Internal Memo for Wednesday, 5/16/18

Dearest underlings,

Thank you for all of your thoughts and prayers over the last several months. Good news: they worked! We have a war in the Middle Ea$t! 58 dead and counting! Tragically, of course. Very, very sad.

AAAAAAAAnywaaaaaaayyyy, when added to the ongoing conflict in $yria, this latest Pale$tinian-I$raeli clash should bring several new revenue streams into our purview. As they say: next year in Jeru$alem! If it still exists…

Business!

Donald Trump Jr., in the process of divorcing wife Vanessa, is reportedly dating Fox News host Kimberly Guilfoyle. Trump Jr. said he wanted to follow in the footsteps of his father, who is blowing the network.

The “deodorant challenge,” a trend where teenagers spray aerosol deodorant onto each other’s bare skin to see who can endure it the longest, is causing second-degree burns. Officials have advised against it in every country except France, where they say participants should “use deodorant at all costs.”

Ramadan Mubarak, آنا from Accounting! Gotta fit into that burkini!

According to a new study by health insurer Cigna, most Americans are considered lonely. Cigna has since assured respondents it has many different health plans to combat said loneliness, starting at $2,000 a month.

Russian President Vladimir Putin scored 5 goals in an exhibition hockey game last week in Sochi. A reporter later asked Putin if the other team let him score, and was summarily hanged.

Jerry, it’s Yanny.

Red Sox pitcher David Price has denied allegations that he developed carpal tunnel syndrome from playing the video game Fortnite. “I don’t play that game too much,” Price told reporters Monday. “But boy, do I masturbate.”

A new study suggests the drug Ecstasy may be an effective treatment for PTSD. The controversial study is titled “Common Sense.”

In celebration of the Supreme Court’s virtual legalization of sports gambling, we’ve opened our very own sportsbook in Conference Room D! Free wings if you wager on the Browns!

The spread of an ancient skin-eating fungus that has been killing off large numbers of amphibians around the globe has been traced back to the Korean War. “I would like to express my sincere remorse,” Korean War veteran Daryl Johnston said in response to the discovery, “I should never have fucked that frog.”

After discovering a bug earlier this month, Twitter recommended all of its users change their passwords. Shortly thereafter, Sean Spicer tweeted, “TRuMpisInn0cent!$&1:)”

Anytime you can move the location of an embassy with only 58 dead, you simply must.

It’s $imple math.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 1/10/18

Welcome to 2018, empty vessels!  Let’s start this new year off right… WITH SOME BUSINESS.

The University of Alabama beat the University of Georgia to win the Division I college football “National Championship” on Monday night.  Tickets to the game rose in value to almost $2,000 before kickoff, or roughly 1/3rd of Alabama’s GDP.

Royal sister-in-law Pippa Middleton was lambasted on social media recently for suggesting that poor children who cannot afford breakfast eat avocado tortillas.  “I apologize for my mistake,” billionaire Middleton said in a statement.  “I just assumed all poor children lived in Mexico.”

Congratulations, Anna from Operations, on your championship-winning fantasy football team, Roy Moore Elementary!  If Jerry had used that name it would have been wholly inappropriate, but I know your intentions are pure.

Despite not being accused of any sort of sexual harassment, documentarian Morgan Spurlock wrote an open letter to fans saying that he’s “part of the problem” of our gender-unequal society.  Critics say the unexpected gesture was solely designed to generate hype for his upcoming sequel, Super Size #MeToo.

Apple is reportedly considering ending music downloads on its once-popular iTunes store.  As a result, U2’s Songs of Innocence will remain the most downloaded album of all time.

Jerry, no more deportations.

New York’s Metropolitan Museum of Art is doing away with its “suggested donation” policy for out-of-towners, and will begin charging a $25 admission fee.  “As part of the decision, the museum will repatriate all of its foreign works to their countries of origin,” Director Thomas P. Campbell said of the controversial decision.  “Just kidding.”

Sources say special counsel Robert Mueller has indicated he would like to interview Donald Trump as part of the ongoing investigation into Russian interference in the 2016 presidential election, prompting concerns from Trump that Mueller might actually be a real person.

With snow in the east and mudslides out west, don’t you just want to “dance yourself clean”?  Well now you can!  Join us at 6:30 AM Friday in the third floor cafeteria as we present a special set by James from Accounting’s cover band, Liquid Crystal Boombox!

The bodies of a Swiss couple who went missing 75 years ago have been found perfectly preserved in a receding glacier.  The discovery is seen as a major victory for proponents of global warming.

Last summer, German police seized 5,000 pills shaped like Donald Trump.  The pills are said to be a relative of ecstasy known as “agony.”

I wouldn’t call myself a “very stable genius”… more like a “voluptuous sexual monstrosity.”

-The Chairman

PS- Ever wondered what I think about amaranthPoughkeepsieKojevian rhetoric as it relates to a Christian reading of Hegelian dialectic?  Write to chairofthebored@gmail.com.  THE COLUMNS ARE BACK, BABY.  And I would like nothing more than to educate my loyal (and consenting) workforce in how you can better serve… me.

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Internal Memo for Tuesday, 6/3/14

Good Evening,

Holy CRAP.  The first back-to-back memos in HISTORY.  When I founded this company 150-someodd years ago, I never thought I’d see the day when… excuse me, I’m just… no, no, it’s nothing… it’s just… something in my eye… ohhhh… I’d better get on with the business…
 
A German museum is displaying a live replica of Vincent Van Gogh’s ear.  The ear is part of a uniquely German exhibition called “This Could Be Kinky.”
 
The US federal government recently seized over $138,000 in cash at a Minnesota airport because the money smelled like marijuana.  In related news, Colorado has preemptively filed for bankruptcy.

112 and still kicking- literally!  Happy Birthday to Anna from maintenance, who celebrated by scoring the winning goal in our corporate soccer league championship!  See you at the World Cup!
 
Nic Pizzolatto, creator of the hit HBO series True Detective, has announced that the show’s second season will feature three new leads and a California setting.  It is tentatively titled Two Guys, a Girl, and a Taco Place.

Under Obamacare, prostitutes at Nevada’s legal brothels are now entitled to group health insurance.  However, it costs extra.

Jerry, I’m pretty sure those are not the words to “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.”

Ann B. Davis, most famous for playing housekeeper Alice on The Brady Bunch, has died.  And still, all anyone wants to talk about is Marcia.

Scientists have discovered a so-called “mega-Earth,” a planet with 17 times the mass of ours.  “Yes, it is bloated, distant, and inhospitable,” said astronomer Jans Bjornson, “but enough about Kanye West.”

Wheel of Fortune host Pat Sajak caused a stir on Twitter recently when he called global warming alarmists “unpatriotic racists.”  In a subsequent poll of Wheel of Fortune fans, 11% agreed with Sajak, 4% disagreed, and 85% said, “What’s Twitter?”

As part of our recent naming rights deal, the sixth floor conference room will henceforth be known as the Nabisco Ritz Fresh Stacks Everything Crackers conference room.  Please plan accordingly.

Oscar winner Lupita Nyong’o has been cast in the upcoming Star Wars: Episode VII.  “After those last three films,” said Star Wars creator George Lucas after the announcement, “I decided to try real actors.”

The “Godfather of Ecstasy,” Dr. Alexander Shulgin, has died.  His widow, Ann, has released a statement reading, “In lieu of flowers, please consider making a donation to raving your goddamn face off.”

This is the most regular I’ve been in years!

-The Chairman

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