Internal Memo for Thursday, 3/4/20

Greetings Pledged Delegates.

Apologies for the delay- I don’t know about you, but I am HUNGOVER from Super Tuesday. Frankly, I haven’t had that much coconut rum since the South Carolina primary. In case you were wondering, here’s a recap of our spending for the occasion:

$2,000,000 to the Biden campaign in the form of a 12.5% APR loan to be repaid in full and with decreased tariffs on our imports from China within two years of election.

$5 to the Gabbard campaign to satisfy federal workplace diversity requirements.

$1,000,000 to the Sanders campaign in the form of an in-kind donation of man hours to proactively engage or respond to anyone who has ever said anything negative about Bernie, or anything at all about politics, on Twitter, Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram, Reddit, Marco Polo, TikTok, Macy’s.com, and in-person.

$10,0000,000 to the Warren campaign in the form of ad spending from the intentionally opaque Super PACs we set up last week to camoflauge her genuine respect for the American people and the rule of law and get that fucking anti-corporate changemaking bitch out of the race altogether.

$48,000/year for the past 12 years to the Bloomberg campaign for our two beautiful terminals.

Mission accomplished!

BUSINESS.

Scientists have discovered the first known organism that does not need oxygen to live. The parasite, dubbed “Ben Shapiro,” subsists only on the adoration of incels.

Rhode Island has reported its first confirmed case of coronavirus. It is also the nation’s smallest.

Anna from Marketing, have you been tested yet? Cause I have an in-home kit… 

Italy has announced it will close schools nationwide for the next 10 days in response to the country’s coronavirus outbreak. At the time of the announcement, schools in the south of the country had already been closed for five years due to “Why bother?”

James Lipton, longtime host of “Inside the Actors Studio,” has died. When asked on his deathbed what he would like Saint Peter to say to him when he reaches heaven, Lipton replied, “I’ll be asking the questions.”

Jerry, coronavirus is not spread by hijabs.

Businessman Michael Bloomberg has officially suspended his campaign for president. The former New York City Mayor spent over $500 million dollars on advertising during his brief run, $499 million of which went to American Samoa.

The past week also saw the departures of billionaire Tom Steyer, Mayor Pete Buttigieg, and Senator Amy Klobuchar from the presidential race. Buttigieg and Klobuchar have since endorsed former Vice President Joe Biden, while Steyer is considering buying a different public office.

I’ve been asked by a lot of people this week how the company will be handling the growing threat posed by coronavirus.

The NFL’s Los Angeles Chargers are reportedly considering a move to London, England amid financial troubles in their new home city. “It’s tough out here,” wide receiver Keenan Allen told Sports Illustrated Tuesday. “Nobody’s booked a gig in months and we’re really struggling.”

Pioneering hip-hop group Public Enemy has cut ties with hype man Flavor Flav after Flav took issue with the group’s endorsement of Bernie Sanders. Flav reportedly disagreed with the rest of the group over Bernie’s plan to place a moratorium on vertical integration of large agribusiness corporations, which Flav has called “YEAAAHHHH BOYEEEEEEEE.”

she’s out, right?

… right?

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Friday, 6/27/14

Good Morning,

It’s LGBTQ week at the office!  I’m Q!  Business!
 
A Dutch UNICEF ambassador has resigned her post after tweeting a photoshopped picture of Colombian soccer players snorting cocaine off the field.  “I picked the wrong joke, and I am truly sorry,” actress Nicolette Van Dam said in a statement.  “If there’s anything Colombia is known for, it’s shooting their players after they have a bad match.”
 
Singer Katy Perry has offered to write Hillary Clinton a theme song if the senator decides to run for president in 2016.  “You already did!”  Clinton tweeted in response to the offer, “I’ve kissed several girls and I liked them!”

Big week for Anna from swimwear!  Summer’s heating up!!

Katie Couric married financier John Molner over the weekend, sadly ensuring that my Couric-Lauer fan fiction will remain just that.
 
Archaeologists in Egypt have unearthed relics from an ancient plague that may have helped spread Christianity.  “These artifacts represent an important time in the history of our religion,” said Pope Francis, “and have given me a very good idea.”

Jerry, I saw the teeth marks.

According to a recent CDC study, excessive drinking causes 10% of deaths in working adults.  In non-working adults, the figure jumps to 100%.
 
A Native American group is planning to file a $9 billion lawsuit against the Cleveland Indians, claiming the organization’s “Chief Wahoo” logo is offensive.  “Based on this country’s history,” said Indians president Mark Shapiro, “we fully expect that the Native Americans will somehow wind up owing us money.”

The United States has advanced to the round of 16 at the World Cup!  In celebration, everyone gets to watch the next match on his or her DVR when he or she finishes work on Tuesday!

Actor Shia LaBeouf has been charged with disorderly conduct after disrupting a performance of Cabaret on Broadway.  “I always had a hunch, but this proved it,” said one chagrined theatergoer, “Shia LaBeouf is worse than the Nazis.”

The German government has canceled a contract with Verizon over concerns that the company may be sharing data with the US government.  “We just cannot afford to take any risks,” German Chancellor Angela Merkel said in a statement, “I’ve got a lot of kinky shit on my phone.”

A Maryland father recently hit a teacher with a baseball bat for sending his daughter “inappropriate texts.”  In a related story, teachers in Maryland have students’ cell phone numbers.

George from legal came out today.

-The Chairman

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