Internal Memo for Wednesday, 8/9/16

Good midweek, mine gentle servitudes.  Today’s memo begins with some BUSINESS!

No, not the usual kind of business… something else entirely.  An honest-to-goodness UPDATE on the future of the MEMO.

From now on, the memo will be delivered (and posted on https://tcotb.wordpress.com/)at precisely 10 AM EST (or EDT) every Wednesday morning.  How will I assure such German punctuality?  The old fashioned way… illegal immigrant manual child labor!

As always, please direct any comments or concerns to chairofthebored@gmail.com, where I will take a cursory look before utterly disregarding them.  Now… THE REAL BUSINESS.

The CEO of the Democratic National Committee has resigned following the party’s recent email leak.  As is customary for all American CEOs, she leaves with a $20 million tax-free severance and first refusal on the financial ruin of up to three other companies.

On August 31st, JetBlue will become the first US airline to fly commercial to Cuba.  To make Cubans feel more at home, the airline will be replacing its usual planes with 1955 Ford Fairlane convertibles.

We’ve been hacked!  Nice job, Anna from Childcare- you earned those Bitcoins.

A veteran supporter recently gifted Donald Trump a purple heart, to which the “presidential candidate” replied that he’d “always wanted” one, and that this way of receiving it was “much easier” than serving in combat.  The veteran then replied, “Fuck you,” and punched Trump in the face.  Just kidding, he’s a Trump supporter.

The “Impossible Burger,” a meatless hamburger made up of plant proteins, made its debut recently at New York City’s Refinery Hotel.  The burger has been hailed as “a possible solution to global warming” and “a great way to find out which of your friends suck.”

Jerry, that’s a different kind of skeet.

Verizon has purchased Yahoo! for $4.8 billion, much less than the $44.6 billion Microsoft reportedly offered for the company in 2008.  “We’re very happy with the deal,” CEO Marissa Mayer replied when asked about the difference between the two proposals.  “We here at Yahoo! are very comfortable with declining numbers.”

Uber has officially pulled out of China.  Remarkably, the country has still become pregnant with the company’s child: capitalist greed.

The results of our annual office morale study are in!  And they are confidential.

Italy’s parliament has begun debating a law that would legalize growing, cultivating, and selling marijuana.  The bill’s greatest proponents are Italian mothers, who are in favor of anything that will make their children “Mangia!  Mangia!”

Eminem’s former bodyguard claims rap mogul Suge Knight tried to have the Grammy-winning emcee killed in 2001.  Knight, whom many believe had a hand in killing Tupac Shakur in 1996, reportedly “didn’t want people to think [he] was racist.”

Hector, put down that lollipop.  Don’t make me deport you!

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 8/20/14

Guess who’s back?
 
Back again?
 
The Chairman’s back.
 
Tell a friend.
 
“Shouts out” to my homeboy Eminem for fashioning such a poignant and timeless reintroduction.  After enjoying a luxurious summer vacation aboard this (to scale) with these (not to scale), I’m back to bring you the latest goings on at the company and around the world.  Now, without further ado… your only reason for living: THE BUSINESS.
 
Five months after his high profile divorce, Coldplay frontman Chris Martin is reportedly dating actress Jennifer Lawrence.  “They have a lot in common,” said a source close to Martin, “for instance, they both hate Gwyneth Paltrow.”

A Michigan girl who was mauled by a raccoon is getting a new ear molded from cartilage in her rib cage.  The girl originally wanted a wife, but same-sex marriage is currently illegal in the state.

Congratulations to Aña from marketing on being named one of Forbes magazine’s “30 Under 30”!  That Cuban birth certificate is like gold!

Former President Bill Clinton was reportedly so angry when FIFA awarded Qatar the 2022 World Cup over the US that he broke a mirror in his hotel room.  Luckily, none of the five women in the room with him were hurt.

Earlier this summer, a Virginia man declared his daughter princess of an 800-square-mile expanse of African desert, calling it “The Kingdom of North Sudan.”  Last week, the six year-old was deposed in a bloodless coup and is currently awaiting trial for mass genocide.

Jerry, nobody nominated you.

A Japanese woman has released a YouTube video in which she tries to grow her breasts by massaging them with fresh summer vegetables.  YouTube has removed the woman’s other videos in which she attempts to grow her labia in the same manner.

Girls actress Allison Williams has been cast as Peter Pan in NBC’s upcoming telecast of Peter Pan Live!  As a result, the show’s title has been changed to Peter Pan: The Boy Who Wouldn’t Grow Up but Then Suddenly Did and Everybody Realized He Was Actually a Smokin’ Hot Lady Live!

Lorin Maazel, former music director of the New York Philharmonic, has died.  The New York Times called his death “coolly fastidious and emotionally distant,” adding that his “staccato breaths” towards the end were “a subtle yet winning touch.”

Go tell it on the mountain!  Shlomo Horowitz from accounting will be presenting his solo performance piece, The Unsung History of The Negro Spiritual, this Friday afternoon at 2:30 in the third floor conference room.  A change HAS come, oh lawd!

True Detective creator Nic Pizzolatto has been accused of plagiarism.  “He stole everything,” said Jimmy “Fat Stacks” Dalton, 36, of Hampton, Florida, during a press conference in his mother’s basement.  “I’ve been saying for years that life is shit, people are sheep, and Lone Star is the best goddamn beer in the world.”
 
Former President George W. Bush has had his second partial knee replacement.  Bush has said he feels “great” and “could invade Iraq again tomorrow.”

Watch out for those cops!

-The Chairman

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