this week that he will award the nation’s highest civilian honor, the Presidential Medal of Freedom, to Tiger Woods. “He’s become a role model for a lot of people, including me,” Trump said in a statement, “by sleeping with so, so many women.”

In anticipation of Easter, the HR team has been at it like rabbits! They’ve gone and hidden special festive eggs all around the office. What kind, you ask? Why, the only kind that’s been proven to defend against autoimmune diseases, of course: tapeworm! Happy hunting!

In a letter released last Thursday, retired Pope Benedict blamed the child sex abuse scandal plaguing the Catholic Church on the sexual revolution of the 1960s. “If those people hadn’t had kids,” Benedict wrote, “and then their kids hadn’t had kids, and then those kids hadn’t had kids, none of this would have ever happened.”

A new report says FEMA may have exposed the personal information of some 2.3 million disaster survivors. “There is obviously a silver lining here,” FEMA press secretary Lizzie Litzow said in a statement, “any leaked addresses are unusable.”

I can’t believe [redacted] peed on [redacted] while [redacted] watched! The Steele Dossier was [redacted]!

We’re all [redacted].

-The [redacted]

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 4/3/19

Good Afternoon Tory MPs,

A Brexit haiku:

Why oh why Britain
Why oh why oh why oh why
Also, your food sucks

BUSINESS.

A Chinese woman carrying four cellphones and a thumb drive containing malware was arrested last weekend after sneaking into Mar-A-Lago while Donald Trump was there. Trump told reporters he has no idea why Shinzo Abe didn’t tell him he was coming.

Humphreys County, Mississippi – a poor, rural, mostly Black area – is the most heavily audited in the US. The IRS says the high frequency is normal, as the area’s many fishermen are known to keep much of their wealth offshore.

Please join me in congratulating Anna from HR on her complete line of new CBD products! .2 milligrams for only $75!

The upstart Alliance of American Football has suspended operations just eight games into its inaugural 10-game season. The league’s founders were reportedly unable to pass its concussion protocol.

Scientists have discovered a novel gene mutation in a Scottish woman who has never felt pain or anxiety in her life. They’ve named the unique attribute “money.”

They might steal content, Jerry, but their name rings true.

In a new survey, 28% of American men reported having no sex in the past year. Several such respondents added, “I thought that wasn’t allowed anymore,” at which point a researcher was instructed to punch them in the face.

Authorities in Los Angeles shot and killed a man last week after he entered a Church of Scientology with a large sword. Several Scientologists were severely injured in the incident, but only psychologically by other Scientologists.

Want to step up your marketing game AND your dating game? Stop by our latest informational seminar this Friday in Conference Room DD, “SEO or SEX?” By the end, you’ll have set up your own (highly visible) online escort service!

Robert Mueller’s report on Russian interference during the 2016 US election, recently summarized in a 1.5 page letter by Attorney General William Barr, is reportedly 300+ pages long. Sources say the first 200 pages make up a prologue titled “Concerning Hobbits.”

Nicolas Cage has filed for an annulment of his marriage to Erika Koike after 5 days. Turns out the map led to divorce.

And now, a limerick:

There once was a woman from Britain,
The Parliament meetings she’d sit in
She couldn’t believe
Her land wouldn’t leave
And now she’s got no pot to shit in

That’s a right comely old wash, eh guv’nah?

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for 3/27/19

Hello Fellow Muetineers,

How does it feel to be betrayed by a hero that you so painstakingly built up over the course of two years despite knowing nothing about him or his field of expertise beyond what was breathlessly and irresponsibly speculated by cable news pundits ad nauseam?

I know, I liked Michael Avenatti, too.

BUSINESS.

Donald Trump’s youngest son, Barron, turned 13 last week. For his Bar Mitzvah, his father gave him jurisdiction over the Gaza Strip.

A California mom has sued Lori Loughlin, Felicity Huffman, and others involved in the “Operation Varsity Blues” college admissions scandal for $500 billion. As a condition of the suit, the defendants’ counsels must have gotten into college the same way their children did.

