Internal Memo for Thursday, 4/23/20

Happy Earth Day, parasites!

Speaking of parasites… I did NOT like that movie. Why did all the most hardworking, charitable characters die? And don’t get me started on what they did to that BEAUTIFUL house…

BUSINESS.

New York’s famed Upright Citizens Brigade improv theater and training center are permanently closing. The move is being hailed as “an important stimulus,” one that could save millennials up to $3 billion dollars over the next year.

Former New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski has come out of retirement and been traded to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, where he will reunite with longtime quarterback Tom Brady. Tampa Bay Head Coach Bruce Arians has said the team is not done scouting former Patriots tight ends and has instructed his scouts to “kick the tires” on Aaron Hernandez.

Ana from our Belize office, have you ever noticed that your name is in “mañana”? Makes sense, cause you always seem too far away…

US oil prices fell below $0 a barrel on Monday to their lowest point since trading began in 1983. Donald Trump has since announced that he will personally purchase all barrels of oil that are unable to be stored for a price of $100/barrel, at which point he will generously sell them to the federal government at $200/barrel.

A Connecticut man broke into a shuttered restaurant last week and spent four days consuming thousands of dollars worth of food and alcohol. The man will not face any charges, as he was socially distancing.

Jerry, you are not quarantining with Soledad O’Brien.

The Washington Post is reporting that FEMA recently gave a $55 million contract to Panthera Worldwide, LLC, a bankrupt company with no employees, to produce N95 masks for the agency. “We have the utmost confidence in Panthera’s capabilities,” FEMA spokesperson Lizzie Litzow said in response to the report, “we used them during Katrina.”

In related news, the Army Corps of Engineers has awarded a $569 million contract to a Montana construction firm to build 17.17 miles of border wall between California and Mexico. Lieutenant General Todd T. Semonite later said that the ACOE would have undertaken the project itself, but Donald Trump said he wanted the money spent on “anything but testing.”

The NFL Draft begins tonight! Join our office predictor pool before 7 PM for your chance to win a one-hour Zoom call with Tom from accounting! He does a GREAT John Madden impression.

Shake Shack has announced that it is returning the $10 million it received from the federal government’s PPP program for small businesses following widespread backlash. The company said that the $10 million was no longer necessary, as it has since sold 100 burgers.

The global coronavirus pandemic is being used by mafia groups in Italy as an opportunity to expand their influence. “The mafia has been wonderful; they’ve been coming by and testing us every day,” Naples resident Carlo Fratello told La Stampa. “For 10 euro, we’ll test negative.”

50 Earth Days… and the world* has gotten healthier with each one!

*our vast sub-Saharan mining operation.

-The Chairman

PS- 봉준호는 공산주의자

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Internal Memo for Thursday, 4/18/19

Happy Mueller Report Day, [redacted]! You had to wait for this special edition of the memo just like Congress had to wait to find out that [redacted] discovered the true identity of [redacted] while surveilling [redacted], which led to [redacted] [redacted] [redacted] and a generous [redacted] of [redacted] [redacted] and [redacted] steak frites.

Absolutely [redacted].

[REDACTED]!

A new study indicates that workers who fake positivity while serving customers are at greater risk for heavy drinking when they get off work. In response to calls to change its policies, TGI Friday’s has instead created a pilot program called “TGI AA.”

A new study has found high numbers of microplastic particles in the air in France’s Pyrenees Mountains, leading one researcher to label microplastic “a new atmospheric pollutant.” As a result, Netflix has stopped streaming The Graduate.

Anna from Compliance, nice cameo in Game of Thrones! I wish you’d let me ride you like you let Jon Snow 😉.

Kim Kardashian told Vogue that she wants to take the California bar exam by 2022. Kardashian said she plans to uphold the family tradition of being famous for anything other than practicing law.

Israeli President Benjamin Netanyahu has declared that, if re-elected, he will begin annexing the West Bank. The move has inspired Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi to vow that if he is re-elected, he will begin nuking Pakistan.

Jerry, apologize to the people of France.

