Internal Memo for Wednesday, 3/7/18

Olé, fellow Del Toros! (Wo)Man… what an inspiring Oscars. If I learned one thing from the In Memoriam, it’s that straight white men are on the way out!

And taking their place: straight fish men!

What a world. Business!

Porn star Stormy Daniels, who allegedly had an affair with Donald Trump in 2006, is suing the erstwhile developer. Daniels is reportedly asking for 15 seconds of her life back.

A former Russian spy living in England is in critical condition after being exposed to an unknown substance. Though the incident echoes infamous poisonings of other spies by the Russian government, experts suspect British cooking.

Congratulations, Anna from PR, on winning the company Oscar pool! Enjoy your free month of Hulu!

The father of a survivor of the recent school shooting in Parkland, Florida reportedly doctored emails to make it seem like CNN scripted a question during a town hall held in the wake of the incident. “The most important takeaway from the horrible attack on our children perpetrated at Marjorie Stoneman Douglas high school last week,” Glenn Haab, father of student Colton Haab, said of the incident, “is that CNN is fake news.”

A man featured in a viral advertisement for a dating site geared towards Trump voters was revealed to have a felony child sex conviction. A subsequent investigation discovered 90% of the site’s users did as well.

Jerry, Get Out is not “the new Birth of a Nation.”

Special Counsel Robert Mueller is reportedly investigating $40,000,000 in suspicious transactions made by former Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort, including $25,000 spent at New York pharmacy Duane Reade. Manafort initially flagged the charge as fraudulent, but was later found to have purchased 15,000 bottles of Wite-Out.

Gun maker Storm Ruger has been forced to cut 700 jobs due to poor sales. The cuts have caused the retailer to rethink its employee discount.

It’s snowing on the East Coast! Why not curl up with a nice hot mug of baby mice wine! It’s twice as mice©!

An investor group led by women has canceled its plans to buy the former Weinstein Company. “Oh, I’m sorry, Harvey” lead investor Maria Contreras-Sweet said after the announcement, “did we pull out too soon?”

Last week, a church in Pennsylvania held a blessing ceremony for the AR-15 rifle, the same gun used in last month’s school shooting in Florida. The ceremony left four martyred.

And the Oscar goes to… the salmon I ate for lunch!

It’s about time for a sea change…

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/8/17

Great news, everyone- we’re hiring teachers!  I mean, they don’t have to be “teachers,” per se… just, like, friends are fine.  I never thought we’d get into the education sector, but there’s money to be made!  Now someone draft me up a “charter”…

Last week, Scotland’s Campbelltown airport was home to the first British flight in 50 years to depart without a security screening.  Shortly after takeoff, the plane was hijacked by universal dignity and an abiding sense of calm.

President Donald Trump has appointed former mayor of New York Rudy Giuliani his cyber security advisor.  The decision is the latest in a long line of controversial appointments by Trump, including Ivanka Trump as First Lady and R. Kelly as ambassador to Russia.

Congratulations, Anna from Analytics, on your Oscar nomination!  I still don’t know where to find those fantastic beasts, but I know you are definitely one of them.

North Korea’s official news agency has accused the United States and South Korea of plotting a preemptive attack on the country.  Donald Trump has since assured North Korea it is under no threat, as it is not the values of liberty and justice for all.

New website Pizza to the Polls allows people to send pizzas to protesters around the country.  The site has reportedly escalated tensions between conservatives who have sent thousands of pizzas through the site and liberal recipients who do not eat gluten, dairy, or nightshades.

Jerry, your Q2 evaluation is not “fake news.”

A Cheeto that looks like deceased gorilla and favorite meme Harambe has reportedly sold for almost $100,000.  The bidder is said to be a group of 10 million teenagers contributing one cent each with the explicit goal of undermining any remaining faith in Western civilization.

Reddit has banned two major forums associated with the alt-right.  The decision ensures that the groups’ members will never post anything anywhere on the Internet ever again.

This winter, stay warm by fucking your coworkers!

Salmon prices around the world are rising rapidly due to a growing population of parasitic sea lice.  The outbreak has caused many to question why the fish still haven’t instituted mandatory lice checks in schools.

Last week, customs officers in Texas uncovered almost two tons of marijuana, valued at approximately $800,000, hidden in a shipment of key limes.  “Gr8 news!”  Donald Trump tweeted in response to the discovery.  “Now we can pay for the wall!”

I always liked Michigan.  Land of the free, home of the lakes.  And schools!  Lots and lots of $chool$…

-The Chairman

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