Internal Memo for Friday, 3/18/16

Ohhhhhhhh IT’S MARCH MADNESS, BABY!

You may recall that in years past we’ve had some great prizes for the winner of our annual office pool.  Past champions have received a Westinghouse© television, Windows 7, and a signed copy of The Diary of Anne Frank.  This year, we’re kicking it “old school fleek,” as the kids say… first place gets a Cadillac, second place gets a set of steak knives, and third place gets fired!  Everybody else gets nothing, but stays employed.  You sure don’t want to finish in third… let the games begin!

A Florida teenager has been arrested for the second time for posing as a medical professional.  Eighteen year-old Malachi Love-Robinson had to be apprehended while on a trip to neighboring Georgia, as posing of any kind is both legal and encouraged in Florida.

Renowned actress and feminist Emma Watson has revealed that she pays to learn about female sexual pleasure through a website called OMGYES.com.  “Thanks, Emma,” said Mike Jackson, a carpenter from Sioux Falls, South Dakota, “now I know what to tell my wife when the next credit card bill comes.”

Anna from the kitchen is on fire!  No, literally, we had some issues with the stove earlier today and her clothing was set ablaze.  Someone please put her out!  She doesn’t appear to be injured… yet.

A Swedish doctor who treats patients’ ills with anal massage has had his license revoked by the country’s Medical Board of Responsibility.  When asked for his response to the decision, Dr. Jan Svensen replied, “They can shove it up their ass.  Or I can do it for them, at a great price, and it will almost certainly take care of their rheumatoid arthritis.”

In sports news, the NFL’s Cleveland Browns have officially released troubled former college star Johnny Manziel.  Manziel was last seen late Saturday with some friends on the Las Vegas strip, on the way to an overdose.

Jerry, that was the company Snapchat.

Members of terrorist group Hamas burned 15 tons of Snickers last week following a recall by the candy’s parent company Mars.  The recall was initiated because of plastic found in some bars, but Hamas burned their supply because it had “come dangerously close to some Jews.”

A wild mountain lion found its way into the Los Angeles Zoo last week and ate a koala.  Coincidentally, “a wild mountain lion finding its way into the zoo and eating a koala” is a popular Hollywood euphemism for rape.

Just a reminder that Kevin from HR is hosting a very important seminar on workplace diversity this weekend, smack dab in the middle of the NCAA Tournament.  Intentional?  You decide!

According to a new Rolling Stone profile, rapper Macklemore owns a nude painting of popstar Justin Bieber with a pancake on his penis.  “It’s, like, a metaphor for my music,” Macklemore said in the interview.  “You look at it and you’re like, ‘How did this get made?’”

Amazon is planning to open several hundred physical bookstores around the US.  When asked about the decision, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos told reporters, “We saw how well physical bookstores were doing and we were like, ‘We’ve got books!’”

Get those picks in, guys!  Nevermind… it already started.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Thursday, 2/12/15

Followers,

I would like to apologize.  Due to myriad terrorist threats against the company and a massive hack of my personal email, I have been unable to send out the memo for the last several weeks.  At one point, things got so bad between me, Scott Rudin, and the Chuckwalla iguana of which we share joint custody that I debated sending a memo ever again.  But, after much soul searching and ayahuasca, I decided that fear must not win.

With that, ladies and gentlemen (We still have ladies, right?  They didn’t all quit?  Everything was taken out of context, I swear), I present… THE MEMO.

The deepest fish ever discovered has been found in the Mariana’s Trench.  The deepest Phish ever discovered remains “Fluffhead,” found in 1995 at the Ervin J. Nutter Center at Wright State University.

As part of his recent divorce settlement, billionaire CEO Harold Hamm wrote his ex-wife a personal check for $975 million.  The check will reportedly feature prominently in the upcoming children’s movie “Blank Check 2,” starring Sinbad.

Dartmouth College has banned hard liquor on campus.  There will be no punishment for those caught violating the new rule, making it similar to the university’s “bans” on drugs and sexual assault.

