Internal Memo For Thursday, 3/6/14

Good afternoon, mortals.  Can I get a little “dap” for preventing World War III?

“Girls” star Allison Williams is engaged to boyfriend Ricky Van Veen.  When asked what she likes about the College Humor co-founder, Williams replied, “He farts a lot.”

Russian president Vladimir Putin has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize.  He is joined on the ballot by the ghost of Adolf Hitler and arson.
 
A 9-month-old baby may have been cured of HIV simply by watching Focus Features’ inspirational film Dallas Buyers Club, winner of three Oscars, out now on DVD, Blu-Ray, and Digital HD!
 
Has everybody gotten to see Anna from accounts payable’s silver medal for giant slalom?  And she’s seven months pregnant!  How did she do it?!
 
Amtrak has unveiled a plan to give free delays to writers.

The Sochi Olympics were the costliest ever.  “Don’t worry,” said Russian President Vladimir Putin during the closing ceremonies, “money won’t matter where we’re headed.”

A freshman at Duke University has been outed as a porn star.  When asked how she likes the school, she replied, “I feel right at home with all the dicks.”

Jerry, you are from New Jersey.  New Jersey has never been a part of the Russian Federation.
 
The Ukrainian national soccer team shut out the United States on Wednesday, 2-0.  “Congratulations, Ukraine,” said U.S. President Barack Obama after the match, “you’re on your own.”

Duke men’s basketball coach Mike Krzyzewski is feeling fine after becoming dizzy and lightheaded Wednesday night during a loss to Wake Forest.  “Sorry, guys,” he said in his postgame comments, “I was just thinking about how much money I make.”

Congratulations to Oscar from reception on his winning Oscar ballot!  Weird!

A robust secondary market has arisen for French military rations, which contain delicacies such as duck-fat cassoulet and Camembert cheese.  “I love them,” said Nathalie Perron, a French civilian, “they have that exquisite flavor of defeat.”
 
The College Board has announced sweeping changes to the SAT beginning in 2016.  The test will now consist of two sections of anonymous commenting, followed by the essay question “How much money do your parents make?  Be specific.”
 
Pope Francis has said the Catholic Church may support some types of same-sex civil unions.  “What the hell?” said the Pope, speaking through an interpreter, “a hole’s a hole.”
 
A Thursday memo?  I’m just glad we’re all alive!  Do svidaniya!
 
-The Chairman
 
BREAKING NEWS: The Crimean parliament has just voted to join the Russian Federation.  We’re not out of the woods yet!  Back to work, you intrepid defenders of capitalism!

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Guess Who’s Back

All rise for the honorable Chairman.

Please sit down. We have no time to waste.

WHAT’S UP, PEOPLE?? HOW YOU DOIN, CLEVELAND?? Did ya MISS ME!!???

You didn’t? You didn’t even realize I was gone? Well put a sock in it, Dolores. We have important business to attend to.

As some of you know, I have been on hiatus/sabbatical/leave of absence/Fijian vacation for nearly five whole years. Our last formal meeting occurred in the pages of The Chronicle, an independent daily at Duke University known to some as “The Independent Daily at Duke University.” At the time, it was also known as “The Tower of Campus Thought and Action,” but I probably fucked that up for everybody. What is it that the kids say?  “Sorry I’m not sorry”?

A lot has happened since those bygone days in the postbellum South. Dennis Rodman nuked North Korea, Egypt has a new pharaoh, and America loves Kris Humphries. At least that’s how I understand it.

All right, all right, I haven’t exactly been “keeping up” on what’s been happening in and around the good ole U.S. of A. Turns out it’s not easy to get your cable repaired at an undisclosed location. Why was I in an undisclosed location, you ask? Well…

Remember Lehman Brothers? Bear Stearns? Facebook? All these major brands that contributed to the world’s most recent “Great Recession” had one thing in common through all their insider trading and subprime mortgage brokering:

Me.

That’s right, ME. I was at the center of the greatest American financial collapse since the days of Herbert Hoover!

How is it possible? I am immensely POWERFUL, that’s HOW. I am above the LAW. I have a single FAMILY of ALPACAS that I breed for my CHILDREN’S PLEASURE. With each OTHER. Game of THRONES style.

Anyway, at some point during my moste excellente marionette show with the global economy, I was found out. Some Jack Nicholson from Chinatown wannabe decided he was gonna come after me… ME, the always magnanimous and always virile CHAIRMAN of the BORED.

Needless to say, I was outraged. I immediately ordered several of my super-PAC administrators to plant kiddie porn on the guy’s work computer, but it was no use. By the time they broke into his room at the Watergate Hotel he was on a plane to my Alaskan resort/ranch with several “subpoenas” from the United States “government.” Not knowing what any of this really meant, I had no choice but to flee.

Nearly 60 whole months passed, which brings us to today. What happened in the interim is interesting only to Marlo Thomas and 2006 Olympic figure skating silver medalist Irina Slutskaya. And even they have probably forgotten it by now…

Now, some of you are probably still wondering why I left. Why not take down those pompous Supreme Court justices like Kimbo Slice at a bat mitzvah? Well, as I said before, I am nothing if not magnanimous and virile. I humbly retreated to my seaside getaway in the south of France in order to save the company.
That’s right, this company. The company for which all of you, my intrepid readers, work. I could not let the lives of millions of my trusting employees be destroyed simply because I turned the world economy into one big Bernie Madoff key party. After all, if there’s nobody left to buy in, the whole thing falls apart. So I thought to myself, “Why not let this whole thing blow over and come back once people have stopped thinking about money and started binge watching Orange is the New Black“?

Boy, was that a successful plan. Turns out the government is so concerned with my former employee (and beer pong CHAMPION) Edward Snowden that I was able to slip back into the country unnoticed. Hell, they didn’t even check my bags at customs. And I had two baby alpacas in my carry-on.

So now I’m back, and all that’s left for me to do is re-assume my place at the forefront of American industry and fraud. I’ll start by writing every so often on topics that interest me, from alien abduction to cats that look like people. I will call these meetings weekly, bi-weekly, semi-weekly, or not at all. You MUST CHECK THE WEBSITE TO SEE IF YOU’VE MISSED ANYTHING. Lateness to meetings or on assignments will not be tolerated. Oh, and Jodie

Got that, everyone? There’s a new old sheriff in town. And he’s a badass motha who won’t take no crap off of nobody. It’s been too long, I know, but I’m back to show this company, and the world, who’s boss.

In short, let’s kick some ass.

Meeting adjourned.

THE CHAIRMAN is happy to be back alive. He would like to thank Macaulay Culkin and the entire production team behind Magna Carta Holy Grail.

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