Happy Memorial Day, ungrateful millennials! How did you celebrate? I marked the occasion by spitting on the graves of several prominent veterans, then exhuming the body of another and defecating in its mouth.
Burger King’s new Impossible Whopper, made with the meat-free Impossible Burger, will be available nationwide by the end of this year. It is expected to compete directly with McDonald’s chicken nuggets, which also contain no meat.
Since he has been in office, Donald Trump has spent $102 million of taxpayer money on extra travel, much of it to his corporation’s properties. The figure has riled even some conservative groups, who contend Hillary Clinton only would have spent about $100 million on covering up the multiple murders ordered by her and her husband.
Anna from Marketing, love the new hair color! I didn’t know it was safe to dye down there.
Teresa May was forced to step down as Britain’s prime minister last week after failing to negotiate a Brexit deal with the European Union. May said she was proud of her tumultuous tenure, believing it would bring about “peace in our time.”
Actor Kit Harington, who plays Jon Snow on Game of Thrones, reportedly checked himself into rehab to deal with the show’s conclusion. Following the final episode, he was joined by several thousand of the show’s devoted fans.
Jerry, that’s not the plot of Gorillas in the Mist.
A baby weighing just 8.6 ounces when she was born in a San Diego hospital several months ago has officially been released, making her the smallest surviving baby on record. The child’s parents remain worried about her future, as their insurance only covers babies born heavier than four pounds.
Star Wars: Galaxy’s Edge, Disneyland’s latest expansion, is set to open this Friday. According to leaked documents, the attraction will feature everyone’s favorite characters from the Star Wars universe, including Styron Dispassionate, Arkham Stan, and the notorious Corellian bounty hunter Wiernot Eventrying.
REMINDER: In the event of an evacuation, do not use the stairs. They haven’t been renovated in years and are NOT up to code.
In an extraordinary move, Robert Mueller held a press conference today to highlight some of the findings from his team’s investigation into Russian interference in the 2016 presidential election. “The Bears are who we thought they were,” Mueller said in the course of his profane and wide-ranging remarks, “and we let ’em off the hook.”
For the first time in the country’s history, Israel’s parliament has voted to dissolve and hold new elections after Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu was unable to form a coalition government. “We will survive this,” Israeli MP Amir Peretz told reporters Monday, “And then talk about how we did for the next 2,000 years.”
Repeat after me:
WITH AVOCADO TOAST.