Internal Memo for Thursday, 3/4/20

Greetings Pledged Delegates.

Apologies for the delay- I don’t know about you, but I am HUNGOVER from Super Tuesday. Frankly, I haven’t had that much coconut rum since the South Carolina primary. In case you were wondering, here’s a recap of our spending for the occasion:

$2,000,000 to the Biden campaign in the form of a 12.5% APR loan to be repaid in full and with decreased tariffs on our imports from China within two years of election.

$5 to the Gabbard campaign to satisfy federal workplace diversity requirements.

$1,000,000 to the Sanders campaign in the form of an in-kind donation of man hours to proactively engage or respond to anyone who has ever said anything negative about Bernie, or anything at all about politics, on Twitter, Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram, Reddit, Marco Polo, TikTok, Macy’s.com, and in-person.

$10,0000,000 to the Warren campaign in the form of ad spending from the intentionally opaque Super PACs we set up last week to camoflauge her genuine respect for the American people and the rule of law and get that fucking anti-corporate changemaking bitch out of the race altogether.

$48,000/year for the past 12 years to the Bloomberg campaign for our two beautiful terminals.

Mission accomplished!

BUSINESS.

Scientists have discovered the first known organism that does not need oxygen to live. The parasite, dubbed “Ben Shapiro,” subsists only on the adoration of incels.

Rhode Island has reported its first confirmed case of coronavirus. It is also the nation’s smallest.

Anna from Marketing, have you been tested yet? Cause I have an in-home kit… 

Italy has announced it will close schools nationwide for the next 10 days in response to the country’s coronavirus outbreak. At the time of the announcement, schools in the south of the country had already been closed for five years due to “Why bother?”

James Lipton, longtime host of “Inside the Actors Studio,” has died. When asked on his deathbed what he would like Saint Peter to say to him when he reaches heaven, Lipton replied, “I’ll be asking the questions.”

Jerry, coronavirus is not spread by hijabs.

Businessman Michael Bloomberg has officially suspended his campaign for president. The former New York City Mayor spent over $500 million dollars on advertising during his brief run, $499 million of which went to American Samoa.

The past week also saw the departures of billionaire Tom Steyer, Mayor Pete Buttigieg, and Senator Amy Klobuchar from the presidential race. Buttigieg and Klobuchar have since endorsed former Vice President Joe Biden, while Steyer is considering buying a different public office.

I’ve been asked by a lot of people this week how the company will be handling the growing threat posed by coronavirus.

The NFL’s Los Angeles Chargers are reportedly considering a move to London, England amid financial troubles in their new home city. “It’s tough out here,” wide receiver Keenan Allen told Sports Illustrated Tuesday. “Nobody’s booked a gig in months and we’re really struggling.”

Pioneering hip-hop group Public Enemy has cut ties with hype man Flavor Flav after Flav took issue with the group’s endorsement of Bernie Sanders. Flav reportedly disagreed with the rest of the group over Bernie’s plan to place a moratorium on vertical integration of large agribusiness corporations, which Flav has called “YEAAAHHHH BOYEEEEEEEE.”

she’s out, right?

… right?

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/19/20

Thaaaaaaat’s riiiiiiiiight: I’m BACK, BABAY. Fresh off my extended quarantine on the Diamond Princess, I’m here to bring you all up to speed on the myriad happenings of the past couple of months. After a battery of tests, I can officially say that I am now virus-free, though there’s a high probability I infected several hundred persons with whom I came into contact while contagious. The global economy, am I right? Can’t beat it.

But seriously: I’d like to honor the brave men and women lost in our Wuhan office due to massive layoffs. This is another reminder that working from home is never a viable option, and threatens to erode company culture and office morale if practiced for even a day. Just say no (to remote work).

BUSINESS.

Division II Grand Valley State University has suspended the offensive coordinator of its football team after he told the campus newspaper he would like to have dinner with Hitler because, “the way he was able to lead was second-to-none.” Coach Berger has since issued a statement of apology reading, “I clearly meant to say second to our head football coach Mr. Matt Mitchell.”

Ben & Jerry’s has released three new flavors of non-dairy ice cream made with sunflower butter. The company says the flavors are designed for those with “severe taste allergies.”

Anna, I can’t wait to be in you tomorrow!

Since my last missive to you all, Marianne Williamson and Andrew Yang have dropped out of the presidential race. Many Democrats are left wondering which of the remaining candidates will advocate for important ideas like universal basic income and cupping.

Greece is threatening to demand the repatriation of the Elgin Marbles from England as part of Brexit negotiations. British Prime Minister Boris Johnson has said he is open to the idea, “as long as they take the Poles, too.” 

Jerry, you did not star in Parasite.

Among Donald Trump’s recent controversial pardons and commutations was that of Rudy Giuliani’s former bodyguard (and former NYPD commissioner) Bernard Kerik. “Bernie’s a great man,” Trump told reporters Tuesday, “and I couldn’t pardon Rudy yet.”

Right-wing calls for a second Civil War revolving around the term “boogaloo” are gaining traction on some online platforms. Many self-identified members of the “movement” say they’re happy to have online friends.

In honor of the Democratic debate tonight, there’s free candy in Conference Room C! It’s free, but it’ll slowly kill you- just like universal healthcare!