If anybody’s looking to get drunk tonight, might I recommend Anna from the mailroom’s homebrewed Scottish ale? It’s made with anal yeast!

Nicolas Cage has applied for a marriage license with girlfriend Erika Koike. On the back of the license, there is a map.

Disney’s newest planned Star Wars ride, “Rise of the Resistance,” will reportedly be 28 minutes long, or as long as it took to write the last two films.

Jerry, Jussie Smollett is not “the new OJ.”

To celebrate the launch of its four new “Fresh Faves” box meals, fast food chain Del Taco gave away several bars of its new crinkle-cut French fry-scented soap on its Instagram page. The soap, whose ingredients are a secret, is recommended only for those with fatally dry skin.

ICE is currently detaining 50,000 people, its highest number on record. Donald Trump disputes the reported figure, saying the agency is actually detaining 50,000 animals.

In honor of the new Lorena Bobbitt documentary on Amazon, free haircuts in Conference Room GGG! Pubic and non.

Singer Sam Smith has come out as gender non-binary, assuaging some more conservative fans’ fears that they were gay.

Texas Congressman Beto O’Rourke has officially announced his candidacy for president. Experts say the announcement may be a red herring, as it was made while under the influence of laughing gas at the dentist.

I once read the entire Bible, cover-to-cover.

My summary: Total exoneration of Judas.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 3/20/19

Good Afternoon Low-Level Functionaries,

It has come to my attention that I’ve been derelict in my duties, and I must send a long-overdue update on the current state of affairs:

I’m havin ‘em!

Business!

Game of Thrones author George R.R. Martin voiced his displeasure with the New York Giants trading Odell Beckham Jr. last week on his blog, sarcastically saying that the team is “GOING FOR IT ALL, clearly.” “Maybe we’ll arbitrarily bring Odell back,” Giants GM Dave Gettleman shot back on Twitter, “like John Snow.”

Speaking at a news conference last week, Utah Congressman Rob Bishop said “the ideas behind the Green New Deal are tantamount to genocide.” “Read between the lines,” Bishop told the crowd, “‘carbon emissions’ equals ‘white people.’”

Anna from Groundskeeping, is that Hydnora africana or are you just happy to see me?

A new study published in The Lancet Psychology suggests that using marijuana every day, especially high-potency cannabis, increases the chances of having a psychotic episode. For purposes of the study, researchers defined a psychotic episode as “the conscious decision to attend a concert by Phish, Dead & Co., Gov’t Mule, or any other of a number of objectively terrible jam bands.”

A 700-pound alligator was found in Georgia last week and subsequently euthanized. The decision to put the animal down was made over vociferous objections from the TLC network, which had already greenlit a show in which the alligator had 90 days to lose 300 pounds in order to become the pageant queen it had always dreamed of being.

Jerry if, as you have asserted, Aristotle’s view of a twice-tethered human soul must be read in the strictest sense of the individual aspiring heavenward in hopes of a great reward and, indeed, to feast as the gods feast, then you must simultaneously acknowledge Aristotle’s selfsame assertion that it would and could ne’er be possible for mortals to achieve the singular (read: wingéd) soul composition afforded the gods by virtue of their very immortality, negating the precept on which your basic presumption is founded, thus rendering any further rational comment on the matter irreconcilable with your essential contention and, indeed, entirely precluding any reasonable foundation for debate on the matter.

A chemical fire that blanketed the city of Houston in black smoke for four days has finally been extinguished. Residents say the lack of regulatory oversight that allowed the fire to emit potentially noxious gas over a vast area for so long a time is a small price to pay for no state income tax.

In a post on his personal blogThe Wire creator David Simon ripped Hollywood agencies for their practice of “packaging” talent, negotiating for both sides of a deal in a manner that was widely exposed in the recent FOX lawsuit involving the TV show Bones. The post immediately ignited a bidding war between CAA and WME for the rights to Simon’s column, which they would then like to package with the judges in any future lawsuits filed against them.

Signups are open for our annual March Madness pool! I’m picking the University of Washington to win it all, cause after seeing Zac Efron play Ted Bundy how can you not love that guy?