**FUN FACT** Anna from IT once dated Chris Kyle, the man whose life inspired the blockbuster film American Sniper!  Among other things, the movie failed to mention his foot fetish.

It’s official!  Former US Olympian and current reality TV star Bruce Jenner is transitioning into a woman.  “We wholeheartedly support Bruce’s decision,” said E! executive Damla Dogan, “with the success of Orange is the New Black, we think it’s time Keeping Up With The Kardashians had a trans character.”

Woody Allen has signed a deal with Amazon to create his first TV show.  The show is slated to be canceled before it turns six… just in case.

The top Google searches of 2014 were, in order, “Robin Williams,” “World Cup,” and “Ebola.”  Despite her best efforts, “Anne Hathaway” remained 2,345,696th.

Jerry, we will not be holding our offsite in Ukraine.

A New Mexico man lost out on $500,000 after officials determined his winning lottery ticket was the result of a “printer malfunction.”  No word yet on whether the lottery’s decision has caused the man to “break bad.”

The New York Times is reporting that two-time Oscar winner Dianne Wiest is struggling to pay her rent.  “I’ve always rented,” said a defiant Wiest in theTimes interview, “why the hell would I have invested all that movie star money in real estate?  Especially New York real estate?  Talk about a scam.”

The father of former reality TV star Heidi Montag has been arrested for sexual assault, cementing his status as poster boy for the new American Dream.

New Year, New You!  Be sure to attend our “Make Your Resolutions… and Keep Them Biiiiiiitchhhheessss!” workshops, hosted by renowned Olympic figure skater and reality television personality Johnny Weir!  January 14th and 15th at 7 PM in conference room B.

… I guess those already happened.  Whoops, sorry!  Old me.

Three theoretical physicists have published their evidence for the existence of a parallel universe that is moving backwards in time.  They’ve dubbed the alternate realm “The Clooneyverse.”

Actress Emma Watson will star in Disney’s upcoming live-action version of Beauty and the Beast. Watson, building on her outspoken support for female equality around the globe, will be playing Gaston.

In a new book, longtime Obama advisor David Axelrod asserts that the president masked his true feelings on gay marriage in order to appeal to voters.  “You didn’t hear it from me,” Axelrod writes in “Believer: My Forty Years in Politics,” “but you might say the president keeps his views on homosexuality… on the down low.”

Je reste Charlie.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Monday, 6/2/14

Good Afternoon,

Thaaaaaat’s right!  There was no memo last week in preparation for a WEEK STRAIGHT OF MEMOS!  This new pilot program is aimed at getting you more news about the company and the world more often.  Will it work?  Who knows?  But when have I ever been wrong?  Business!

Harry Potter star Emma Watson graduated from Brown University last week, accompanied by an undercover bodyguard in full cap and gown.  At the end of the ceremony, the bodyguard received a degree in celebrity management with a minor in postmodern feminist literature.
 
Veterans Affairs secretary Eric Shinseki has stepped down amidst a rash of scandals at VA hospitals around the country.  Or was it a scandal of rashes?  Find out at 11!

Here’s to you, Anna from PR!  Five years sober!  Everybody raise your glass!

A water main broke in Manhattan last week, creating a massive sinkhole and flooding the legendary Katz’s Deli.  “Not to worry,” said Katz’s owner Jake Dell, “We Jews know how to handle a flood.”

Authorities in India are debating whether one of the country’s wealthiest spiritual leaders is dead or in a deep meditative state.  In related news, Lululemon has begun offering classes in “Death Yoga.”

Jerry, “gay” is not an ethnicity.

At time of writing, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are officially married.

Billionaire Petro Poroshenko has declared victory in Ukraine’s presidential race.  When informed of the election, Russian President Vladimir Putin replied, “That’s cute.”

Are you a psychopath?  Take this test!
 
Surgeons in Slovakia have removed a 13-pound tumor from a man’s face.  The tumor represents the largest sustained growth in Slovakia’s history.

Singer Chris Brown has been released from jail.  No woman is safe.

Wow- that’s a lot of news for one day!  WHAT could POSSIBLY happen TOMORROW?

-The Chairman

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