A French amateur soccer player has been banned from competition for five years after biting an opponent’s penis. The victim has said that he blames himself, and that he wishes he’d regarded his opponent’s postgame offer of fellatio with “more suspicion.”

Burger King is announcing the removal of artificial preservatives from its hamburgers with a new ad campaign showing a Whopper growing mold over the course of 34 days. In response, Wendy’s has released an ad based on their longtime slogan “fresh, never frozen” that depicts two cows fucking.

WU-HAN! Got you all in check.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Friday, 10/11/19

Sorry for the delay, plebeians- fighting a subpoena.

OK… a few subpoenas.

BUSINESS. 

Sources say Elizabeth Warren is discussing former Florida gubernatorial candidate Andrew Gillum as a potential 2020 running mate. Upon hearing of Warren’s strategy, Beto O’Rourke sent Warren an email marked “URGENT” reading, “But I lost, too!”

A pitcher in the San Diego Padres farm system has been arrested and charged with criminal trespassing after breaking into a stranger’s home through a doggie door. Major League Baseball has since come to Jacob James Nix’s defense, citing its current slogan, “Let the kids play.”

Anna from Litigation, are you ready for your blind date tonight? I’ll be the one with the red rose and no pants.

A new study shows that, for the first time in US history, the nation’s 400 richest families paid a lower effective tax rate than the bottom 50% of households. “I’m fine with it,” 52-year-old Thomas Manley, currently homeless, said of the findings, “because that’ll be me someday.”

Alexei Leonov, who as a Russian cosmonaut in 1965 became the first man to walk in space, has died at the age of 85. Authorities are still trying to determine the type of nerve agent used.

Jerry, nobody calls you “The Irish Backstop.”

Turkey has moved its military into northern Syria just days after Donald Trump withdrew American forces from the region. Despite bipartisan uproar, Trump is expected to pardon the country around Thanksgiving.

The largest power outage in California’s history has plunged millions around the state into darkness. Donald Trump has blamed the incident on California’s “billions of homeless, chewing through the wires with their pointy little teeth.”

If you’ve been feeling worn out lately, you might be a candidate for our first-of-its-kind sleep study! We’re partnering with The Mayo Clinic to give 57 lucky volunteers the opportunity to work for 31 days straight without sleeping to see how it affects productivity. Grab some coffee and sign up today!

According to a new study in the International Journal of Environmental Research, the effects of cooking meth in a home can be felt for years afterwards. The news has led to a massive spike in home values in Opa-locka, Florida.

The Washington Mystics were crowned WNBA champions Thursday night after defeating the Connecticut Sun in Game 5 of the Finals. The game drew the league’s highest-ever international rating, thanks in large part to a tweet by Mystics star Elena Delle Donne before the game that read “HONG KONG PROTESTORS ARE SCUM, CHINA WILL ROOT THEM OUT AND HANG THEM BY THEIR ENTRAILS #standwithChina #killthemall.”

You want me to show up in COURT?

At least take me out to dinner first.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/28/18

It’s the last day of February! As is customary on all non-leap years, the office will remain open this evening through March 2nd, and everyone is expected to stay both nights to make up for lost productivity. I don’t make the rules!

Oh wait, yes I do. BUSINESS.

While speaking about the recent school shooting in Parkland, Florida this past Monday, Donald Trump told reporters, “I really believe I’d run in there, even if I didn’t have a weapon.” “I’d be fine,” he added, “nobody would ever shoot a president.”

A Cornell food scientist is under fire for reportedly manipulating data in a number of prominent experiments. Experts became suspicious when such an esteemed scientist was working at Cornell.

Congratulations, Anna from Sales, on finally becoming Mama John! He was bound to settle down eventually.

860 pounds of cocaine have been found at the Russian Embassy in Buenos Aires, Argentina. The drugs are thought to be part of a coordinated under the influence campaign.

In further Russia news, a group of “transhumanists” in the country is charging $36,000 to freeze a person’s body in anticipation of a war- and disease-free future. Such bodies are thought to make up about 1% of Russia’s frozen assets.

Jerry, please stop referring to Chloe Kim as “a Korean sleeper agent.”

A photographer caught White House advisor Stephen Miller napping this week in the middle of a meeting about school safety. When asked afterwards what he dreamt about, Miller responded quietly, “My master.”

A Slovak investigative journalist working to uncover corruption amongst his country’s businesses has been murdered, along with his fiancée. “I’m surprised,” Vladimir Putin said when informed of the incident, “I had nothing to do with this one.”

Picture yourself in a boat on a river,

With tangerine trees,

And marmalade skies…

That’s right, it’s time for another “Managing Stress at Work” workshop with Susan from HR! This Thursday: LSD.

Following the recently concluded PyeongChang Olympics, North Korea is reportedly open to engaging in talks with the United States. “That Adam Rippon,” DPRK leader Kim Jong Un said in a statement, “he’d make me open to anything.”

Amnesty International has named Donald Trump a human rights violator. “Sick, bro,” 24-year-old Nick Verduzzi of South Orange, New Jersey said of the news. “Pussy is a human right.”

Before you know it, it’ll be February 29th… of 2020!

 

And Donald Trump will still be president.

-The Chairman

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