Baltimore Ravens quarterback Lamar Jackson has apologized after posting a video of himself on Instagram driving 105 MPH with no seatbelt. “I apologize, Ravens fans,” Jackson said in a subsequent post, “for not immediately discarding this video as I would have immediately discarded a cream-colored suit had I brutally murdered two people.”

A new study posits that the DNA of many inhabitants of the Iberian Peninsula was replaced around 2,500 BC with that of men from the Eurasian steppes. Donald Trump has hailed the study as “really big,” tweeting “BUILD THE WALL- OUR STEPCHILDREN MUST BE STOPPED.”

The only “infidelity” I know is when I stop into a branch of my favorite investment company… one that always puts its customers first!

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Thursday, 3/7/19

Dear Caravan Migrants,

My apologies for the delay in releasing this week’s memo- we have been in the midst of a MAJOR CRISIS. In light of Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen’s disturbing testimony yesterday, I am instituting a hiring freeze on potential employees from all Central American countries. I am also ordering the erection of an intentionally disorganized tent city near Gate C at Parking Lot 5 to house all those who came for interviews but will no longer be admitted. For decades, these countries have been sending the company their worst, and we are just now realizing it. I have been asleep at the wheel, but rest assured that from now on, I will be very “woke.”

BUSINESS.

California’s Santa Anita Racetrack has suspended racing indefinitely after 21 horses had to be put down over the past 2 months. Experts predict the 2020 Democratic primary will soon be canceled for similar reasons.

According to the Federal Reserve Bank of New York, 7 million Americans are at least 90 days overdue on their car payments, a worrying sign for the economy. The news comes at the start of year three of the controversial Trump administration policy “Too Small Not To Fail.”

Anna from Accounting, 900 beads??

Jeopardy! host Alex Trebek has been diagnosed with Stage 4 pancreatic cancer. When asked how hard the condition will be to treat, Trebek replied, “It’s not too bad- maybe a $600 in Potent Potables.”

An unvaccinated French child has reportedly reintroduced the measles virus to Costa Rica while on vacation there with his family. French President Emmanuel Macron has said he worries the incident will ruin the French reputation for being “an extremely hygienic people.”

Jerry, your “brand value” is not $4 billion.

Last April, police fined a Connecticut man for using a cell phone while driving, but the driver maintains that the phone in question was actually a hash brown. When asked by a judge why he did not eat the hash brown at any point, the man replied, “Cause I was busy on my phone.”

A novel antidepressant is poised to come on the market, the first such drug to debut in decades. Doctors are calling the drug “three years too late.”

In honor of this week’s NFL combine, stop by the second-floor cafeteria for your comprehensive physical evaluation! Remember, your short shuttle time determines your health insurance premium.

A new in-depth report by ESPN has revealed that disgraced former NBA referee Tim Donaghy not only bet on games he officiated, but may have fixed their outcomes. “We have officially launched an internal investigation,” New York Knicks owner James Dolan said of the report, “into whether Tim Donaghy refereed every single Knicks game of the past twenty years.”

At a recent advisory committee meeting, Donald Trump called Apple CEO Tim Cook “Tim Apple.” Trump later said he meant it as a term of endearment, like “Mike VP” or “Melania Stockholm Syndrome.”

Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a chain-link fence enclosed into a chamber on a concrete floor.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/27/19

Good Afternoon Eye Fuckers,

The second Trump-Kim summit starts today! WILL THEY SING SHALLOW??

God I hope so. And then kiss. Finally.

BUSINESS.

The latest reports out of Washington indicate that Attorney General Bill Barr could submit Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s report on Russian meddling in the 2016 election to Congress as soon as this week. Congress would then be in a position to act on the report’s findings as soon as 2025.

On the eve of the second summit between Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un this week in Vietnam, CNN reports that during the first such meeting last year in Singapore, the former told the latter that he had known “plenty of people” from powerful families who had “emerged messed up,” but that Kim “wasn’t one of them.” “You should be glad,” Trump then added, “that your father murdered anyone who could have spoiled you.”

