Ooh, my little pretty one,
My pretty one
When you gonna give me some time, corona
Ooh, you make my motor run,
My motor run
Got it coming offa the line, corona
Never gonna stop
Give it up
Such a dirty mind
Always get it up
For the touch
Of the younger kind
My my my my my WOO
Am I the only one who can’t get that classic (and prescient) 70s anthem out of my head? It even mentions touch! I don’t know about you, but I’ve been missing our usual officewide hugs and gooses most of all. But don’t worry, several of my highly paid friends in the medical profession assure me that the weak will be culled soon enough and we can get back to what we do best…
Director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases Dr. Anthony Fauci told lawmakers Wednesday that the NBA should consider playing its games without fans due to coronavirus concerns. “We’re merely suggesting that the NBA’s fans take a cue from its players,” Fauci said, “and take a lot of games off.”
In a related story, the Ivy League has canceled its conference basketball tournament in the interest of public health. Many fans of the league have expressed excitement to have discovered a new way to feel superior to everybody else.
Anna from Maintenance, I’ll need you to start disinfecting my office hourly. Because of the virus and… yeah, because of the virus.
The Exorcist star Max von Sydow has died. Maybe.
A biotech firm in London is seeking 24 volunteers to be injected with coronavirus for over $4,500 each. The volunteers will then be placed together in a 14-day quarantine where they will be filmed for the new ITV series Love Island: Coronavirus.
Jerry, do not distribute any more of your “hand sanitizer.”
A female Komodo dragon in a Tennessee zoo has given birth to three hatchlings without a male partner. Twelve other Komodo dragons have since begun work on a 66-book collection centering on the virgin birth that they expect to last well over 2,000 years and inform the most personal and consequential decisions of countless other Komodo dragons around the world.
In further Tennessee news, a 94-year-old ex-Nazi concentration camp guard living in the state will be deported after the US government found evidence of his past on a sunken World War II ship. Since arriving in the United States the man, Friedrich Karl Berger, has reportedly been living quietly in the Memphis area posting pro-Donald Trump memes on Facebook.
Do you find yourself touching your face a lot at work? Well don’t, ya perv!
In response to the coronavirus outbreak in the country, China has banned sale and consumption of the endangered pangolin. Experts fear the ban may lead to China’s losing its identity as the world’s foremost originator of novel coronaviruses.
Nik Wallenda, who angered some by wearing a safety harness while traversing an active volcano by tightrope last week, has said that the extra safety precaution was added by broadcaster ABC. “We couldn’t have Nik fall flat on his face and then burst into flames,” ABC spokesperson Manfred Gonzalez wrote in a statement, “we have enough of that with our Thursday night lineup.”
Come a little closer, huh,
A-will ya, huh?
Close enough to look in my eyes, corona
Keeping it a mystery,
It gets to me
Running down the length of my thigh, corona
That is how it feels, apparently! Just like pneumonia running down your thigh!
The Knack, man.