Internal Memo for Wednesday, 6/5/19

Happy Pride Month, Gays! Remember, be complex individuals worthy of the representation you’ve been given in the media or they will TAKE IT AWAY.

Business!

On his state visit to the UK this week, Donald Trump said a Brexit deal was “teed up.” Many were left wondering what Trump has been doing for almost 200 days of his presidency, as he clearly doesn’t understand golf.

Meghan Markle’s ex-husband has remarried, this time to the daughter of a former Countrywide executive. “Her father may not be a prince,” Trevor Engelson said of his new bride, “but he did sell $200 million worth of stock options in a company right before it went bankrupt and helped trigger the biggest financial crisis in decades.”

Congratulations, Anna from Development, on becoming a certified Arbonne consultant! It’s definitely not a pyramid scheme!

Last week’s Scripps National Spelling Bee ended in an 8-way tie. The event’s organizers were reportedly “far too bored” to continue.

Ben & Jerry’s has announced its intention to sell CBD ice cream once it is legal to do so. The company will reportedly add the compound to its flavor Chunky Monkey, which already tastes like shit.

Jerry, you did not teach Drake your “technique.”

A right-wing candidate elected to represent North East England in the recent European Parliament elections actually lives in the South of France. “We wanted to elect someone who really represents our interests,” Sunderland resident Ned Dalrymple told UK newspaper The Guardian Tuesday, “to get the hell out of northeast England.”

Corporations paid $91 billion less in taxes in 2018 thanks to the Republican tax bill, and 60 Fortune 500 companies effectively paid no taxes whatsoever. Fearing backlash, many companies have since pledged to donate a tax-deductible .000001% of all future profits to train inner-city youth to respect the ideals of liberty through twice-yearly seminars led by Turning Point USA and The Richard M. Nixon Foundation For A Transparent Government.

Don’t forget: Mauritius is a place!

Elizabeth Warren has promised to push for a new law allowing the indictment of a sitting president if she is elected in 2020. “I have nothing to hide,” Warren said of the proposal, “I swear on my great-great-great-uncle, Sitting Bull.”

A robocall scam purporting to raise money for Donald Trump’s 2020 presidential campaign collected over $100,000 this past January. As Trump has overturned several key statutes related to fraud, the money cannot be returned.

More Dumbledores, please- y’all ain’t even KNOW that boy loved the D.

-The Chairman

Standard

Internal Memo for Wednesday, 5/29/19

Happy Memorial Day, ungrateful millennials! How did you celebrate? I marked the occasion by spitting on the graves of several prominent veterans, then exhuming the body of another and defecating in its mouth.

Business!

Burger King’s new Impossible Whopper, made with the meat-free Impossible Burger, will be available nationwide by the end of this year. It is expected to compete directly with McDonald’s chicken nuggets, which also contain no meat.

Since he has been in office, Donald Trump has spent $102 million of taxpayer money on extra travel, much of it to his corporation’s properties. The figure has riled even some conservative groups, who contend Hillary Clinton only would have spent about $100 million on covering up the multiple murders ordered by her and her husband.

Anna from Marketing, love the new hair color! I didn’t know it was safe to dye down there.

Teresa May was forced to step down as Britain’s prime minister last week after failing to negotiate a Brexit deal with the European Union. May said she was proud of her tumultuous tenure, believing it would bring about “peace in our time.”

Actor Kit Harington, who plays Jon Snow on Game of Thrones, reportedly checked himself into rehab to deal with the show’s conclusion. Following the final episode, he was joined by several thousand of the show’s devoted fans.

Jerry, that’s not the plot of Gorillas in the Mist.

A baby weighing just 8.6 ounces when she was born in a San Diego hospital several months ago has officially been released, making her the smallest surviving baby on record. The child’s parents remain worried about her future, as their insurance only covers babies born heavier than four pounds.

Star Wars: Galaxy’s Edge, Disneyland’s latest expansion, is set to open this Friday. According to leaked documents, the attraction will feature everyone’s favorite characters from the Star Wars universe, including Styron Dispassionate, Arkham Stan, and the notorious Corellian bounty hunter Wiernot Eventrying.

REMINDER: In the event of an evacuation, do not use the stairs. They haven’t been renovated in years and are NOT up to code.

In an extraordinary move, Robert Mueller held a press conference today to highlight some of the findings from his team’s investigation into Russian interference in the 2016 presidential election. “The Bears are who we thought they were,” Mueller said in the course of his profane and wide-ranging remarks, “and we let ’em off the hook.”

For the first time in the country’s history, Israel’s parliament has voted to dissolve and hold new elections after Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu was unable to form a coalition government. “We will survive this,” Israeli MP Amir Peretz told reporters Monday, “And then talk about how we did for the next 2,000 years.”

Repeat after me:

YOU DON’T

WIN WARS

WITH AVOCADO TOAST.