Please join me in congratulating our Employee of the Month for February: Anna from Weather Management! Keep those chemtrails coming (and going)!

A spokesman for the Chicago Police Department said Empire actor Jussie Smollett recently staged a racist and homophobic attack on himself because he was “unhappy with his salary.” Smollett called the assertion a racist and homophobic attack and demanded that his salary be raised.

Potential independent presidential candidate Howard Schultz has derided Democratic presidential candidate Kamala Harris’ plan to abolish private health insurance as “not American.” “What’s she gonna do away with next?” Schultz told CBS This Morning, “war?”

Jerry, we know you loved Green Book.

In his prepared remarks before Congress today, Donald Trump’s former lawyer Michael Cohen said he recalled Trump telling him that the businessman’s son Don Jr. “had the worst judgment of anyone in the world.” Cohen testified that he responded, “Worse than Eric?”, to which Trump replied, “Who?”

Following a recent ban on recyclable imports by China, US cities are sending more and more such materials to landfills and incinerators. The materials will then be burned, releasing into the air toxic chemicals that cause chronic illnesses necessitating pills from bottles made from other recyclable materials, thus completing the recycling process.

PSA: In preparation for a highly likely nuclear exchange between India and Pakistan, please watch this video. Individual tortoise shells will be available in the twelfth-floor cafeteria, and if you see a monkey, SAY SOMETHING.

Las Vegas was blanketed with half an inch of snow last Wednesday. The covering was reportedly snorted up within minutes.

Patriots owner Robert Kraft has been charged with two counts of misdemeanor solicitation in connection with a far-reaching prostitution sting in Florida. Prosecutors have officially named the charges Eli Manning so Kraft can’t beat them.

Every time a nuclear weapon is detonated… a star is born.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/6/19

Good afternoon, Ridiculous Partisan Investigators! How can you help destroy our democracy today?

My preferred method… is BUSINESS.

During a recent Twitter exchange with rapper Nicki Minaj, conservative pundit Tomi Lahren, who has previously used the platform to feud with rapper Cardi B, claimed that her ancestors “discovered America.” “To clarify,” Lahren later tweeted, “I am descended from smallpox.”

Japan has started a program to give away abandoned houses for free. After new residents move in, they have seven days.

Anna from Accounting, are you Imagine Dragons? Cause I try really hard not to think about you but you keep getting stuck in my head 😉

ICE agents arrested rapper 21 Savage last Sunday, claiming that he is a British citizen living in America illegally. Many in the national media believe the arrest was politically motivated, as one of the agents was heard shouting “This for real hip-hop!” before tackling Savage to the ground.

In further ICE news, the agency has been operating a fake university in Michigan as a means of entrapping undocumented immigrants. Students reportedly became suspicious when the school lowered its prices to $30,000 a semester.

Jerry, you are not “the straight Sam Smith.”

Academy Award-winning actress Jennifer Lawrence is engaged to boyfriend of 6 months Cooke Maroney. She is expected to adorably stumble down the aisle sometime next year.

US intelligence officials recently told Time Magazine that, during a briefing on South Asia, Donald Trump asserted that the independent nation of Nepal and the independent kingdom of Bhutan were parts of India. “Honestly, it was a step in the right direction,” one senior official said. “He used to think they were parts of a woman’s body.”

How did you celebrate Monday’s National Poop Day? I couldn’t 😟.

The US Postal Service suspended deliveries in six states last week as brutal cold gripped parts of the Midwest. In response to the announcement, Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh issued a statement reading, “Their drivers should have delivered because, according to the Constitution, if they had frozen to death USPS wouldn’t have been liable.”

Virginia Attorney General Mark Herring on Wednesday joined Governor Ralph Northam in becoming the second high-ranking state official to admit to wearing blackface in college. “I’m definitely not racist- I have a lot of black friends,” Herring told reporters after revealing the incident. “Actually, some of them could be white… I only knew them in college.”

The state of our union* is strong.

*my dick

-The Chairman

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