Internal Memo for Wednesday, 4/5/17

Good Morning,

Well, fuck it, I tried.  I did absolutely everything I could to make this company profitable and give back to the shareholders and fuck over everyone who doesn’t work for us and enrich myself greatly by quasi-legal means.  And what did I get in return?  The Syrian government is killing children with chemical weapons and North Korea is firing ballistic missiles at Japan.  Meanwhile, the United States has a real estate shyster and the head of a fossil fuel company doing diplomacy.  Oh, and did I mention that at least one of those two DIDN’T WANT THE FUCKING JOB IN THE FIRST PLACE?  Now it’s only a matter of time before every single one of us is incinerated in the greatest extinction event since the dinosaurs.  WHICH EXISTED, MIKE PENCE.  JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.

It is with a heavy heart that I present to you what may very well be the last business of our lives.

A new study indicates that playing a single game of Tetris can reduce the effects of PTSD.  And increase the effects of TSD.

New York design firm Clouds Architecture Office has drafted plans for a skyscraper that would orbit the Earth while hanging from an asteroid.  The structure is being marketed as the perfect place for those who “don’t want to close their eyes, don’t want to fall asleep.”

Congratulations, Anna from HR.  I’m glad you finally graduated from community college in time to die.

A missing Indonesian man was recently found dead in the belly of a giant python.  To clarify, the man was Chinese, but the python’s name was Donesia.

The number of heroin users in the United States has increased fivefold.  And that’s just since November.

Jerry, do whatever the fuck you want.

A new company is matching up people with opposite political views over free Starbucks coffee, in the hopes that they can at least agree it tastes burnt.

Following its successful launch of a recycled rocket booster, Elon Musk’s company SpaceX is currently hiring 473 positions.  The only necessary qualification is an ability to be talked down to.

Who wants scones?  Enjoy your last indulgence before our fiery apocalypse- Conference Room C.

New York Mayor Bill de Blasio has vowed to close famed prison complex Rikers Island.  In response, HBO is suspending original content development indefinitely.

The Coastal Carolina University cheerleading squad has been suspended pending an investigation into alleged prostitution.  Some of the school’s sports teams reportedly became suspicious when the cheerleaders’ only chant was “Give me a D!”

You know what I’ll miss most?  Apples.

Bet you didn’t see that one coming.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Sunday, 11/6/16

T-minus two days til #Electpocalypse©.  Time for another late night information du-uh, MEMO.  Yes… sweet business…

Ben & Jerry’s and New Belgium Brewing have teamed up to create a chocolate chip cookie dough ale, available now in select states.  Industry experts are calling the new brew “a pedophile’s dream.”

Archaeologists have unearthed a corpse in northwestern China that was buried under a shroud of cannabis.  Those same archaeologists were devastated to discover the skeleton was actually a prop from the upcoming Chinese remake of Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure.

Paging Anna from Legal.  Anna from Legal, you left your black velvet bra on the table in Conference Room B.  PS- Nice!

A Ukrainian prankster who tried to kiss Kim Kardashian’s butt in the days before she was robbed at Paris fashion week claims he was using the stunt to advocate for natural beauty.  “Yeah, yup, oh yeah,” presidential candidate Donald Trump said of the man’s defense.  “Me too.”

In further Kardashian knews, Kim and her husband Kanye Wests’ former bodyguard tells the New York Daily News that he thinks the aforementioned robbery may have been an elaborate publicity stunt.  “I’m not saying they’re lying, I’m just saying they know how to fool a very large number of people,” now-actor Steve Stanulis told the paper.  “I mean, her dad convinced everyone he was a dude for a pretty long time.”

Jerry, you are not polling better than Jill Stein.

Glee actress Dianna Agron has married Mumford and Sons’ singer Winston Marshall.  The bride and groom are said to have a lot in common, including pretending that its 2009 forever.

The Pentagon announced that a top al Qaeda leader has been killed in an airstrike in Afghanistan.  “Unfortunately,” Pentagon defense analyst Richard Morgan wrote in a statement, “that still leaves 33,000 of Hillary Clinton’s emails unaccounted for.”

Company fantasy football league update: Graham Gano remains available.

A new report from ocean conservation group Oceana shows that 20% of all seafood served worldwide is mislabeled, costing consumers about $15 billion annually.  “Huh,” said computer programmer Segun Akindele when told about the news, “I didn’t know bankers were getting into fish.”

Tesla CEO Elon Musk is still trying to figure out why his SpaceX Falcon 9 Spacecraft exploded before takeoff several weeks ago.  “As the smartest person in the world, I’m very frustrated,” Musk told reporters.  “Somebody fucked up- possibly everybody.  Everybody but me.”