-The Chairman

Standard

Internal Memo for Friday, 5/25/18

Hello (Anonymous),

You may be wondering why the memo didn’t come out as scheduled this week. As you may have heard, the European Union’s General Data Protection Regulation went into effect today (Friday, 5/25) and I wanted to see how it would affect the company.

Short answer: It doesn’t! We’re still free to spam, spam, spam! Serves me right for thinking the EU was an effectual entity whose laws would be respected on the world stage- won’t make that mistake again. In the meantime, SPA- I mean, BUSINESS.

Eight women have come forward to accuse actor Morgan Freeman of inappropriate sexual behavior. The most damning allegations come from a woman known only as “Miss Daisy,” who said Freeman repeatedly threatened to “drive” her.

The FBI is working to thwart a Russian cyberattack in Ukraine on the eve of Saturday’s Champions League soccer final in Kiev. “We have taken all possible steps to protect the Champions League final,” FBI head Christopher Wray told reporters Thursday. “We can think of no other event in history so deserving of the utmost protection from cyberattacks, or that would affect so many innocent people if it were to be compromised.”

Anna from Maintenance, you better remove me from that email list! I’ve already cum enough!

During a congressional hearing last week, Republican lawmaker Mo Brooks asserted that global sea level rise is attributable to rocks falling into the ocean. Scientists say they will test the theory with Brooks’ brain.

A Miami high school is under investigation for bringing a live tiger to its prom. The animal initially seemed docile, but was later caught having sex in the bathroom.

Jerry, we know you took the Facebook quiz.

A 38-year-old man responsible for a 2010 cyberattack that shut down World of Warcraft’s servers has been sentenced to one year in prison. “Thank god,” the man’s mother told reporters, “he’s finally moving out.”

The Department of Housing and Urban Development reportedly helped Fox News host Sean Hannity finance millions of dollars of real estate purchases over the past ten years. Hannity has since called himself a “parasite” who “needs to get a job and stop relying on government handouts.”

In the spirit of privacy, and of North Korea definitively demolishing their only nuclear test site, we will be holding a special ceremony Sunday in Conference Room C to destroy our only server that has anyone’s private data on it! It’s definitely the ONLY server of its kind with ANYONE’S data. The ONLY one. EVER. And we’re gonna BLOW IT UP. Sunday. 3 PM. BYOB.

A monkey escaped from an American Airlines plane at the San Antonio airport this week. Like the passengers on its flight, the animal will never fly American again.

According to a new report, England’s Queen Elizabeth II enjoys four alcoholic drinks every day. Under US guidelines she would be considered a binge drinker, whereas in England she’s known as “inexplicably important.”

Your privacy is important to us. That’s why we only sell your data to companies that respect our need for money.

-The Chairman

Standard

Internal Memo for Wednesday, 3/15/17

Slight weather-related delay on the memo today… you would think a “server farm” belongs outside, but you would be wrong.  BUSINESS.

The European Parliament has voted to end visa-free travel for Americans within the EU.  The move has been met with confusion by US lawmakers, many of whom thought Europe was one country.

A new study indicates that large swimming pools may contain up to 20 gallons of urine at any given time.  21 at a Sheraton.

Anna from Legal, you are KILLIN IT.  “It,” of course, is the chimpanzee on whom we’ve been testing our latest skincare product.  Report to my office immediately.

A Swedish city council member has suggested the country’s workers be entitled to paid sex breaks.  “Yes, this makes sense for them,” said Finnish Prime Minister Juha Sipilä of the idea.  “They have always been a country of whores.”

An Irish soccer player has been forced to pay an Elvis impersonator 230,000 Euros after an incident at a Dublin nightclub in 2013.  The €230,000 is €229,000 more than the impersonator has made in his life to this point.

Jerry, you cannot write off “corporeal depreciation” on your taxes.

In honor of International Women’s Day last week, German airline Lufthansa employed all-female flight crews on several of its routes.  It was a pleasant surprise for passengers, who were able to save on tickets thanks to the pay gap.

A Pennsylvania state senator went after Donald Trump on Twitter last month, calling him a “loofa-faced shit-gibbon.”  The man, Daylin Leach, is now the Democratic frontrunner for president in 2020.

Judging by the smell, jihad is being waged in our third floor fridge.  Please clean it out immediately or I will be forced to send in ground troops.

A five-year-old girl from Oklahoma has become the youngest person ever to qualify for the Scripps National Spelling Bee.  As a result, she will be eligible to enroll at the University of Oklahoma this fall.

Last week, a trillion-dollar asset manager placed a statue of a defiant little girl in front of Wall Street’s famous bull statue.  Fans of the statue have called it empowering, while critics have said that it is yet another example of the elites flaunting Pizzagate.

If anybody asks, I thought a/s/l meant “all (the) single ladies.”

-The Chairman

Standard