Internal Memo for Thursday, 3/7/19

Dear Caravan Migrants,

My apologies for the delay in releasing this week’s memo- we have been in the midst of a MAJOR CRISIS. In light of Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen’s disturbing testimony yesterday, I am instituting a hiring freeze on potential employees from all Central American countries. I am also ordering the erection of an intentionally disorganized tent city near Gate C at Parking Lot 5 to house all those who came for interviews but will no longer be admitted. For decades, these countries have been sending the company their worst, and we are just now realizing it. I have been asleep at the wheel, but rest assured that from now on, I will be very “woke.”

BUSINESS.

California’s Santa Anita Racetrack has suspended racing indefinitely after 21 horses had to be put down over the past 2 months. Experts predict the 2020 Democratic primary will soon be canceled for similar reasons.

According to the Federal Reserve Bank of New York, 7 million Americans are at least 90 days overdue on their car payments, a worrying sign for the economy. The news comes at the start of year three of the controversial Trump administration policy “Too Small Not To Fail.”

Anna from Accounting, 900 beads??

Jeopardy! host Alex Trebek has been diagnosed with Stage 4 pancreatic cancer. When asked how hard the condition will be to treat, Trebek replied, “It’s not too bad- maybe a $600 in Potent Potables.”

An unvaccinated French child has reportedly reintroduced the measles virus to Costa Rica while on vacation there with his family. French President Emmanuel Macron has said he worries the incident will ruin the French reputation for being “an extremely hygienic people.”

Jerry, your “brand value” is not $4 billion.

Last April, police fined a Connecticut man for using a cell phone while driving, but the driver maintains that the phone in question was actually a hash brown. When asked by a judge why he did not eat the hash brown at any point, the man replied, “Cause I was busy on my phone.”

A novel antidepressant is poised to come on the market, the first such drug to debut in decades. Doctors are calling the drug “three years too late.”

In honor of this week’s NFL combine, stop by the second-floor cafeteria for your comprehensive physical evaluation! Remember, your short shuttle time determines your health insurance premium.

A new in-depth report by ESPN has revealed that disgraced former NBA referee Tim Donaghy not only bet on games he officiated, but may have fixed their outcomes. “We have officially launched an internal investigation,” New York Knicks owner James Dolan said of the report, “into whether Tim Donaghy refereed every single Knicks game of the past twenty years.”

At a recent advisory committee meeting, Donald Trump called Apple CEO Tim Cook “Tim Apple.” Trump later said he meant it as a term of endearment, like “Mike VP” or “Melania Stockholm Syndrome.”

Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a chain-link fence enclosed into a chamber on a concrete floor.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Thursday, 7/5/18

My company tiiiiis of thee
Sweet land of P-R-O-F-I-T
My boss is kiiiiiiing
Job where my fathers died
Job of my swallowed pride
Whene’er my boss decides
Money I will briiiiiiing

Happy Fifth of July, (A)Un(t)cle Sam(ette)s! Just your friendly neighborhood freedom lover over here recovering from his right to beer arms! That’s right: Beer arms! Get it?? I had ‘em!

Now, I understand that some of you are distraught from the complete and utter lack of a memo last week. AND from not receiving your usual delivery this week. Well to that I say: Let’s make it a double! From the land that brought you PB & J, Sonny & Cher, and Diamond & Silk, not to mention two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun, I give you: A DOUBLE MEMO.

It’s gonna be bloated, like the bureaucracy!

JUST as our forefathers intended…

BUSINESS.

Justice Anthony Kennedy has announced he will retire from the Supreme Court. During his tenure, Kennedy took part in several influential decisions that no American can name.

A new billboard in Texas tells liberals to keep driving until they’ve left the state. Several left-leaning groups have come out against the sign, saying, “We don’t need a billboard.”

Starbucks has announced that it will close 150 stores next year. Analysts say the chain is losing ground to competitors such as Dunkin Donuts, Argo Tea, and public restrooms.

Saturday Night Live actor Pete Davidson and pop star Ariana Grande, both 24, are engaged. The pair are said to have led “remarkably similar” lives, in that both have been short.

Anna from Nutrition, thanks for setting out those guidelines for yesterday’s barbeque! Nobody followed them!

Following a judging error at this year’s Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest, Major League Eating is considering moving from human to digital judges. “We just think digital judges are more reliable,” Major League Eating President Rich Shea told ESPN, “and less likely to get eaten.”

Manila, Philippines tops the latest edition of Deutsche Bank’s annual list of cheapest destinations to buy a beer, with an average of price $1.50. As a bonus, the price includes dysentery.

EPA Chief Scott Pruitt has resigned. Sources say he saw a $10 bill outside his office and just bolted.

In further Pruitt news, the former Oklahoma Attorney General wrote in his resignation letter that Trump was serving because of “God’s providence.” Trump, whose staff reads all written material to him, excitedly replied, “He’s right- I have a prominent rod.”

Jerry, please stop saying the Revolutionary War was about states’ rights.

Several Los Angeles residents have been victimized by a scam involving three Russians and a Prius. I had always heard it as four Russians and a Prius, but same difference.

LeBron James is leaving the Cleveland Cavaliers for a second time and joining the Los Angeles Lakers. Those close to James say he wanted to finally put to rest the idea that he only cared about winning.

Explorers in Mexico have discovered that the country’s Sistema Huautla cave, one of the largest in the world, is even bigger than previously thought. Donald Trump has since vowed to send troops into the cave in the hopes of finding Hillary’s emails.

The woman who shouted “Fuck you” at Donald Trump last month has been identified as Congressional intern Caitlin Marriott. Marriott was later identified as three exceptionally gifted but starving migrant children in a trench coat.

Today is National Bikini Day! Let’s nuke those Q3 goals!!

The contestant pool on this season of The Bachelorette includes a sex offender and a conspiracy theorist. Considering the rest of the contestants, both are thought to be heavy favorites.

Delta Airlines has banned pit bulls as service dogs. The act is the result of a misunderstanding about why many Delta customers fear for their safety.

New York City saw a record 62.8 million tourists in 2017. Remarkably, not all were beloved.

A retired English teacher recently returned a letter from Donald Trump with edits. Before giving it to their boss, aides adapted the letter into a 15-minute video praising Trump for his handling of tariffs.

The memo is never late. Like freedom, it always comes right on time.

-The Chairman

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