UK grocery chain Waitrose has pulled an assortment of Easter ducks in which the dark chocolate piece was labeled “Ugly” after accusations of racism. The store has said it plans to re-release the collection with the duck instead labeled “Objectively Beautiful But Systemically Devalued Through Years Of Unchecked Imperialism, Colonial Aggression, And Unrealistically Eurocentric Beauty Standards (Trust Us, We Would Know, We’re British).”

Donald Trump tweeted this week that he will award the nation’s highest civilian honor, the Presidential Medal of Freedom, to Tiger Woods. “He’s become a role model for a lot of people, including me,” Trump said in a statement, “by sleeping with so, so many women.”

In anticipation of Easter, the HR team has been at it like rabbits! They’ve gone and hidden special festive eggs all around the office. What kind, you ask? Why, the only kind that’s been proven to defend against autoimmune diseases, of course: tapeworm! Happy hunting!

In a letter released last Thursday, retired Pope Benedict blamed the child sex abuse scandal plaguing the Catholic Church on the sexual revolution of the 1960s. “If those people hadn’t had kids,” Benedict wrote, “and then their kids hadn’t had kids, and then those kids hadn’t had kids, none of this would have ever happened.”

A new report says FEMA may have exposed the personal information of some 2.3 million disaster survivors. “There is obviously a silver lining here,” FEMA press secretary Lizzie Litzow said in a statement, “any leaked addresses are unusable.”

I can’t believe [redacted] peed on [redacted] while [redacted] watched! The Steele Dossier was [redacted]!

We’re all [redacted].

-The [redacted]

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/14/18

duuuun duuuuuun duh dun dun dun dun DUN DUNDUHDUN dun dun DUN dundundundunDUUUUUUUUUUNNNNN

Allow me, fellow Olympians of existential angst, to light the torch of this memo. I am honored that you have selected me, your most humble and athletically gifted Chairman, to open these word games that will light the world with the flame of knowledge. Thank you, thank you, thank you- from the bottom of my über-competitive heart.

Now, you know the drill: no medal, no job.

BUSINESS.

A firm contracted by FEMA to deliver 30 million meals to Puerto Rico in the aftermath of Hurricane Maria only delivered 50,000. The agency says the discrepancy is easily explained by the contractor’s need for, quote, “profit.”

Experts say the recently passed GOP tax bill may result in more divorces, thanks to its removal of a specific write-off for alimony payments. Lawmakers reportedly added the provision after heavy lobbying by Melania Trump.

Anna from the Austria office, you were right as always… they SHOULD’VE postponed the women’s slopestyle final! How did they expect you to land your Cab Double Cork 900 kicker with those winds?!?!

A pride of lions mauled and ate a suspected poacher last week in South Africa. The incident begs the question why lions don’t do that more often.

United Airlines is honoring a travel voucher from 1998 that a North Carolina man recently found under his bed. Coincidentally, the landmark decision represents the first time since 1998 that a major US airline has demonstrated any semblance of human decency.

Jerry, that figure skater is 15.

With his men’s halfpipe victory Tuesday night, snowboarder Shaun White became the first American male to win a gold medal at three different Winter Olympics. Like prior champion snowboarders, the 31-year-old White will now be put out to stud in Aspen with four bodacious hotties and 16 pounds of dank nug.

In a move aimed at boosting the country’s reputation on the international stage, North Korea sent over 200 cheerleaders to the Olympic Games across the border in PyeongChang. Many have marveled the beauties’ extremely effective skincare regimen, which the regime describes only as “peasants.”

Please note that, due to the current climate, we will not be celebrating Valentine’s Day this year. This means no cards, no chocolates, and definitely no dressing up like Cupid and pretending your hands are his arrows.

Citing insufficient evidence, the E! Network has dropped its investigation into American Idol host Ryan Seacrest after a former hairdresser alleged sexual misconduct. “There’s just not much to Ryan Seacrest,” the network said in a statement. “Period.”

Last week, cameras caught a woman abandoning her newborn baby in a bathroom at the Tucson airport. “This was a potentially terrible situation,” Sherriff Stephen Tucker told reporters in the wake of the incident. “Nobody wants to fly with a baby.”

FUN FACT: The Olympic rings are vaguely racist!

The more you know…

-The Chairman

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