Wow, so much election news!  And not a single story of businesses destroying the environment, pension funds or the housing market…

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Saturday, 11/5/16

Dear Potential Voters (sorry, janitorial and kitchen staffs),

In preparation for Tuesday’s chaos, I have decided to inundate you with four straight memos chock full of information regarding our country’s future and the policies that will affect your lives (over which you will have no control).  Now that we’re all in agreement that democracy is a farce and the only thing that should influence our votes is money, let’s get to something that will exist until the Earth is forever swallowed up by the sun: BUSINESS.

Federal authorities have alerted law enforcement in Texas, Florida, and New York about possible al Qaeda attacks in advance of election day.  “Please god,” said 53-year-old voter Helen Inman of Queens.  “Does that mean neither one wins?”

Arnold Schwarzenegger recently told advertising trade magazine Adweek that he would’ve run for president had he been born in the United States.  He later added that he wouldn’t have fathered an illegitimate child with his nanny had he been sober.

Congratulations, Anna from Accounting, on making that balance sheet your own!  Remember, numbers are constructs and the laws of our physical world are built on relativity.

A Chinese blogger going by the name Proud Qiaoba recently published a story about a friend who she claims received 20 iPhone 7s from 20 different boyfriends, then sold the phones in order to buy a house.  Donald Trump has since cited the story as further evidence of corruption within the Clinton Foundation.

Some particularly vocal Donald Trump supporters are calling for a repeal of the 19th amendment, which grants women the right to vote.  As a corollary, those same supporters are calling for a 28th amendment which grants men the right to grab pussy.

Thanks for testifying, Jerry.  Big help.

On a recent trip to China, Philippines President Rodrigo Duterte announced his country’s “separation” from the United States, calling US President Barack Obama a “son of a whore.”  Duterte has since been hired as a full-time correspondent for CNN.

Actress Susan Sarandon has said she will not vote for Hillary Clinton, stating she does “not vote with [her] vagina.”  “I will not be defined by my anatomy,” Sarandon continued, “I would much rather be defined by my willingness to push America to the brink of a fascist dictatorship followed by nuclear war.  BERNIE 2020.”

I admitted to the $5,000,000 loss several months ago, Your Honor.  Case dismissed?

Melania Trump, whose husband is running for president on an anti-illegal immigration platform, may have immigrated to (and worked in) the United States illegally.  “One of the lessons that I grew up with was to always stay true to yourself and never let what somebody else says distract you from your goals,” Melania said when confronted with the allegations, “Success is only meaningful and enjoyable if it feels like your own.

Islam Karimov, Uzbekistan’s first-ever president and one of Parade Magazine’s “World’s Worst Dictators,” has diedParade has announced that his replacement is uncertain and will be contingent on the outcome of the upcoming US presidential election.

If you think I’m releasing this late at night to avoid scrutiny related to the company’s recent financial missteps, you’re sorely mistaken.  And you’re fired!

That’ll teach you to read.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Friday, 9/23/16

Good Afternoon,

We’re hiring!

Currently seeking any active or dormant paramilitary groups (not necessarily American!) as a contingency for the upcoming election.  If you know of any, send ‘em along!

Please don’t mention the word “coup.”

BUSINESS.

A Zimbabwean man recently caught having sex with a donkey claimed it was a human prostitute who had changed forms.  “I just don’t know what happened,” the man insisted when questioned by police.  “Last thing I remember I told her I liked ass play.”

Game of Thrones actress Sophie Turner revealed that she and costar Maisie Williams have gotten matching tattoos related to the show.  As a result, Turner said neither woman has been allowed to engage in sex of any kind, as it might constitute a spoiler.

Anna from Accounts Receivable really hit the jackpot!  Maybe I should get a divorce….

A sinkhole in Florida has caused wastewater to leak into a large aquifer full of drinking water.  It represents an example of a rare geological phenomenon: a sinkhole within a shithole.

Apple’s recently released (and widely derided) iOS 10 mobile operating system contains a pornographic GIF of a character from My Little Pony.  In a statement, Apple has called it “a little gift for the early adopters.”

Jerry, Colin Kaepernick is not your “spirit animal.”

A lasting conspiracy theory that Taylor Swift is the clone of former Satanist leader Zeena Lavey has found new life online.  Swift’s ex-boyfriend Jake Gyllenhaal has called the rumor “ridiculous,” asserting that Swift herself “is Satan.”

The main attraction at North Korea’s recently reopened national zoo in Pyongyang is the “dog pavilion,” which features a number of different breeds of canine.  The area is popular in part because North Koreans are not used to seeing dogs not labeled “pork.”

Rub-a-dub-dub!  Don’t forget the company car wash is this Saturday (tomorrow) at noon in the south parking lot!  This year’s charity is the Syrian refugees that will be washing your car!

A new pipeline carrying 4,000 liters of beer an hour has opened in Bruges, Belgium.  Three people have since drowned.

In a recent interview with DuJour Magazine, Melania Trump said that her husband Donald is “not Hitler.”  “But,” she added, “he’s working harder every day.”

No memo last week… too many interviews!

We lost a lot of good men at that table…

-The Chairman

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